Music to remember

Five years ago, in my post on Music to break up by, I noted, "songs I thought were about break ups could equally apply to death." I've always felt song lyrics were modern poetry, and these are some of the song lyrics that remind me of my wife, either because they reflect her beauty, her vivaciousness (often contrasted with my curmudgeonliness) or my grief. Occasionally, all three.

[In no particular order. All links open Spotify in a separate window.]

"The Shadow of Your Smile" (1965, lyrics by Paul Francis Webster, sung by Tony Bennett)

Our wistful little star
Was far too high
A teardrop kissed your lips
And so did I
Now when I remember spring
All the joy that love can bring
I will be remembering
The shadow of your smile

"Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel)" (1994, written and sung by Billy Joel)

Goodnight, my angel
Time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what
You've been asking me
I think you know
What I've been trying to say
I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Wherever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away

"Make You Feel My Love" (1997, written by Bob Dylan, I prefer the Billy Joel version)

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love
There is nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

"All at Once" (1991, written and sung by Bonnie Raitt)

Take me where I only feel
The wind across my face
Let me know there's someplace left for me
Waiting there for me 

All at once I hear your voice
And time just slips away
Nothing they could say can hold me here

"Softly, as I Leave You" (1966, English lyrics by Hal Shaper, sung by Brenda Lee)

Softly I will leave you softly
For my heart would break if you should wake and see me go
So I leave you softly long before you miss me
Long before your arms can beg me to stay
For one more hour or one more day
After all the years I can't bear the tears to fall so
Softly, as I leave you there

"Lullaby" (2006, written and sung by the Dixie Chicks)

As you wander through this troubled world

In search of all things beautiful

You can close your eyes when you're miles away

And hear my voice like a serenade

How long do you wanna be loved?

Is forever enough, is forever enough

How long do you wanna be loved?

Is forever enough

'Cause I'm never, never giving you up

"Love Is the Way" (2009, written by Declan O'Rourke and sung by Eddi Reader)

[My wife walked down the aisle to this.]

In the light of this day, all things make sense somehow.
It's like I've been in a haze for what seems like years now.
Well I suppose I am drawn to bright and beautiful things,
And I suppose I am home every time I am in your company.

All the moments we share just between me and you,
Are among those I'd care to treasure my whole life through.
I don't know where we're going; who knows what we can be?
I just know we are glowing, we have so many possibilities

"Amoreena" (1970, lyrics by Bernie Taupin and sung by Elton John)

And when it rains, the rain falls down
Washing out the cattle town
But she's quite safe up far away in her eiderdown
And she dreams of crystal streams
Of days gone by when we would lean
Laughing, fit to burst, on each other

If only, I was nestling in the cradle of your cabin
My arms around your shoulders, the windows wide and open
While the songbirds and the sycamore are growing in the valley
Oh, I miss you Amoreena, like the king bee misses honey

"Beautiful" (1972, written and sung by Gordon Lightfoot)

At times I just don't know
How you could be anything but beautiful
I think that I was made for you
And you were made for me

Laughing eyes and smiling face
It seems so lucky just to have the right
Of telling you with all my might
You're beautiful tonight

"Time in a Bottle" (1972, written and sung by Jim Croce)

If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that I'd like to do
Is to save every day
'Til eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you

If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
I'd save every day like a treasure and then
Again, I would spend them with you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I've looked around enough to know
That you're the one I want to go
Through time with

If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty
Except for the memory
Of how they were answered by you

"Who Will Sing Me Lullabies" (2007, written and sung by Kate Rusby)

I lay here, I'm weeping for the stars, they have come
I lay here not sleepin' now the long night has begun
The man in the moon, oh, he can't help but cry
There's no one to sing me lullabies

"Be My Life's Companion" (1951, lyrics by Bob Hilliard, sung by The Mills Brothers)

[My wife sang this to me at our wedding. And she was right--she loved me so much that she'll never grow old.]

Be my life's companion and you'll never grow old
I'll love you so much that you'll never grow old
When there's joy in living you just never grow old
Be my life's companion and you'll never grow old

"And I Love You So" (1970, written by Don McLean, I prefer the Perry Como version)

And I love you so
The people ask me how
How I've lived till now
I tell them I don't know

I guess they understand
How lonely life has been
But life began again
The day you took my hand

The book of life is brief
And once a page is read
All but love is dead
That is my belief

And yes, I know how lonely life can be
The shadows follow me, and the night won't set me free
But I don't let the evening get me down
Now that you're around me

"Until I hold you once again" (2008, written and sung by Reg Meuross)

[This did not feature in our wedding, but my wife did wear a red dress that day.]

