True love

Having had love find me three times in my life, this idea of looking for it is rather foreign to me. And in my long-standing tradition of making an absolute mess of what other people do naturally, this dating thing is no exception.

So here's my problem(s):

- First, it's very easy for me to talk to people online.  I've been doing it since I was 12, and it's quite natual.  In addition, there don't appear to be too many men online who can string together two sentences, so I get a lot of responses just because the competition is so weak.  That means it's very easy for me to get overwhelmed, and at one point I was talking to 30 women!

- Second, I have no idea what I'm doing, so I vaccilate from strategy to strategy.  At one point I was trying to get a woman's entire life history before meeting, only to find there was no spark.  So then I tried to meet them as quickly as possible, only to find that meeting them actually shuts down the conversation.  (I'm not clear why, but people are definitely more open before meeting, and after they just want to talk about work and weather.)  I haven't found a good medium yet.

- Third, I really am treating this like a work project, rather than something to be enjoyed.  Last weekend I had five dates!  Between Friday night and Sunday ngiht I spent 22 hours with dates, four of whom I was meeting for the first time.  Not only was it ridiculous, but it was quite dangerous -- twice I had to stand around the train station pretending to leave, only to emerge a few minutes later to meet the next date.  (I can't actually believe I didn't get caught.)

- Fourth, after we meet, I don't know what to do.  As I've said, all the women I've met have been absolutely lovely, but of course with most there's no spark.  Does that mean I shouldn't see them again, or I should see them again to see if anything develops, or let them make the call?  I don't know.

- Fifth, when there are sparks, I don't know what to do, either!  I don't trust myself, and worry I may just be pursuing something sexual rather than meaningful.  I have no idea how to differentiate the two, other than to throw myself into the relationship and see how I feel in a month.  Is that appropriate?  I don't know.

- And sixth, even though it's been a year now, the fact is I'm not over Jess, and I know that colors everything.  Of course, if I don't press forward, I'm never going to get over her, so it's not an excuse to shy away, it's just one more thing adding to the confusion.

I keep telling myself this takes time, and some people spend years at it, so expecting to find something in two months is not reasonable or helpful.  However, it would very much help if I knew what I was looking for.  I guess as the adage goes, I'll know it when I see it...