I know I've been quiet for the past 8 months, because things have been a bit crazy, and it was too difficult to write about them. However, all is good in kiwi-land, so here's a recap of the year:
In January, we moved from Kapiti, an hour from Wellington, to Karori, a leafy suburb 10 minutes from central Wellington. Part of the reason for the move was that the girls' dad was sending them to a private school an hour away, and the commute was taking its toll. From the new house it was a 10-minute walk. They loved it, which is probably why their dad, six weeks after enrolling them, announced he could "no longer afford" it, and we had to move them to the local public school. Fortunately the other reason we moved was because my partner anticipated this, and wanted to be in zone for good public schools.
In February we moved into the new house, and it promptly fell apart. Seriously, the garage door fell off, the plumbing backed up three times, the electrics needed to be replaced, the stove stopped working; the attic fan started making a racket; we had builders coming and going constantly. The owner had told us he was going to do "some painting" but we were a bit shocked to find the entire house wrapped in scaffolding for 6 weeks! (They were painting the roof, which apparently is a thing in New Zealand.) The cat loved it, as she somehow figured out a way to get in and out through the second floor window.
Also in February, two days after we moved in, our international student moved in as well. I can't tell you how lucky we got--she is pleasant, helpful and studious, with a wry sense of humour. Coming from China, she was not happy to find that not only were we (mostly) vegetarian, gluten-free and we didn't want any pork or shellfish products in the house. That's all of her comfort food gone! Her main complaint was about sandwiches, but she realised early on that the other kids considered her lucky that she could have sandwiches.
In March my partner went to work, and in April she changed jobs. After 15 years of being a homemaker, she was certain nobody would hire her. She had two interviews and when she was offered the first job, at a high school, she accepted straight away. Then she was offered the second job, which was at a university, walking distance from home, and paid more. She took all of 3 seconds to submit her resignation to the high school. (That's not true; she actually agonised over it for days, which is even sillier.) So she went to work leaving me (me!) as Mr. Mom! In my life's trajectory, I certainly never saw that coming. It was certainly a crash course in child minding, and I cringed every time I heard myself saying, "Wait 'til your mother gets home!"
Meanwhile, I was starting to get desperate about the job hunt. I'd only had a handful of interviews because nobody would even bother talking to someone who doesn't have a work permit, even though it is very easy (and free!) to sponsor someone in NZ. My tourist visa expired in May and I wasn't sure what to do. Fortunately my partner realised that, while they do require 12 months of co-habitation to consider residency, they would give me a temporary work permit to reach 12 months! I applied in May and received it in June, valid until December. Unfortunately, I quickly found that a 6-month work visa is as useful as a chocolate teapot.
In April, I co-managed the passover dinner at the synagogue for about 50 people, including the US ambassador to New Zealand. It was originally billed as "organising" but then quickly morphed into "catering." Essentially what happened is that person who has managed it for donkey's years said she was going to be out of the country this year, and so all of the people who helped her every year decided to take a holiday, as well! So not only were we scrambling to find people to help, but I was home wrapping 50 fish fillets in tin foil, and the kids were chopping 50 tomatoes to make a salad. It was crazy but also a lot of fun, and we got a lot of compliments afterwards.
At the end of April the girls started at the public school, which was rocky at first because the other kids already had their social cliques. After a week it had started to get better when their dad returned and drove it off the rails. He's always tried to undermine the children's relationship with their mother, but thankfully only the eldest was really affected--the younger two were upset by his nonsense, of course, but they seemed to understand it was his nonsense and they left it at the door. The eldest, unfortunately, always bore the brunt of it and when her dad visited, she was always left emotionally scarred.
On this particular visit, he casually forgot he was the one that let them start at one school and then forced them to change. He blamed their mother and told them if they lived with him, they could go back to their old schools. On Mother's Day, ironically enough, he returned the kids in such a state of upset that we had to cancel all of our plans and send them to bed early. That's when the 14-year-old decided to run away.
I say "run away" but her dad reported she was with him a few hours later. In addition, she later told the lawyer how scared she was waiting for the train on her own. However, I knew (because I'd been to the train station twice) that the trains weren't running that evening; it was bus replacement, so my belief is that she contacted her dad and he came and picked her up, then told her to lie about it. It is not the first time he has asked her to lie--after the separation, my partner had changed all the locks, and he told the eldest (who was ten at the time) to steal a key for him. Fortunately she was caught in the act.
Anyway, now that she was at her dad's, he refused to return her. According to the lawyer, "he retained her beyond the terms of the custody agreement." When you separate in NZ (and presumably elsewhere), you need to file a private custody agreement or the court will issue a parenting order. In this case, with the dad out of the country most of the time, the custody agreement was straightforward: "In their mom's care at all times except as agreed by both parents." So we called the police who told us they can't enforce a custody agreement, only a parenting order! So what, pray tell, is the point of requiring a private custody agreement if nobody will enforce it? Unfortunately we've come across a lot of nonsense like that in NZ family law.