It’s time to put your red dress on
See how beautiful you are
Now the night is almost gone
You will be my falling star
As the shadows turn to gold
And our tears to morning rain
Leave a promise I can hold
Until I hold you once again

"Homeless" (2001, written and sung by Loudon Wainwright III)

When you were alive, I was never alone
Somewhere in the world, there was something called home
And as long as you lived, I would be alright
There were reasons to win, and incentives to fight

People have called to find out if I'm fine
I assure them I am
But I'm not, it's a lie
They say in the end, your good friends pull you through
But everyone knows, my best friend was you

Now I feel like I'm homeless but I will be alright
I'll get through the days
I'll face down the night

"Irresistable You" (1961, written by Al Kasha and Luther Dixon, sung by Bobby Darin)

Your magic hands
Your loving eyes
Your kissable lips
Make my heart realize
I'm in love, I'm in love
And I know it's true
'Cause who wouldn't fall
For irresistible you

Don't you fret
Don't you worry bout me
'Cause I'll never forget
How much you mean to me
I'll love you, I'll love you
My whole life through
Tell me, who wouldn't fall
For irresistible you

"I'll Be Seeing You" (1938, lyrics by Irving Kahal, sung by Jimmy Durante)

I'll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces
All day through

I'll be seeing you
In every lovely summer's day
In every thing that's light and gay
I'll always think of you that way

I'll find you in the morning sun
And when the night is new
I'll be looking at the moon
But I'll be seeing you

"I Remember Everything" (2020, written and sung by John Prine)

I remember everything
Things I can't forget
The way you turned and smiled on me
On the night that we first met
And I remember every night
Your ocean eyes of blue
How I miss you in the morning light
Like roses miss the dew

I've been down this road before
Alone as I can be
Careful not to let my past
Go sneaking up on me
Got no future in my happiness
Though regrets are very few
Sometimes a little tenderness
Was the best that I could do

"Love Story (You and Me)" (1968, written and sung by Randy Newman)

[Whenever things got overwhelming, and they often did, I'd sing just the chorus to Rae.]

You and me you and me, baby
You and me you and me you and me, baby
You and me you and me you and me, baby
You and me you and me you and me, baby

"My One and Only Love" (1953, lyrics by Robert Mellin, sung by Sting)

The touch of your hand is like heaven,
A heaven that I've never known.
The blush on your cheek whenever I speak
Tells me that you are my own.

The very thought of you makes my heart sing
Like an April breeze on the wings of spring,
And you appear in all your splendor,
My one and only love.

"My Lady's a Wild Flying Dove" (1964, written and sung by Tom Paxton)

My lady's a wild flying dove
My lady is wine
She whispers each evening
She's mine, mine, mine

She tells me she's learning
How full her cup can be
She asks me to help her
But I know, she's teaching me

"What Are You Doing the Rest of Your Life" (1969, lyrics by Alan Bergman and Marilyn Bergman, sung by Frank Sinatra) 

I want to see your face in every kind of light
In fields of dawn and forests of the night
And when you stand before the candles on a cake
Oh, let me be the one to hear the silent wish you make

What are you doing the rest of your life?
North and South and East and West of your life
I have only one request of your life
That you spend it all with me

Through all of my life
Summer, Winter, Spring, and Fall of my life
All I ever will recall of my life
Is all of my life with you

"Twinkle In Your Eye" (2014, written and sung by James Lee Stanley)

The first time I heard you laugh my heart just skipped a beat
I think I knew for certain then that we were bound to meet
I crossed the room to find you and I’ve never lost the rush
I feel each time you smile at me, I feel each time we touch  
 
We had our ups and downs for sure with all that we’ve been thru
I would not be the man I am today if not for you
And when I lost my own belief, you still had faith in me
Now every day I’m living for the moment I might see…   

The a twinkle in your eye each time you look at me
The twinkle in your eye and I always feel such joy to see
The twinkle in your eye when you look at me

"I Have Met My Love Today" (2018, written and sung by John Prine)

I've been holding on for you
Dreams I've had have all come true
I have seen your picture, and I knew you right away
I have met my love today 

Day-by-day, our love will grow
Day-by-day, our love will show
We'll go on forever, and I can truly say
"I have met my love today"

"Summers End" (2018, written and sung by John Prine)

The moon and stars hang out in bars just talking
I still love that picture of us walking
Just like that ol' house we thought was haunted
Summer's end came faster than we wanted 

Come on home
Come on home
No you don't have to be alone

"Song For You Far Away" (1985, written and sung by James Taylor) 

Open the door it takes me back
Oh, it takes me back
Mention your name, and I'm gone again
Oh, I'm gone again 

This is a song for you far away from me
And you're far away from me
Talking about far away
Far away from me

"You Were Meant For Me" (1996, written and sung by Jewel) 

Put on my PJs and hop into bed
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it'll all be alright
I shouldn't think anymore tonight

Dreams last for so long
Even after you're gone
And I know that you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you

"Fields of Gold" (1993, written and sung by Sting)

Will you stay with me?

Will you be my love?

Upon the fields of barley

We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky

As we lie in fields of gold 

Many years have passed since those summer days

Among the fields of barley

See the children run as the sun goes down

Among the fields of gold

Lastly, Robert Burns may have been Scotland's national poet, but he also wrote a number of songs, including "Auld Lang Syne" and "My Love Is Like a Red, Red Rose."  

Ae Fond Kiss (1792, english translation)

Who shall say that Fortune grieves him,
While the star of hope she leaves him?
Me, no cheerful twinkle lights me,
Dark despair around overtakes me.

Had we never loved so kindly,
Had we never loved so blindly,
Never met - or never parted -
We had never been broken-hearted. 

