A test of epic boredom

A few weeks ago, I lost my wallet. I was able to replace all of the cards easily, and only lost a little cash. (One of the perks of being poor.) I couldn't replace my California driver's license, though, because they required me to appear in person -- in California.

When I moved here, I had no intention of driving anywhere, so I thought this was no big deal. However, Jessica has a few days off next week and wanted to go somewhere--anywhere--and I wanted to be able to share the driving . (Note: In the UK, you can drive for 12 months with a foreign driver's license, but since I no longer had my license, I couldn't drive, period.)

So I decided it was time to get a local driver's license. I did some research and discovered how it works in the UK:

1. I had to send away for a "provisional" license. This cost £50 (US $94) and I had to mail them a photo, my passport, and testimony from someone who lived in the UK and had known me for at least two years, asserting my identity! Fortunately, the hotel owner remembered me from 2003 and was willing to sign.
2. Once I have my license, I can drive on the streets, but not the motorways (highways to you yanks). I can then sign up to take the "theory test" (written) which costs another £40 or so.
3. Once I pass the theory test, I can then sign up for the "practical test" (driving) which costs another £40 or so. In addition to normal driving, I have to parallel park (on either side of the street), and reverse around a corner. (In California, that's known as "reckless driving.")
4. Once I pass the practical test, I have to send my provisional license back, along with my pass certificates, to get a full license. I don't even know how much that costs.

Note that the UK driver's license never expires, and you never have to take the tests again. Contrast that to California, where you have to re-apply every 4-12 years, depending on your driving record. (The UK does require you to let them know if your vision deteriorates or you develop seizures, though, so they can take your license away. I'm not sure how many people actually tell them, though.)

Naturally, the first thing I did, after sending away for my provisional license, was to buy a book. The actual test is about 60 questions drawn randomly from a block of 1,000. The book was basically all 1,000 questions, with a small section at the end called "The Highway Code." (Which is odd, since they don't have highways here--motorways, carriageways, and clearways, but no highways.) So after spending 30 minutes reading, I then spent four days slogging through all 1,000 questions. It was gruelling, it was tedious, it was mind-numbingly boring, but there wasn't any other way around it since many of the questions were not covered in the Highway code!

I just graded myself and got 105 wrong, or about 89%. Passing is 75%, so I could have skipped the past four days and still passed with flying colors. Some interesting misses:

8. You are approaching traffic lights that have been green for some time. You should maintain your speed.
Nope, the answer is: Be ready to stop.

38. At a crossing with flashing amber lights, you must give way to pedestrians waiting to cross.
Nope--if they aren't in the crosswalk, they don't have the right of way. (FYI, those are actually called puffin crossings. There are also zebra crossings -- presumably named for the white stripes on the black pavement -- pelican crossings, toucan crossings, and pegasus crossings. Toucan crossings are for pedestrians and bicyclists, so it's easy to remember as "two can." Pegasus crossings, of course, are for horses--the push button is located higher up the pole, and the light is actually a red or green horse instead of a man. Pelican crossings are just normal crosswalks.)

46. A lorry (truck) is trying to overtake you, but taking a long time. You should hold your speed.
Nope--you're supposed to slow down.

47. Name seven vehicles that will use blue flashing beacons: police, fire engine, ambulance, bomb disposal, blood transfusion, coast guard, mountain rescue.
Doctors on emergency calls use green lights. Everyone else uses amber lights, including power wheelchairs, which are legal for street use even though they only go 8mph. (Note that they don't have yellow lights in the UK. They have yellow lines, but amber lights.)

61. You should ONLY flash your lights at other drivers to let them know that you are there.
That's correct, you use your lights like a horn. Even better, you're supposed to turn on your hazard lights to let people behind you know that there is something going on ahead, but you have to turn them off as soon as you're sure they've been seen.

69. You are stuck in traffic at night. To avoid dazzling other drivers, you should switch off your headlights.
No! You should use your handbrake instead of your footbrake, so your brake lights aren't shining. (I thought switching off headlights was a bad idea, but it certainly seemed like a better answer than making the person behind you think you were moving.)

135. Driving at 70mph uses more fuel than driving at 50mph by 30%.
181. Driving smoothly will reduce fuel consumption by about 15%.
182. You can save fuel when conditions allow by missing out some gears.
192. What percentage of all emissions does road transport account for? 20%.
Who the heck wrote this, Al Gore? I assure you, none of these answers are in the Highway Code. (And I don't even know what "missing out some gears" mean, but I assume it refers to manual transmissions, so I don't care.)

261. A police officer is standing at a junction, facing you, with her right arm raised and her left arm outstretched, pointing to your right. This means turn right.
No, it means stop. "Turn right" she would just have her left arm outstretched

295. You are driving towards a level (train) crossing. The first warning of an approaching train would be twin flashing red lights.
No, a steady amber light. (Oh, and some train crossings have manual gates, where you have to get out of your car, call the local operator to verify no trains are coming, lift the gate, drive through, and lower the gate behind you. I am not making that up.)

391. You see a pedestrian with a dog. The dog has a yellow or burgundy coat. This warns you that the pedestrian is deaf.
Apparently, in the UK, they have hearing-aid dogs. (I answered "color blind," because who would dress their dog in a yellow or burgundy coat? I would have answered "retarded" or "Paris Hilton" but those weren't on the multiple choice.)

632. At a crossroads thre are no signs or road markings. Two vehicles approach. Which has priority? Vehicles approaching from the right.
No, that's only true in the US. In the UK, nobody has priority, and nobody has to stop. That is to say, it's a free for all. This is true even at an intersection that has traffic lights, but the lights aren't working. (Apparently they are relying on that notional idea of fairness and good sportsmanship that the British are known for.)

633. You see a blue circle with a red outline and a red diagonal line through it. This means no waiting.
How could you not get that? And two red diagonals mean no waiting at any time. ("No cars" is a red circle with a car and no diagonal line, and really looks like it should mean "cars ok.")

935. Your vehicle catches file while driving through a tunnel. You should pull up, then walk to an emergency telephone point.
No! You should drive your burning vehicle out of the tunnel.

Not surprisingly, I missed all of the questions on driving in ice and snow. (Apparently you're supposed to drive in high gear, not low gear.) There also some ambiguous ones; eg you took the wrong route and ended up on a one-way street, but they don't tell you if you're going the right way or the wrong way. (Kind of makes a difference.) And tellingly, they have 20 questions on the vehicle excise tax, but only one question on child seats.

Oh, and the best part, is that as a provisional license holder I am forbidden from driving on the motorway, even during the practical test. However, once I get my full license, I can drive on the motorway with no experience at all! How cool is that?

P.S. After all of this, yesterday I found my wallet, complete with driver's license. (It was at the bottom of my closet--I must have left it in my pants, then hung my pants up.) However, since I'm already £60 pounds and four days into the process, I might as well finish it.