A test of epic boredom

A few weeks ago, I lost my wallet. I was able to replace all of the cards easily, and only lost a little cash. (One of the perks of being poor.) I couldn't replace my California driver's license, though, because they required me to appear in person -- in California.

When I moved here, I had no intention of driving anywhere, so I thought this was no big deal. However, Jessica has a few days off next week and wanted to go somewhere--anywhere--and I wanted to be able to share the driving . (Note: In the UK, you can drive for 12 months with a foreign driver's license, but since I no longer had my license, I couldn't drive, period.)

So I decided it was time to get a local driver's license. I did some research and discovered how it works in the UK:

1. I had to send away for a "provisional" license. This cost £50 (US $94) and I had to mail them a photo, my passport, and testimony from someone who lived in the UK and had known me for at least two years, asserting my identity! Fortunately, the hotel owner remembered me from 2003 and was willing to sign.
2. Once I have my license, I can drive on the streets, but not the motorways (highways to you yanks). I can then sign up to take the "theory test" (written) which costs another £40 or so.
3. Once I pass the theory test, I can then sign up for the "practical test" (driving) which costs another £40 or so. In addition to normal driving, I have to parallel park (on either side of the street), and reverse around a corner. (In California, that's known as "reckless driving.")
4. Once I pass the practical test, I have to send my provisional license back, along with my pass certificates, to get a full license. I don't even know how much that costs.

Note that the UK driver's license never expires, and you never have to take the tests again. Contrast that to California, where you have to re-apply every 4-12 years, depending on your driving record. (The UK does require you to let them know if your vision deteriorates or you develop seizures, though, so they can take your license away. I'm not sure how many people actually tell them, though.)

Naturally, the first thing I did, after sending away for my provisional license, was to buy a book. The actual test is about 60 questions drawn randomly from a block of 1,000. The book was basically all 1,000 questions, with a small section at the end called "The Highway Code." (Which is odd, since they don't have highways here--motorways, carriageways, and clearways, but no highways.) So after spending 30 minutes reading, I then spent four days slogging through all 1,000 questions. It was gruelling, it was tedious, it was mind-numbingly boring, but there wasn't any other way around it since many of the questions were not covered in the Highway code!

I just graded myself and got 105 wrong, or about 89%. Passing is 75%, so I could have skipped the past four days and still passed with flying colors. Some interesting misses:

8. You are approaching traffic lights that have been green for some time. You should maintain your speed.
Nope, the answer is: Be ready to stop.

38. At a crossing with flashing amber lights, you must give way to pedestrians waiting to cross.
Nope--if they aren't in the crosswalk, they don't have the right of way. (FYI, those are actually called puffin crossings. There are also zebra crossings -- presumably named for the white stripes on the black pavement -- pelican crossings, toucan crossings, and pegasus crossings. Toucan crossings are for pedestrians and bicyclists, so it's easy to remember as "two can." Pegasus crossings, of course, are for horses--the push button is located higher up the pole, and the light is actually a red or green horse instead of a man. Pelican crossings are just normal crosswalks.)

46. A lorry (truck) is trying to overtake you, but taking a long time. You should hold your speed.
Nope--you're supposed to slow down.

47. Name seven vehicles that will use blue flashing beacons: police, fire engine, ambulance, bomb disposal, blood transfusion, coast guard, mountain rescue.
Doctors on emergency calls use green lights. Everyone else uses amber lights, including power wheelchairs, which are legal for street use even though they only go 8mph. (Note that they don't have yellow lights in the UK. They have yellow lines, but amber lights.)

61. You should ONLY flash your lights at other drivers to let them know that you are there.
That's correct, you use your lights like a horn. Even better, you're supposed to turn on your hazard lights to let people behind you know that there is something going on ahead, but you have to turn them off as soon as you're sure they've been seen.

69. You are stuck in traffic at night. To avoid dazzling other drivers, you should switch off your headlights.
No! You should use your handbrake instead of your footbrake, so your brake lights aren't shining. (I thought switching off headlights was a bad idea, but it certainly seemed like a better answer than making the person behind you think you were moving.)