One fond kiss, and then we sever!
One farewell, alas, for ever!
Deep in heart-wrung tears I will pledge you,
Warring sighs and groans I'll wage thee.

 

House update

It's been over a year since my last house update, and there's a lot going on.

First, after all the work we did to create the master bedroom with en suite and french doors onto the deck, I've decided to move out of the master bedroom and into what was my study/guestroom. I'm not doing this because the master bedroom reminds me of Rae (everything in the house reminds me of Rae) but because I decided to list the master bedroom on Airbnb. Last weekend, I took all of Rae's stuff out of the closet, which was pretty hard, but I'm keeping it until the girls can go through it and see what they want.

Rae and I had hoped to re-do the kitchen when we re-did the rest of the house, but we ran out of money and didn't want to dip into the "war chest" we'd set aside for the self-funded drugs. I can't tell you how grateful I am that so many people contributed to my wife's Givealittle page, and how frustrated I am that nobody would take their money back after she passed away so suddenly, but those funds covered her burial and so I still have the "war chest." It seems reasonable to use that money to finish Rae's vision, even if she isn't around to enjoy it.

I spoke to three kitchen designers and got three completely different versions, but they all follow Rae's requirements: A galley kitchen with sliding doors at either end, so the kitchen can be cut off from the rest of the house as needed. Right now the kitchen is a demented u-shape design that wastes so much space, that the only option is to gut it and replace it.

Unfortunately, as I was in the middle of the discussion with the kitchen designers, we discovered the little balcony off the living room was leaking water into the garage. Over the past two months, I've had four builders out, all with wildly differing views on how to solve it, and not one of them will give me a cost estimate.

(If money were no object, I'd look at enclosing that balcony and making a sun room, or even moving the exterior wall and incorporating that space into the main living area, but that's not a priority right now. I just need to it to stop leaking.)

On that note, when we had the roof painted last October the first thing they did was pressure-wash the roof and our guest bathroom looked like someone had been murdered in there. That's how we discovered there were problems with the skylight. (And based on the layers of caulking, it looks like these have been problems for years, so I'm not sure how the property inspector missed it...) Of course, they no longer make that kind of skylight so the only option is to replace it. In June, I had a skylight company over to give me a quote and mentioned I was re-doing the kitchen and somehow he convinced me to put a new skylight in the kitchen, as well. He gave me a good deal for both so, even though the kitchen is on hold, I need to take care of the bathroom so I'm going ahead with the kitchen skylight.

Also last October, when the roof painters were setting up scaffolding around the house, I also looked at solar panels because (obviously) they'd need scaffolding as well. The bank offered a "good energy" loan that was 1% interest for three years for things like double glazing and solar panels, and I wanted to take advantage of that. After a month of negotiating and finally selecting a vendor and organising a date, the bank told me the house market in Wellington had fallen and if I took out the loan my "loan to value" would be too high and I'd need to pay another $1,500. I told them to pound sand.

After Rae passed away, the same bank wouldn't just take her name off the mortgage, but instead made me take out a new mortgage from scratch. It was ridiculous, especially since they knew Rae wasn't earning anything so the fundamentals hadn't changed. But I went through the charade and noticed that, for whatever reason, they had set the value of the house higher. This didn't affect the loan but it did mean the loan-to-value amount was lower and so I wouldn't need to pay the extra $1,500. They confirmed that was true so I contacted the three solar companies and asked if they needed scaffolding (since it was long gone). One said yes so they were out. One said no but he'd increased his cost by $1,800 so he was out. One said no and had increased his cost slightly, but was also using better panels so the system would generate slightly more electricity. I signed up.

I'm also waiting for a part to try and repair the spa, which has been out of commission since February. I'm promised it will be here this month. If it doesn't work, the spa guy want to replace the controller, which is going to cost a few thousand dollars. 😢

And lastly, I decided I'd get a mosaic to put on Rae's garden beds. (Something really creative, like "Rae's garden beds.") I know someone who does large mosaics so I thought she'd jump at the chance, but instead she said, "You know, I'm teaching a group of friends how to do mosaics, so why don't you come along and then you can make it yourself?" That sounded like a terrible idea so of course I agreed.

So that's seven big things, plus several little things:

1. I got quotes to replace some of the windows (the north-facing ones that get the brunt of the winds) with double-glazing, but it's much more expensive that I'd expected. I'm hoping to get a better mortgage rate in December, which may allow me to extend the "good energy" loan to include the windows.

2. Last summer I installed a metal shed but decided to move the door to the other side, which created a host of unforeseen problems. The reason I moved the door was because there was a hydrangea in front of it, but that hydrangea didn't really do much last summer so I've since had it removed. I may try to move the door back, but it was riveted in place so it will be a real pain to undo.  

3. I haven't been able to park my car in the garage since January. It's just a cavalcade of crap going through there. I really want to get it organised so I can charge my car at night again, instead of worrying about my neighbour Karen (not her real name, just her attitude) complaining about my car in the shared drive.

Wish me luck.

An open letter to my first girlfriend

 I've written this letter a dozen times over the past 30-plus years. Of course, each time it is completely different because I've been a different stage of my life, but the one constant is I've never sent it. I think it's because I'm afraid you wouldn't care.

