It was with no small amount of irony that I disembarked from a British Airways flight this morning, exactly one year to the day after I moved here. The difference, of course, was that now I had a home, a job, friends, and Jessica. I didn't feel stressed or confused, and I wasn't lugging everything I owned in three large suitcases. I just had a small carry-on after spending the weekend with my aunt and uncle in Georgia.
Looking through my diary from a year ago, my first month is filled with scintillating entries such as: Buy voltage converter, unlock cell phone, and open bank account. There was nothing romantic, hopeful, or even whimsical. (There was one entry that read, “Explore Notting Hill/Camden,” but even that was just a practical task in search of permanent housing.) Reading it, one would think I moved here because I was bored.
But the reality is that I came here to explore, to learn, and to have fun. I could have stayed in Los Angeles and been comfortable and successful, but that wasn't enough. I wanted to stretch myself, and that is exactly what I've done. I had a lot of lessons to learn, but now that I've achieved the basics, I feel like I can finally get started. The UK is a very small place, but the whole world is practically within my grasp. I just need to stretch a little more.
And so, getting off the plane this morning, I thought to myself: It's good to be home.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: My life is blessed. It may not be ideal, of course, but everything always seems to work out for the best. For example, I did not want to commit to an apartment until I found a job (because I was worried about a long commute), but just after I signed a lease, I found a job that lets me work from home. I'd also stopped looking for a "good" job, and was willing to take any job, when I found this practically ideal job. But the most incredible thing of all is that just last month, I learned that to renew my UK work permit next May, I would need to prove my income for the previous 12 months. That meant I needed to be employed May 1 or I was going to get booted out of the UK next year. I started this job April 27.
But even though these things work out, that doesn't mean they are easy, and sometimes they leave scars. A year ago, I was so sure of myself I was willing to change continents, alone and unemployed. I met an amazing woman, experienced a whole new city, and really learned a whole new way of life. I felt invincible, my life was wide open, and everything seemed possible.
Today, though, despite achieving more than I'd hoped for, I feel much smaller. The possibilities have closed in, and I am feeling all my years, my fears, and my failures. I think the problem is, I moved to England to find myself, and I don't like what I found.
But the reality is that I'm still learning, and still growing. Off the top of my head, I can count a dozen experiences I would have never even known about had I not moved here and met Jessica, including bluebells (photo attached). Perhaps the real problem is that I'm looking at myself through a new context -- moving from a small pond to a big pond, as it were, and finding I'm not as big a fish as I'd imagined.