135. Driving at 70mph uses more fuel than driving at 50mph by 30%.
181. Driving smoothly will reduce fuel consumption by about 15%.
182. You can save fuel when conditions allow by missing out some gears.
192. What percentage of all emissions does road transport account for? 20%.
Who the heck wrote this, Al Gore? I assure you, none of these answers are in the Highway Code. (And I don't even know what "missing out some gears" mean, but I assume it refers to manual transmissions, so I don't care.)

261. A police officer is standing at a junction, facing you, with her right arm raised and her left arm outstretched, pointing to your right. This means turn right.
No, it means stop. "Turn right" she would just have her left arm outstretched

295. You are driving towards a level (train) crossing. The first warning of an approaching train would be twin flashing red lights.
No, a steady amber light. (Oh, and some train crossings have manual gates, where you have to get out of your car, call the local operator to verify no trains are coming, lift the gate, drive through, and lower the gate behind you. I am not making that up.)

391. You see a pedestrian with a dog. The dog has a yellow or burgundy coat. This warns you that the pedestrian is deaf.
Apparently, in the UK, they have hearing-aid dogs. (I answered "color blind," because who would dress their dog in a yellow or burgundy coat? I would have answered "retarded" or "Paris Hilton" but those weren't on the multiple choice.)

632. At a crossroads thre are no signs or road markings. Two vehicles approach. Which has priority? Vehicles approaching from the right.
No, that's only true in the US. In the UK, nobody has priority, and nobody has to stop. That is to say, it's a free for all. This is true even at an intersection that has traffic lights, but the lights aren't working. (Apparently they are relying on that notional idea of fairness and good sportsmanship that the British are known for.)

633. You see a blue circle with a red outline and a red diagonal line through it. This means no waiting.
How could you not get that? And two red diagonals mean no waiting at any time. ("No cars" is a red circle with a car and no diagonal line, and really looks like it should mean "cars ok.")

935. Your vehicle catches file while driving through a tunnel. You should pull up, then walk to an emergency telephone point.
No! You should drive your burning vehicle out of the tunnel.

Not surprisingly, I missed all of the questions on driving in ice and snow. (Apparently you're supposed to drive in high gear, not low gear.) There also some ambiguous ones; eg you took the wrong route and ended up on a one-way street, but they don't tell you if you're going the right way or the wrong way. (Kind of makes a difference.) And tellingly, they have 20 questions on the vehicle excise tax, but only one question on child seats.

Oh, and the best part, is that as a provisional license holder I am forbidden from driving on the motorway, even during the practical test. However, once I get my full license, I can drive on the motorway with no experience at all! How cool is that?

P.S. After all of this, yesterday I found my wallet, complete with driver's license. (It was at the bottom of my closet--I must have left it in my pants, then hung my pants up.) However, since I'm already £60 pounds and four days into the process, I might as well finish it.

London for under £40 per day

London has always been ridiculously expensive, and even more so with today's exchange rate. A hot breakfast will set you back US $10, lunch US $15-20, and dinner a minimum of US $25. (And we're not even talking good food here, and certainly no alcohol.) Throw in a 3-star hotel, and you're looking at over US $1,000/week.

So, you ask your local London expert, how do you slash that in half?

First, stay at a two-star bed and breakfast. It's clean, comfortable, and you stayed here five years ago when just visiting, so you know the owners. (Back then you picked it because it was only one of two places that advertised itself as completely non-smoking, although recent laws have made all hotels non-smoking.) Breakfast is a simple affair of tea, toast, and cereal (bring your own banana) but it's pretty much the same thing you'd make yourself, and it's included in the room rate.