First, I want to apologise for how we separated, as there were miscommunications and misunderstandings all around. Ultimately it was the right decision, because I still had to grow up and you had to deal with some of your demons, but I never meant it to be hurtful. I think you believed I was having an affair with Dawn, and I want you to know that was absolutely not the case. Yes, we did end up together, but at the time it was not even on my radar.

Not long after we separated, I had my first career break, as the department right next door to mine was looking for a developer and a co-worker recommended me. They required a bachelor's degree and thank goodness I'd been taking those night classes in electronics, as I was able to continue that and get my degree in a year. I moved to Orange County for that year and absolutely hated it -- as soon as I graduated, I moved to the South Bay and I was able to walk to work. (That's also when Dawn and I moved in together.)

I should note I wasn't allowed to keep my fish tank at the new job, and in any case Oscar the goldfish had long outgrown that little 8 gallon tank and I'd upgraded to a 30 gallon tank, and then 50 gallons. Fish husbandry became a bit of an obsession and I ended up with four tanks between 100 and 250 gallons, plus a koi pond inside my house, but I get ahead of myself.

I think Dawn wanted a pet but couldn't because of my asthma and allergies, so she got an iguana and named him Alex after a character on Star Trek: Next Generation. (He turned out to be a she.) I did love her but it was completely unreciprocated. I had to stop taking her out for walks when she was three-feet long, and even friends hesitated to visit when she reached five-feet. (Most of it was tail but she had free rein of the house. Potty-training an iguana is an experience.)

My father died when I was 24. He was in the hospital and the doctor told us he had just a few days left, when the Northridge Earthquake destroyed my parents' home. It seemed like a cosmic joke. I think my mother was 55 at the time, and she survived almost 30 more years.

A few months later I bought a house in Lomita. It was pretty unique because it had a two-storey atrium inside, and I planted a large ficus and built the aforementioned koi pond. The iguana liked to jump from the upstairs onto the ficus. One day she slipped out an open window and was gone for almost six months. Turned out she was just two houses down and when the owner hired someone to trim his trees, they returned her.

Even at the time, I referred to that period as the salad days because we were dual-income no kids, but there was a shadow on the horizon: Dawn's grandparents had owned property in rural Pennsylvania -- Amish country -- where she grew up and she wanted to refurbish it and move there. My neighbor in Lomita cautioned me to do it while I was young, so if things fell apart I could still recover. He said if I waited for retirement, I'd be stuck, and truer words were never said.

I didn't have many hobbies and spent my non-working time either working on the house or watching old films at old cinemas. (It's probably not surprising how many historic cinemas are in LA.) I bought a used convertible to enjoy the weather and everyone joked I was having a mid-life crisis at 28. Then I got my next big career break: I was working at a consulting firm on a project for Honda during the dot-com bubble and I decided to quit and do independent consulting. Honda hired me for an outrageous $100 per hour and kept me full-time for six years.

Meanwhile, the value of the house in Lomita had gone from $200,000 in 1994 to $800,000 in 2006. Between that and savings, I had over $1 million US dollars. I had decided -- over Dawn's protests and her mother's threats -- to turn the property in Pennsylvania into a bed and breakfast, both to have an income and to take advantage of tax credits for restoring an historic property for commercial use. (The main building dated to 1760.) I should probably note Dawn's parents were running a wolf sanctuary on the property...because.

I figured $1 million was enough to restore the property, establish the business and still provide a sufficient cushion. I was wrong. Part of the problem was I sent Dawn to Pennsylvania to oversee the project and keep costs down, but she did the opposite. She insisted on perfectionism and things like painting, which should have taken weeks, ended up taking months. All told, it took 18 months and $1.3 million just to get the doors open.

Not unsurprisingly, those 18 months were rough. I was working all day and trying to start a business at night. Dawn hired an old friend of hers to restore the windows, which became very problematic. I knew that before I met Dawn she had a serious cocaine addiction, but she was clean when I met her and after fourteen years of being sober it never occurred to me she'd start up again, but her friend became her dealer and eventually she started sleeping with him. I was completely oblivious and, to add insult to injury, we got married during this time.

As you're well aware, I always felt marriage was a religious institution that I wanted nothing to do with. However, the IRS didn't recognize de facto relationships and since Dawn owned the property but I had the income, the only way to take advantage of the tax credits was to get married. (Spoiler: There is another barb in this tale.) Given what was going on behind my back, I can only assume Dawn went ahead with the marriage because she was afraid I'd stop paying for everything. Nevertheless, it all came out a few months later -- too late to have the marriage annulled -- and in fact I did freeze the money and the whole project came to a stop. Dawn got a job paying $20,000/year and by my calculations it would take her about 60 years to finish the restoration.

Weirdly, I felt worse about the restoration than about the relationship. I felt like the worst thing I could do was spend all that money and abandon the project halfway through. Even though I could walk away with some money left, it wasn't enough to save my house and I had already mentally checked out at work, so I couldn't see another path. (I also didn't know the depths of Dawn's activities at that time.) Instead, I told Dawn I forgave her (I didn't) and started the project back up. It was a very long six months, partly because I knew I was spending money on something I would not get to enjoy, but also because I was lying to all of my friends as I knew they would not understand why I needed to do this.