So the next two months were completely tied up in the court and with lawyers and even a court-appointed psychologist to determine what was in the child's best interest. In the end, however, they completely ignored what was in the child's best interest and fell back on the excuse that a 14-year-old can "vote with her feet" and therefore she could stay wherever she liked. In their defence, I'm sure they deal with so many abused and neglected children, that a privileged girl was not on their priority list. Even the psychologist, who was quite senior and came highly recommended, didn't even bother to follow up with the school counsellor who described their dad as a sociopath! So it is now December and we're actually no closer to a resolution than we were in May! We do know the eldest, since she's been in her dad's "care," has missed almost 25% of school and, despite being incredibly bright, got no awards this year. (She is usually on the podium at prizegiving.) She has alienated herself from her friends and the synagogue, is not participating in any sports or music, and has pretty much wasted the entire year. At 14 this is not only devastating to her self-esteem, but next year she starts taking the NCEA exams, which determines her university rankings, and this year was meant to prepare her for that. So no matter what the outcome, we know next year will be very difficult for her, and it's likely this has already limited her university options.
In June, a university friend of my partner arrived from the UK, about 15 years after she promised she would visit. After her visit, she said if she had visited 15 years ago, she would never have left. She rented a mini-van that had been converted into a sleeper, complete with sink and stove, and drove the length and breadth of the north island, visiting the Coromandel, learning to dive in Poor Knight's Island (one of the best dive sites in the world), soaking the hot springs and generally having an incredible time whilst I sat at home futilely trying to find a job. One of the kids went to winter camp (yes, in June!) near Auckland so the rest of us all piled into the mini-van and drove the ten hours to Auckland, spent a few days, then flew home. I actually hated Auckland; it reminded me of Los Angeles. Wellington is much nicer.
July and August were quiet, except for the chattering of our teeth. It doesn't get particularly cold in Wellington -- with lows of 5C / 40F -- but the houses are so badly built that the wind just cuts right through them. We were watching every penny* and so the heater was on as little as possible, and we all dressed in three layers. The worst was downstairs--when the owners had extended the property, they neglected to include any heating in the new bedrooms at all! We put in electric radiators but they cost a fortune to run, and the only way they can keep a room warm is if they stay on all the time, which we forbid.
Things got very exciting in October. The middle child was turning 13, and it was her bat mitzvah. She'd been practicing for a year, although at the beginning of the year she was very lackadaisical and we were very concerned the service would be a disaster. But as the date approached she knuckled down and did an incredible job. She even asked me (well, demanded really) to give a speech, and I got a little emotional on the bimah. However, no matter how beautifully she did or how incredibly her mom managed it on a shoestring budget, the one thing that will probably stick with her the rest of her life is that her dad chose not to attend.
Of course we also had to celebrate her birthday, and the youngest child's birthday was two weeks after that. Their grandmother had come from the UK for a month, so we got to know each other quite well. (I'd already met her once in the UK, plus over skype many times.) She is a dear woman and the kids loved having her around. We also did Halloween with our American friends. While it's not as big as America, it's more popular than in the UK, and the kids got quite a few lollies, plus a tin of jam and tuna. (Seriously, someone had run out of candy and started emptying their pantry!) Our international student carved her first pumpkin and we watched "The Nightmare Before Christmas," which is an annual tradition with me.
In November the cat celebrated one year since the vet said she would die within six weeks. She is still in renal failure and sleeps most of the day, but then she's a cat so it's hard to tell. I turned 46 and in fact have two friends with birthdays on the same week, so we went together to see James Bond film. (We called it a boys' night out, even though we went at 11am.)
In December, the synagogue was organising a weekend camping trip which was abruptly cancelled the week before due to a lack of registrations. I knew one of the organisers was gutted because she'd put so much time and effort into it, so I suggested we have a "mini-camp" at the synagogue, including a sleepover. You would have thought I would have learned my lesson in April not to raise my hand, but next thing I knew I was in charge! We had about 50 people for lunch, 25 people for dinner, and 10 kids for the sleepover. It was a great success and as no good deed goes unpunished, I've been asked to organise next year's Purim celebration! (I'm suggesting a cross-dressing musical version. If that doesn't get me out of it, nothing will.)
As the school year wound up, and our international student prepared to go back to China on December 10, she asked us to put up a Christmas tree! The kids have always had a tree, so this wasn't an issue, it was just putting one up right in the middle of Hannukah! Fortunately our student has decided to continue her studies next year, so she'll be back in two months. She's such a pleasure to have, we're very fortunate.
And last but not least, remember that my work permit expired in December? I applied for residency in September, 12 months after I arrived, and in November I was told by immigration that I would be denied because I did not have any proof of living with my partner in Kapiti! I had submitted references from a dozen people, but that was not considered 'official evidence.' I panicked, but I contacted an immigration consultant who reassured me it would be fine. I also went through an old pile of paperwork and miraculously found a holiday card a friend in the States had mailed to me in Kapiti last November! I'd kept the envelope because it had her address and I planned to write a thank-you letter, but the envelope disappeared into a drawer and I forgot all about it. Because the cancellation had a date stamp, it was considered 'official evidence' and I was approved three days before I had to leave the country! Hurrah! So I am now a NZ resident, which means I no longer have to worry about work permits. Too bad Wellington completely shuts down for December and January.
* NZ has actually gotten rid of the penny, and the nickel as well, so when you buy in cash the amount if rounded to the nearest ten cents.