The owners are really friendly, and they offer--actually, they insist--on lowering your rate when they find you're going to be staying awhile. You have a room in the basement--a closet, really--and while you don't get much sunshine, it has four distinct advantages:

1. It is en suite (private bathroom), which is still not that common in European hotels, and certainly unheard of at £35/night in central London.
2. It is the only guest room in the basement, so it's very quiet (except when someone drags luggage down the stairs above you)
3. There is a TV lounge immediately adjacent which, while public, is hardly ever used, so it feels like an extension of your room, someplace you can take your laptop to when you're going stir crazy, or just want to watch the Olympics.
4. The kitchen is also adjacent, and the owners don't mind you storing stuff in the refrigerator or cooking, as long as you clean up after yourself. There is a stove, a toaster, and a full set of dishes. (No microwave or oven, and certainly no gadets like a blender, though.)

There is an art to raiding other people's food so it doesn't become an issue. For example, as the B&B goes through 2 -3 loaves of bread a day, a couple of slices is no big deal, but opening a fresh bag in the refrigerator would be wrong. Instead, take the slices from the loaves which are intentionally left unwrapped overnight so the bread goes stale, making for crisper toast. (Toast or fry them, but don't eat them straight, because they're stale. Plus its white bread.)

Using condiments are okay, but if you use most of a large tub of butter, best to just replace it. Familiarize yourself with everything in the kitchen so when poaching oil and vinegar, or some herbs, you can quickly use it and return it. Even though the owner stocks a lot of cheese, best to buy your own, because he likes funky cheese. (He also likes marmite and sweet pickle relish, and will offer you some, knowing that it will make you gag and double-over in disgust.) Other things you can successfully steal: eggs, tomatoes, onions, Pakistani mangoes, tea biscuits, and ice cream. (Not necessarily at the same time.) Of course, by the same token, you can't get upset if something of yours goes missing.

Fortunately, there is a large, 24-hour supermarket two blocks away, so buying in small quantities is easy. Some suggestions for quick, easy, and inexpensive meals:

• Moroccan hummus and pita, £2 (they also sell dolmas and mixed olives in a chilli garlic marinade for about £2 each)
• Bagged salad and baguette, £2 (excellent with a ball of mozzarella, 57p)
• Cheese sandwiches, grilled or toasted, 40p
• Packaged soup (pumpkin is particularly good), £1-2
• Portabello mushroom fajitas, £4 (but makes three meals)
• 2-egg omelette, 29p (filling extra--recommend portabello mushroom fajitas)
• Eggs and fried potatoes, 69p
• Fried egg sandwiches, with or without cheese and tomatoes, 15p-50p
• Packaged tortellini with pesto, £4 (makes three meals, more if you don't get sick of tortellini)
• Rice and green curry vegetables, £3
• Rice and black beans, £1
• Rice and stir-fry with tofu, £4 (tonight's meal)
• For dessert, fresh fruit (plums, peaches, apples, grapes) or plain yogurt mixed with muesli, < £1 per serving
• (The supermarket has "American style" cookies for 25p each, but they're sickeningly sweet, and I can't stop at one.)
• I also keep juice (OJ, lemonade, or mango) in the fridge

One cool thing I've learned: If you slice the baguette and lay them on top of the toaster, you'll get black "grill" stripes. You can also heat pita bread and tortillas on top of the toaster as well. (If anyone has any other tips, or suggestions for two-ingredient meals that take less than five minutes to cook, let me know.)

So there you have it, excellent advice on staying in central London for less than £40 per day*. That, or just move out of central London. But where's the sport in that?

* Tube costs, mobile phone charges, Internet access, medications, gym membership, laundry, books, batteries, and incidentals not included. Living this way for more than three months is not recommended. Starting a new relationship under these circumstances can also be occasionally uncomfortable, but at least you know she's not interested in you for your money or possessions. :-)

Street names

In today's lesson on British life, we will discuss street names. Those in the States are used to a hodge-podge of names borrowed from other countries: street, avenue, road, place, terrace, lane, boulevard, drive, and maybe an occasional courtyard.