On 4 July, 2006, I quit my job, put the Lomita house for sale and drove to Pennsylvania to get the B&B open. (I had to drive because iguanas can't fly.) I had a little office on the third floor and I slept there. (Poor Alex was also stuck in that room when she was used to having full roam of the house.) Those next three months were a complete blur but the B&B was an amazing success; the occupancy rate was much higher than I'd expected, and I'd even hired the first employee. By the end of October I felt like my role had played out, but there was one last issue that hadn't been resolved: The house in Lomita hadn't sold. So I packed a suitcase and flew back, arriving for Halloween.

For many years, Halloween had been our thing: We invited friends over for pumpkin-carving parties and spent way too much money on decorations. That Halloween I sat on the floor in a dark house because I didn't have candy or furniture. My relationship was over and at that point I was a million dollars in debt. To this day, I don't understand why I chose to fly back rather than drive my car and bring more of my stuff, but I think it was a mixture of grief and despair.

When I got back it was patently obvious why the house hadn't sold, and I couldn't believe the realtor hadn't said anything. Without the furniture, the house looked dated and dirty. I spent the last of my money replacing the carpet, removing the popcorn ceiling and painting. I then hired someone to stage the house, and it sold a few weeks later. (The realtor then tried to take credit for this, which is why I hate realtors to this day.)

It was now Christmas and I had no job, no house and no money. I still had good credit, though, and I realised (because our finances were still linked) that Dawn had missed a payment on a loan which triggered the interest rate to skyrocket. Again, for reasons that are beyond me, I decided -- without even telling her -- to transfer that loan to myself. It was for $30,000. Dawn sent me a pair of Amish oven mitts. For years I joked about my $30,000 oven mitts.

All of my friends were in LA, and they were all very supportive, but I felt like I was starting my life over again at the age of 37, and I didn't want to just do the same things again. Working in IT, a lot of my friends were immigrants, and I'd always admired their ability to navigate two worlds. However, I knew I was hopeless with languages so I limited my choice to English-speaking countries: Canada was too much like America, I felt (having been in Toronto for two weeks on a business trip), I couldn't stand the Australian accent so I chose England. (At the risk of foreshadowing, I never considered New Zealand. I'm not even sure I knew it existed at that point.)

I sent off the paperwork for a UK visa and hit an unexpected snag: I needed to show a certain income for the past 12 months, and since I couldn't "prove" my income from the B&B, I didn't qualify. I'm not used to being told no--and I don't like it--so I decided to get a regular job for 12 months and apply again. But one thing I was very clear about: It couldn't be in LA. Apart from the weather, I never really liked LA, and while moving to rural Pennsylvania might have seemed crazy to some, I was happy to do it just to get out of LA!

Years before, my brother had moved to Northern California and when he had his first child, my mother followed. I went and stayed with my mom while I looked for a job in San Francisco. My mother and I never got on particularly well and within two weeks, when one of my friends offered me a job in downtown LA, I took it.

I'd worked in downtown for several years and really enjoyed it, so this time I decided to live there, as well -- I rented a loft conversion and walked to work. I took advantage of the subway system and was out most nights, going to shows or restaurants. I didn't save any money, but over those 12 months I really learned to love LA. I also got into a relationship and she was quite surprised at the end of the 12 months when I announced I was moving to the UK.

(My ex-wife was also confused when I stopped at the property in Pennsylvania to say good-bye to her mother. I haven't talked to my ex in many years, but her Mom and I are still in touch.)

Before I left, of course, I said good-bye to all my friends, including the Allens. We had lost touch for many years and, coincidentally, we had both became vegetarian during that time. They even started a vegetarian website so we often met up at a restaurant they were reviewing. True to form they invited me to a restaurant where they were meeting some South African friends, and when I mentioned I was moving to London and didn't have a job yet, they gave me their daughter's phone number because she worked in IT for British Airways.

I arrived in London in May 2008, a date I'll never forget because the Great Financial Crash didn't hit the US until about August, but it started in London -- the financial capital of the world -- in May. It ended up taking me over a year to find a job. I did call the friend's daughter and she didn't help me find a job but she did take me for a vegetarian meal (the whole family was vegetarian) and I have to admit, I fell for her hard. I was 38, she was about 18 months younger, and while you were the prettiest woman I've ever met, she was a very close second. I spent three years trying to get that relationship to work and, to be honest, I felt this was my opportunity for redemption, since I wasn't able to make our relationship work.

Unfortunately, I ultimately failed again. (I am reminded of the adage: "The only common denominator in your dysfunctional relationships is you.")  It was quite bizarre: We had gotten engaged, we'd bought (and renovated) a house and she was trying to get pregnant, and yet I still didn't feel like we were in a relationship. I adored her but it felt like riding a mechanical bull, and I eventually had to get off.

