Thursday, December 31, 2009

Stranger in a strang(ish) land

I love being in England, though I'd be hard-pressed to tell you why. After all, it's crowded, expensive, cold, and wet. But I've been thinking about this and realized, while I do love the history and architecture, the Thames, and even the accents, what really attracted me is its...foreignness.

Taken individually, the differences between American and English culture are petty, often more annoying than interesting. But collectively, they constantly challenge my assumptions, my experiences, and my point of view. I could cite hundreds of examples, but that wouldn't help you understand how I feel at the end of each day, knowing I've learned something new, or just recognized that what I thought of as a constant was just a convention.

But what I really feel at the end of the day is privileged, and lucky, to be living here, and am looking forward to everything the new year brings. (And I expect it to bring a great many things.)

Jessica is taking me to Wales for the new year (a steam train through Snowdonia--how cool is that?) but I want to wish everyone a safe and happy new year!

Saturday, December 26, 2009

2009 wrap-up

I started 2009 unemployed, stone broke, and practically homeless—I was renting a flat while the owner was in Africa, and she was due back January 15. My savings were gone, and I was taking cash advances on my credit cards, before finally taking some money out of my 401k. And the news about the “credit crunch”—and the job market—was getting worse every day.

It was a vicious circle, made even worse by the fact that I didn't even recognize it. I mean, I still had a place to live, I wasn't going hungry, I had a gorgeous girlfriend, and almost every morning I bundled up and walked through a private park and along the river Thames to my gym. It seemed idyllic, but in between those moments I was desperate and depressed, and I didn't even realize it until I could no longer cope with anything.

Of course, that happened in March, in the middle of a trip to Israel with Jessica's family for a wedding. Not surprisingly, we broke up, although it wasn't long before we were back together. (To be honest, meeting Jess felt so much like...if not fate, then inevitability...that I'm not surprised we're still together, and even stronger for the experience.)

In April, after much searching, I found a decent one-bed flat in Ealing, but because I was unemployed the landlord demanded six months up front, which took – almost to the penny – my remaining funds. So I was no longer homeless, but still unemployed and broke.

Then the gods decided I had enough, and in May I got a job with a small consulting firm. Actually, small may be an overstatement—they've been in business for six years, and I was employee #9. They didn't even have an office—all of their employees worked from home. A few years ago I would have jumped at the chance, but being in England, living alone, and not knowing many people, I'd been looking forward to going to an office. Instead, I spent the days sitting on my sofa with my laptop, which felt exactly the same as when I was unemployed, and didn't do anything to help my depression.

In July, I finally sought help, and have been seeing a therapist to work through a lot of old issues (divorce, anyone?) and regain my perspective. It has been amazingly therapeutic, and I am once again excited about the future, enjoying the present, and I have no regrets about the past. (I am also learning how to deal with my family, and love them as much as they love me.)

In October, British Airways responded to the recession by asking all of its employees to take a month off without pay. Jessica went to Namibia, which she'd always wanted to see, but of course I couldn't get the time off, so instead I took weekend trips to Georgia and California. (It's a long way to go for a weekend, but thanks to Jessica I can fly standby for very little.) I also visited Edinburgh for about an hour, and Jessica is taking me to Wales for New Year's.

In December, Jess and I agreed to move in together, but since we both have one-bedroom flats, we are looking for some place a little larger, a little closer to her work, and (I hope) something along the river. We've already seen one place we both liked, so this may happen pretty quickly.

I'm not sure if 2009 was the year I accomplished nothing, or the year I learned everything. Perhaps its because I turned 40, perhaps its because I hit bottom and came back, perhaps its because living in England forces me to challenge all of my assumptions every single day. Whatever the reason, I am joyful, and I want to wish you the same, and hope I will see many of you in the new year. (My door is always open.) In the meantime, count your blessings, love each other, and above all, have fun.