In Britain, you have these plus: close, mews, terrace, garden, circus, yard, tower, building, manor, alley, approach, arcade, back, bridge, broadway, causeway, centre, church, churchyard, circle, college, common, corner, cottage, court, crescent, embankment, estate, field, gate, green, grove, heights, mansions, market, meadow, mount, museum, palace, parade, park, passage, pavilion, precinct, promenade, quadrant, rise, roundabout, trading, vale, view, villas, walk, and (my favorite) house.

Of course, keep in mind that when the street name changes every three blocks, you need a lot of names.

Previously, I mentioned that in London they number the houses up one side of the street and down the other, rather than odds-and-evens like, oh, almost everybody else in the world. I should also mention they also name every street in the area with the same name, changing only the suffix, so directions like this are not uncommon: "Take Fortis Green Road, turn left on Fortis Green, and left again on Fortis Green Avenue."

But wait, it gets worse. Today I needed to go to 73 Courtfield Gardens, and discovered that could be on any one of five different streets! ("Courtfield Gardens" is in red, Courtfield Road is in yellow.)

Not to be outdone, just a few blocks away, Bramham Gardens (in red) took four different streets, and one of those streets is "shared" with Bolton Gardens (in yellow). That is, the streets on the north side are Bramham Gardens and the houses on the south side are Bolton Gardens!

But oh, my friend, if it were only so simple, because some houses just opt out of this whole scheme altogether. So at the corner of Earl's Court Road and Bramham Gardens (north) and Bolton Gardens (south) is a building with two entrances -- the one on Earl's Court Road is "3 The Mansions" and the one on Bramham Gardens is "4 The Mansions."

(Where "The Mansions" came from is anybody's guess.)

So if you wonder why London has such a complicated postal code -- 5 or 6 alphanumeric characters, such as SW59FE (mine) -- it is because the address is pretty much meaningless. And I suspect that the real reason Britons eventually lost their empire is that they became too afraid to venture out, for fear of never finding their home again.

A disaster of epic proportions

My second "date" (fourth "meeting") with Jessica was at an outdoor concert on Hampstead Heath, a beautiful area north of London. On the way out, I noticed Diana Krall was playing there next month, so I asked Jess if she was interested, and she said, "I was thinking about getting tickets for my parents." Now, anyone else would have thought she was blowing me off (and insulting Diana Krall) but I just invited her parents to go with us.

Bold? Perhaps. Presumptuous? Absolutely. Smart? No.

I had already met her other parents (dad and step-mom) in Los Angeles--they were the ones who gave me Jessica's number--but this was her mom and step-dad, who live about three blocks away. I knew I couldn't avoid them for long, so figured it would be better to get it out of the way early. Jess later told me she begged her parents not to accept, but it had been four years since she had introduced anyone to her parents, and they were keen to meet me. (Plus they really did love Diana Krall.)

So I bought the tickets and got a job, because I sure as hell wasn't going to meet her parents without being employed. Except...I didn't actually get a job, and of course they asked what I did and I had to admit I didn't have a job. And I was living in a hotel. They pretty much stopped asking me questions after that.

Did I mention it was pouring rain, for an outdoor concert? We went and sat in the wet grass, huddled under umbrellas, and couldn't even see the stage. But halfway through the concert, the rain stopped...and the wind picked up, and it was freezing. Then the rain started again. I brought a bottle of chilled chablis, which went home unopened. I was also soaked through but, coincidentally, I had gone clothes shopping that afternoon and left my bag at Jessica's, so I was able to change into dry clothes when we returned, albeit completely mismatched. (Green pullover, tan jeans, white socks, and black shoes...)

So that said, her parents were lovely, and real troupers. (And they'll certainly never forget me.) It certainly didn't compare to the *last* parents I met, but at least this time there were no machine guns or wolves involved. Her parents also reciprocated and invited me to the Ballet Trockadero (an all-male edition of Swan Lake) in October. If I thought it was presumptuous of me to make plans a month in advance, I wonder how Jess feels about her parents inviting me two months in advance? :-)