She was Jewish (in case I needed any more parallels with you) and when she was trying to get pregnant, she said she wanted to raise the child Jewish. I didn't really know what that entailed so I spoke to a rabbi, and he suggested I come to the conversion classes because all they talk about it what it means to be Jewish. So for a year I went every Monday night for three hours, plus I learned some basic Hebrew. After the relationship ended, the rabbi asked what I was going to do, and I said I was going to convert. Since that had never been the reason for me attending, he was quite surprised, but I'd always described myself as a reluctant atheist and I really found something spiritual in progressive Judaism. Since I was American, I was already circumcised, and since I was vegetarian, I didn't have to give up pork. All I had to do was go before a Beit Din and the rabbi assured me that the one thing they never asked about was God. I went to the Beit Din and the first thing they asked me was about my relationship with God.

(I said something ridiculous, about the mysteries of the universe and referring to "that" as God. I don't think they bought it but they converted me anyway.) 

Ridiculously, by this point it was about six months since I'd ended the engagement and I was dating another South African Jew. (She wasn't vegetarian but she did keep kosher, so vegetarian wasn't an issue.) After her I dated a Sikh woman who was drop-dead gorgeous, but I knew I had to be with someone Jewish. (My cousin was very disappointed as she said we would have created the cutest babies.)

I converted in December 2011 and by 2013 I was seriously considering making Aliyah. Work had me in northern England during the week (working for the nuclear decommissioning authority, of all places) and I had moved to Reading to save some money. I had several good friends, including one woman who lived on a kibbutz when she was younger, an Italian woman who thought London was a shithole and someone I'd worked with at Honda who had moved to London with his wife and their little girl, Alice, whom I adored. I'd gotten permanent residency and was just a year away from being eligible for UK citizenship. I had every reason so stay but for some reason I wanted to go. I decided to visit Israel in August, partly to see the Perseid meteor shower from the Negev, but mainly to see if I could live there.

I should note that when I was getting ready to start the renovation on the B&B, it was the early days of the Internet and someone suggested I write a blog on the renovation process for marketing purposes. Apart from my fish updates (don't ask) I hadn't done any creative writing since high school, and I really enjoyed it. When I moved to the UK, I started a blog -- this blog -- just to document my experiences, and left it public so my friends could read it. While I was in Mitzpe Ramon for the meteor shower, I got an email from a woman in New Zealand who said she'd read my blog and then felt bad about it because it seemed really personal, so she was apologising for reading it.

If I'd been in the UK, I probably wouldn't have even responded, but there wasn't a lot to do in Mitzpe Ramon during the day (and it was 105F in the shade) so I wrote back, and she wrote back, and next thing we're having video chats, and I found myself falling for this Jewish woman from Scotland who now lived in Wellington with her three kids, aged 8, 10 and 12. In January 2014 I flew out to meet her, leaving just before her eldest daughter's bat mitzvah. I came back in April and then I gave notice at work and booked a one-way flight in September.

(I would have gone earlier but my work required a three-month (!!) notice period, plus I'd applied for British citizenship and was waiting for that. That came through two days before I left the UK, but please don't tell them that.)

I can't explain it, but I moved in with her and the three kids and I immediately felt at home. The NZ website assured me IT was on their skills shortage list and I'd have no trouble getting a work permit -- they lied. It actually took over a year to get my work permit. I had some savings but it was hard. Plus she had a nightmare of an ex-husband: When she applied for child support he sued for full custody, even though he worked outside of the country for eight months of the year! It took almost two years to get through the family court system and when the judge finally told him he couldn't have custody if he wasn't going to be in the country, he moved out of New Zealand altogether and didn't see the kids again for eight years. (And even that visit I organised!)

So I effectively raised these three kids and they are smart and beautiful and for some reason they love me. 😀 In 2016 my partner was diagnosed with breast cancer, but they did surgery and radiation and assured us they got it all. We finally got married in 2018, but in May 2020 -- just as Covid-19 was starting -- she started having trouble breathing. Doctors in hazmat suits ran all the tests and told us the cancer had returned, and now spread to her lungs. It was stage 4 and the five-year-survival rate was less than 25%. She took all the right drugs and three types of chemo but it finally got her in February, the day before her 56th birthday. She'd made it four years and 9 months.

I wish I could explain how magical those ten years were, how much love I felt, and even though she had her demons and we fought about the stupidest things, I loved her so much. If I was still looking for redemption, I found it with her. It's been almost six months and I still feel like I'm learning how to put one foot in front of the other again, but I wouldn't have traded that time with her for anything.

I wish I could tell you what comes next, but if there's anything I've learned in life it's that "Mann Tracht, Un Gott Lacht." I buried my wife in the Jewish section of the cemetery in Wellington and I bought the plot next to her, so I have an idea of where this all ends. It took me a while to realise I am the same age as my mother was when my father passed. Right now, imagining 30 years without her is overwhelming, and I feel like the only thing that will save me are the kids. Thankfully, they are all better than my mother's kids!

So that's my story in a nutshell. I often think about you, which is natural because you were such a big part of my formative years. When I listen to the Beatles' "Across the Universe" I remember you saying the line, "Nothing's gonna change my world" applied to me. I never really understood what you meant by that, but I look back and think: I've become vegetarian, Jewish, British and Kiwi; I've lived in three countries, renovated four homes, opened a bed and breakfast and raised three kids and an iguana; and yet, I'm still me. Maybe I'm a little wiser, a little more experienced, a little less cocksure and a little slower to give advice. I'd like to think my world is much bigger than when we first met, but I can't say that my world has fundamentally changed, and I'm honestly ok with that. Overall, I have to admit, I like myself, so I wouldn't really want to change.

