Grief and gravestones

I have two counsellors. One I see free through my local GP, the other sees me for free through the hospice that was looking after my wife. When she passed away, they told me they would still look after me, and they have.

I do not like the first counsellor because she says things like, "The first year is the hardest." While I'm sure she's right, part of me feels like that is letting go, and I don't want to let go. I want to grab on to whatever I can with both hands and never let go. Rationally, I know that will not make me happy, but I also feel like nothing will make me happy, so it doesn't matter. 

The second counsellor doesn't talk about the future, doesn't try to make me feel better, she just sits there in that space and agrees that it's shit. And really, that's what I need: For an hour I don't have to worry about work or the kids or everything I need to take care, I can just recognise that it really is shit. (And grossly unfair.)

A friend shared this with me:

Somehow, I find it very comforting to know that the grief, the loss, doesn't diminish. I'll always have a hole in my heart the size and shape of my late wife. I want to always remember that beautiful smile, and how she made me feel. When I put up the sukkah this year, all I could think about was how happy building a sukkah made her, and how that made it so worthwhile. Now I put it up because I know she would be disappointed if I didn't.

One of the kids called me at 4:30am the other day. She was at the airport and nervous about the flight and just wanted to talk, and that's when I realised I'm now the Mom, too. There wasn't anything I could do; my job was to simply listen and tell her what she needed to hear. I must have done ok because she got on the flight. (I got another call at 2am the next day because they lost her luggage...)

In Jewish tradition, mourning lasts for one year, and at the end of the year you erect a headstone. Although she passed on 18 February, we're going to erect the headstone on 5 February to accommodate everyone. The company that makes memorials suggested we order about three months in advance, which is 5 November. That means the kids and I need to start thinking about the design now.

One thing is clear to me: I bought the plot next to my wife, and so I want a double-wide headstone that will eventually contain both of our names. The reason is simple: She took my name when we got married. I did not ask her to -- in fact, I discouraged it -- but she insisted. I even confirmed with her just before she died that she wanted my name on her headstone and she said yes without hesitation. Her love and loyalty knew no end, and so it's important to me to give her the same commitment, even in death.