I'll start with the absurd situation of my partner's new job -- or should I say, jobs. In my last post I mentioned she was starting her new job on February 9. What I didn't mention is that she had interviewed with Victoria University as well, and on February 10 they offered her the job. The job itself wasn't ideal but it was walking distance from home, twice the money and a step in the door, because ultimately she wants to be working with university students. In other words, it was a no-brainer that she struggled with for a week before tendering her resignation at the first job.
(To their credit, they were very supportive and agreed it was a no-brainer, although they still made her serve three-weeks' notice.)
So this week she started at the University and has been cycling to work. It is right next to the youngest child's school, so he comes over after school and they cycle home together. It couldn't be sweeter.
So that's the good news. The bad news is the kids' father, who I've tried to avoid mentioning, has just gone off the rails. I'm not sure he was ever particularly stable, but this was beyond the pale. He had insisted the girls attend a private school when they reached year 7, even though the closest private school was an hour away. As he was out of the country most of the time, and their mom had to look after the younger siblings, the eldest would get up at 6:30am to catch the train at 7:30 to catch the bus at 8:30 to be at school at 9. After school, she didn't get home until after 4pm. It was a horrific experience that really took its toll on her health, her energy and her attitude.
In addition, the school was the poor cousin of an esteemed private school in town. It didn't have the same quality of teachers, the same breadth of programmes, the same standards for students. It mainly traded on the reputation of its parent and wasn't terribly better than the local public school. So one of the main drivers for moving into town was that they could attend the parent school, but we needed their dad's permission as he was the one paying for it.
At first he tried to use this as weapon to try and extract some concessions from his ex, as the family house (that we were moving out of) was still in both of their names. However, we'd already anticipated that and had positioned ourselves within the catchment area of an excellent all-girls public school. It was by no means as good as the private school, but it was perfectly acceptable and we let him know that if he didn't want to pay for the private school we were happy to enrol her in the public school; we just needed him to make a decision. He waited until two days before the start of the school year, and when the private school finally called him he said they could attend.
Fast forward all of six weeks, and when the school sent him an invoice for the term he sent back an email stating he never agreed for the girls to attend, that their mother had moved them illegally (!) and that all future bills should be sent to her. About the same time--and before we heard about this--he sent an ominous text to the eldest girl saying:
I'm so sorry but your mom has pushed me to the limit and I am now forced to do things to hurt you and your siblings. Please understand it's all her fault.As you can imagine, if we had seen that at the time we would have never let the kids see their dad again! However, as we found out about that only after we learned about the school, we realised he just meant he was going to stop paying for everything. He also notified their guitar teacher that he was going to stop their lessons, and has refused invoices for the kids' sports activities. In other words, in his mind the kids are no longer his responsibility, and their mom should pay for all of this.
And what was the trigger that "pushed him to the limit"? According to him, it was either because we moved the kids 35 miles away (even though he spends most of his time in Nigeria) or because we "abandoned" the family home and he now had to pay the mortgage on an empty house (even though the bank told him he could have a 3-month 'mortgage holiday'). However, the real reason was that we filed for child support in November. He hadn't paid anything in over a year, claiming the school fees were enough. Of course the law doesn't see it that way, and we turned him over. It probably took two months before the State sent him a demand letter, but once he realised there was no way to avoid it, he decided the best course of action was to punish his kids by denying them all the opportunities he had promised them, and then blaming their mother. What a guy.
(I should note that New Zealand has a regressive system that "caps" the amount of child support regardless of how much the parent makes, and they have no provision for spousal support at all. As their dad is in the oil industry and--thanks to his ex--is able to work in Nigeria, he makes a ridiculous amount of money, and the maximum he would pay in child support is less than 10% of his salary. The school fees would be another 10%. He does not have to give anything to his ex, even though she gave up her career to raise the kids. Of course, we all know this has nothing to do with the amount he is paying, only about control.)
So we're in the process of getting the girls enrolled in public schools for term 2, which starts next month. The eldest will move to the girls' college (don't ask me why they call high schools/secondary schools "colleges" here!) but it will be even harder for the middle child because she has to go back to a primary school this year, then move to the girls' college next year. It breaks our heart because they've both made friends at the private school, gotten involved in lots of after-school activities and really enjoyed it. I have no doubt they will do the same at their new schools, but it will take time, especially as they're starting mid-year when kids have already established their friendship circles. We're also concerned the eldest won't get her choice of subjects, as popular ones like art and music may already be full. And she'll have to start taking a bus again, although the school is only 20 minutes away.
To add insult to injury, we have taken the high road and not said anything negative about their father to the kids. We just said, "I'm sorry but if he has decided not to pay the fees, we can't afford it." Unfortunately he has no such compunction, and he actually met with a school official -- along with the eldest child -- and the official told us later she had to stop the meeting because he would not stop saying negative things about his ex in front of the child.
In the end, we know the kids will look back on this and realise what an ass their father was. In the meantime, though, he gets to punish the kids and blame us, and we just have to smile and deal with the fallout. He honestly thinks he's winning, and just doesn't care about the effect it has on the kids. I know it's nothing unique and is playing out a million times all over the world, but that doesn't make it any less sad or frustrating. Thankfully, the kids at least have us to look after them; not all kids are so lucky.