But I also know I have you to thank you for putting me on the right path. I was a scared little 18-year-old, terrified of embarrassing myself. You were the one who gave me the confidence to go out and conquer the world. I knew that if someone like you found me worthy of love, then I would be okay. I look at my kids and watch the small steps they are taking and think how lucky I was to have you. If I had the choice, I wouldn't have changed a thing. In fact, the only thing I would have changed in my life would be to get my late wife a mammogram in 2014. Beyond that, I think my life unfolded exactly how it needed to. In fact, I think about how my wife would have coped without me -- dealing with cancer, three kids, a toxic ex-husband -- and know that I was right where I was supposed to be.

P.S. I read the article in the "Justice Report News" and my heart goes out to you. You've always been on the right side of history, and you should be celebrated as a hero. I don't have any words of wisdom, only know that someone halfway around the world appreciates you.

Drasha on parasha Devarim (slavery)

We are starting Devarim, or Deuteronomy, the fifth book of Torah. It represents Moses’ renewal of the Sinai covenant with the next generation, who would soon enter the Promised Land1. Moses recounts the events of the past 40 years to the Israelites camped on the banks of the Jordan. In fact, "Deuteronomy" is derived from the Greek term for "repetition of the law." 

Today’s portion recounts Moses’ appointment of leaders, the sending of the spies, and the crisis of faith that led to the forty-year stay in the wilderness. Moses reminds the people of their victories over Moab and Ammon and the settlement of their land by the tribes of Reuben and Gad and part of Menashe, and the appointment of Joshua as Moses’ successor.

However, in honour of Mona’s birthday and the anniversary of the UK Slavery Abolition Act of 1833, I’m going to discuss slavery in Torah. The Hebrew term eved, translated as either slave or servant, appears roughly 800 times across the Tanakh. (But unhelpfully, not once in today’s portion.)

I want to tell you that Torah advocated a more progressive, enlightened view of slavery. I want to tell you that slavery at the time was different from the racist and vicious slavery of the Atlantic slave trade. I want to quote Rabbi Shai Held2 who wrote Devarim 15, “radicalizes the requirements laid out in Exodus. Not only is the tenure of indentured servitude given a firm limit of six years3 but the Israelite is enjoined to help the newly freed slave achieve a fresh economic start.” Even while telling the Israelites how to treat slaves, God says to keep this commandment because “you were slaves in the land of Egypt and the Lord your God redeemed you.”

But therein lies the problem: The Torah knew slavery was wrong! Tzvi Freeman writes, “The central event of the Torah narrative is the liberation of an entire nation of slaves from a cruel oppressor. Torah is about liberty, human dignity and respect.”4 Exodus 20 contains the ten commandments and the first one begins, “I am the Lord thy god, who brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.” Yet the very next chapter contains the rules for Hebrew slaves! Slaves are directly referenced as chattel, as property belonging to their masters, and the life of a slave is even given a price: 30 shekels of silver (Exodus 21:32). Slaves could be beaten (Exod 21:20-21), taken as concubines (Gen 16:3-4; Exod 21:8-11) and raped without serious consequence (Lev 19:20-22).

In Genesis 16, Hagar, Sarai’s maidservant and the mother of Ishmael, was an Egyptian slave. Sarai tells Abram, “Consort with my maid; perhaps I shall have a child through her.” When Hagar does become pregnant, Sarai complains and Abram responds, “Your maid is in your hands. Deal with her as you think right.” Sarai treated Hagar so harshly that she ran away, but an angel convinced her to return. After Sarah gives birth to Isaac she tells Abraham, “Cast out that slave-woman and her son, for the son of that slave shall not share in the inheritance with my son Isaac.”

According to Jonathan Schorsch5, Hebrew slavery was prohibited during the Rabbinic era for as long as the Temple in Jerusalem is defunct. Maimonides proposed that a non-Jewish slave should be offered conversion and, if accepted, would then be released because Hebrew slaves were not permissible. If the slave did not accept conversion, the Jewish slave owner should sell the slave to non-Jews.6 It is not clear if this convention was ever adopted, but in order to fulfill three of Maimonides’ 613 mitzvot, you will first need to own a slave!

By 1783, an anti-slavery movement had begun in Britain. Josiah Wedgewood – of pottery fame – designed a cameo that depicts a kneeling black man in chains with his hands raised to the heavens inscribed with the phrase "Am I not a man and a brother?" which became quite a popular symbol of abolishionists. In 1807, the UK made the slave trade illegal; slaves could still be owned but no longer sold or transported. Initially, a fine of £100 was applied for every slave found aboard a British ship; however, this led to slaves being thrown overboard whenever a Royal Navy ship approached. In 1827, participation in the slave trade was punishable by death.

