Marriage MOT

At dinner with a friend, the topic turned to a "marriage MOT."  For those not in the UK, the MOT is the annual vehicle inspection* required to ensure the vehicle is road worthy.  A quick "google" found that the idea is not unique, although it is applied inconsistently.  The Church of England thinks it's a one-off activity to do before getting married. The Daily Mail thinks it's for couples in their early 40s who are having relationship issues.  The Marriage Partnership think it's a one-day course you should consider doing before your relationship breaks down.  Actually that's the cut-down version of the Marriage Course which is 7 evenings of "a romantic candle-lit meal with practical talks that are informative and fun and time."  Feedback includes "The food was amazing,")  The Star thinks it's a questionnaire to fill out.  The Huffington Post thinks that instead of asking, "How was your day?" you should ask, "When did you feel loved today?"  (Not really clear on that one.) There's even a "MarriageMOT" twitter account, dispensing occasional advice (and an occasional advert). Sapphire Counseling seems to have gotten the closest, but starts with the unfortunate question,"Have you got a rattle in your relationship?"

In 2014, a report by the UK Department for Education called for a national drive to encourage couples to consider getting help to strengthen their relationships before problems occur.  That's lovely, but then went on to make no concrete suggestions other than register offices offer discounts on wedding fees for couples who go on a relationship course.  The only problem is, nobody goes to the register office after they get married.  They then go on to make the very dubious claim that every £1 the government spends on relationship counselling will save £11.50 in benefits to single mothers.

The point they are all missing is that the vehicle MOT is not optional, not something to do when you think something might be wrong, and certainly not when you know something is wrong.  It's an annual requirement to ensure things are going well, and give you an early indication of developing problems.

Of course, I'm not advocating that the government require people to submit for annual inspections, but what's important thing here is that it can't be ad hoc and it can't be one-sided; it has to be agreed in advance by both parties; the earlier the better. Ideally, it would be part of a couple's wedding vows.  The obvious time to go is around an anniversary (preferably before the anniversary, I think). If you're already in a relationship, committing to an annual review defuses an adversarial, one-sided, single-issue discussion to become an abstract, inclusive agreement that is much less threatening.  (And when the date does come around and one--or both!--partners becomes uneasy, it's too late--you already agreed to go.)

And yes, it would have to be with a trained counsellor, a disinterested third party who can guide the conversation and make recommendations. Otherwise it's too easy for one person to dominate the conversation, or dismiss the other's concerns.  There would have to be a written record, which at the very least could be reviewed at the next MOT.  And of course the counsellor may suggest interim activites, including relationship counselling, if needed.  In fact, that's the whole point. When you go for a dental checkup, you expect the dentist to tell you if you have any problems that need to be dealt with.

The other thing that makes an MOT work is that it's standardized and agreed upon, so you can take your car to any station and know what to expect.  If it's subsidized, it encourages unnecessary work.  However, where cost is an issue it can be done in a group setting like the Marriage Course, where couples talk among themselves with a group mediator.  In addition, the UK Department of Education stated it already spends £30 million per year, although no doubt most of it is spent on relationships with significant issues, like violence.  As Sapphire Counseling notes, anyone in a violent relationship needs to get individual counseling (and I would add, get the hell out of there).

Of course I'm not a counselor, but the Marriage Course focuses on seven areas which seem to be a perennial issue, and could do with being reviewed on an annual basis:
• Building Strong Foundations
• The Art of Communication
• Resolving Conflict
• The Power of Forgiveness
• The Impact of Family - Past and Present
• Good Sex
• Love in Action

So that's my advice. Take it from someone with three failed relationships (and who will probably ignore this in his next one, as well).  It's still a good idea.

* I should note that in the US, only 20 states have inspection programs, and as North Carolina recently noted when scrapping theirs: "Nearly three decades of research has failed to conclusively show that mechanical defects are a significant cause of motor vehicle accidents or that safety inspections significantly reduce accident rates."  However, I think we can agree that the same is not true of relationships.