In 1804, a slave revolt in Haiti ended with the country’s independence from France. In 1823, the Demerara rebellion in British Guiana saw up to 12,000 slaves revolt. In 1831, the Christmas Rebellion in Jamaica saw 60,000 slaves rise up. By 1832, the profitability of the sugar economy in the British Caribbean was declining and a reform of the House of Commons reduced the influence of wealthy slaveholders, setting the stage for the UK Slavery Abolition Act of 1833.

However, it did not take effect for an entire year, and even then only children under the age of six were emancipated. “Slaves” were rebranded “unpaid apprentices” and bonded to their former owner for four to six years. Approximately 800,000 enslaved Africans were affected, but many parts of the Empire were excluded. It would be another 100 years before the last two British territories, Bahrain and Nigeria, abolished slavery.

As Mona made me aware, the British government did make reparations for slavery: The government borrowed 20 million pounds – three-quarters of which was from Nathan Rothschild and Moses Montefiore7 – which was used to pay the owners of registered slaves. In British Guiana, the average compensation was £50 per slave, equivalent to £7,000 today. The slaves themselves did not receive any form of compensation. (Some say the loan from Rothschild and Montefiore enabled this emancipation8, but it is also possible they were just profiting from it.)

As you know, governments finance debt by issuing bonds and then paying interest on that bond every year. Government debt tends to get bundled together, so it’s hard to track a specific loan, but in 2015, the total redemption value of the debt bundle that contained the Slavery Abolition Act loan reached £218 million pounds. For 180 years, British citizens were still paying reparations to slave owners.

And of course, the US continued its slave trade until the Civil War, which was anything but civil. In August 1862, Abraham Lincoln stated: "If I could save the Union without freeing any slaves I would do it.” In 1863, Lincoln issued his “emancipation proclamation” which declared "that all persons held as slaves within the rebellious states shall be then, thenceforward, and forever free." As my ninth-grade history teacher pointed out, by singling out the rebellious states, Lincoln freed all the slaves he couldn’t free (i.e. he had no control over them) and didn’t free any of the slaves he could free (as there were still slave States aligned with the North).

It wasn’t until 1865 that the 13th amendment forbid slavery, but the institutional racism it created still defines America. In 2022, the Bureau of Labor Statistics reported that, on average, White individuals have $80,040 in savings, compared to $13,370 for Black individuals. In 2023, home ownership among whites was 72.4%, blacks were 44.7%. In 2022, the infant mortality rate for Black Americans was 2.4 times the rate for whites. 35% of the US population hold a university degree but only 26% of Blacks do. Today, the US government continues to honour individuals who waged an insurrection for the right to keep slaves.

We haven’t abolished slavery so much as abolished the word “slavery.” Today, it goes by terms like human trafficking, forced labour, debt bondage, forced marriage and domestic servitude. In the States, the 13th Amendment banned slavery and involuntary servitude "except as punishment for a crime." In California in 2018, 2,500 incarcerated workers fought dangerous wildfires for $1 per hour. Prison labour is rife in the UK, Australia and China. In India, people are used as security against a loan, and even when they die the debts are passed down to relatives. Undocumented immigrants are taken advantage of across the world. In Qatar, there were over 6,500 recorded migrant deaths during the construction of the stadiums for the FIFA 2022 World Cup. Sexual slavery is prevalent in Eastern Europe and Southeast Asia. 

In 2022, it was estimated 49.6 million people live in modern slavery, roughly a quarter of them children. This includes child trafficking, child soldiers, child marriage and child domestic slavery.9 In the United States between 2002 and 2017, over 200,000 minors were legally married, primarily to adults, with the youngest being only 10 years old.

Coming back to Torah, Tzvi Freeman offers this defense: “The Torah effects change not by imposing an exogenous order, but by revealing the inner, hidden order. The Torah must deal with the world as it is [while] inspiring us with its vision, pulling us into the future.”10 At a time when slaves were considered less than human, Torah reminds us – repeatedly – that we were once slaves and admonishes us to do better. Today, as the problem of slavery has only become worse, it still admonishes us to do better.

I will finish with the lyrics from a song written by Doug Mishkin on his Celebrate Passover album.

Once we were strangers in Egypt

Our people and our land were apart

But when Moses stood before that troubled sea

He made those waters part  

Somewhere tonight lives a free man

Somewhere else freedom’s just a song of the heart

We must find the river flowing between them

And make those waters part

Troubled seas rising around us

Sometimes the Promised Land seems hidden from view

So we retell these stories, that’s how we start

To make those waters part

For more information, including ways you can help, please visit www.endslaverynow.org and https://truah.org/

1.  https://rabbisacks.org/covenant-conversation-family-edition/devarim/the-teacher-as-hero/

2.  https://hadar.org/torah-tefillah/resources/opening-our-hearts-and-our-hands

3.  Exodus 20:2; Deuteronomy 15:12

4.  https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/305549/jewish/Torah-Slavery-and-the-Jews.htm

5.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jewish_views_on_slavery

6.  Mishneh Torah, Sefer Kinyan 5:8:14

7.  https://www.jstor.org/stable/45299245

8.  https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/305549/jewish/Torah-Slavery-and-the-Jews.htm

9.  Global Estimates of Modern Slavery: Forced Labour and Forced Marriage, Geneva, September 2022

10.  https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/305549/jewish/Torah-Slavery-and-the-Jews.htm