Happy holidays!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Telly

You may think of British television in terms of Fawlty Towers, the Saint, and Doctor Who, but you may not realize that all of these programs originally came from the UK: American Idol (X Factor), The Apprentice, Dancing With the Stars (Strictly Come Dancing), Who Wants To Be a Millionaire, Deal or No Deal, Weakest Link, Whose Line Is It Anyway, Big Brother, Antiques Roadshow, The Office, Trading Spaces (Changing Rooms), Supernanny, Survivor, Wife Swap, Hell's Kitchen, Kitchen Nightmares, and Meerkat Manor (the voiceover is changed to an American accent--really!).

In fact, British exports are at an all-time high, so expect to see these shows sometime soon. (You may have already seen some of these; I haven't been keeping up with American television.)

  • Come Dine With Me - Four individuals take turns hosting a dinner party, with the guests secretly rating each other. The highest score wins £1,000.
  • Cast Offs - A "scripted reality show" (or "mockumentary") about 6 disabled people on a deserted island: A blind man, a deaf woman, a paraplegic, a dwarf, a woman with cherubism, and someone with a thyroid condition (or something).
  • Cash in the Attic - People sell household items at auction in order to splash out on concert tickets or new golf clubs.
  • Peep Show - a comedy based on the unspoken thoughts of the two main characters.
  • Argumental - two people argue for and against random stuff, like nuclear power and cotton sheets.
  • The World's Strictest Parents - unruly middle-class teenagers are sent abroad to live with strict families in undeveloped countries.
  • How To Look Good Naked - middle-age women agree to be photographed in the buff, and those pictures are displayed in prominent public areas.
  • Being Human - a vampire, a werewolf, and a ghose live together in a flat. (Oddly, this is a serious drama.)
  • Home and Away - a British family is sent to Australia for a week, where they look at different properties and meet several potential employers, and then have to choose to stay or move.
  • Springwatch - 2 hours a night for 3 weeks, in prime time and on a major channel, hidden cameras capture local wildlife
  • River Cottage - chef Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall raises his own animals and vegetables, inviting guests to harvest the food and prepare a large meal.
  • QI - A quiz show where points are awarded for answers that are 'quite interesting' and deducted for answers that are not.
  • Prime Minister Questions - Members of Parliament ask questions, and the Prime Minister gives unrelated answers.
  • Bargain Hunt - Two teams are given £300 to spend on antiques, which are then sold at auction and the winning team keeps the difference. (Usually it's less than a tenner.)
  • House Swap - Two families looking to move to different areas are shown each other's homes, and then decide if they want to swap.
  • Countdown - Two contestants are given a series of letters and 30 seconds to come up with as many words as they can. (Bonus points for the longest word.)
  • Don't Tell the Bride - a couple are given £5,000 to plan their dream wedding, but the groom has to make every decision with no input from the bride.
  • Homes Under the Hammer - houses bought at auction, sight-unseen, are evaluated.
  • Heir Hunters - a team of PIs track down heirs to unclaimed estates (for a portion of the award).
  • How Clean Is Your House - Two women clean the dirtiest homes in the country, then make the owners promise not to let it get that bad again.
  • Take Away My Takeaway - Teenagers outside fast food restaurants are taken to see where the food comes from.
  • Dragon's Den - Would-be entrepreneurs pitch to 5 venture capitalists, trying to get them to invest £50,000 - 250,000 in their business.
  • Don't Get Screwed - A consumer protections show whose tagline is "We take customer service to a new low, to show you your rights."
  • Mock the Week, Have I Got News For You, 9 out of 10 Cats, and Never Mind the Buzzcocks - game shows based on current events, which are then syndicated and re-broadcast years later, long after the material is relevant).

This week, I've been enjoying The Queen (a 5-part dramatization about...uh....the Queen), Life (a 10-part documentary about...uh...life), and Toy Stories (a 6-part series using toys from the 70s in large-scale applications, such as a full-size Lego house, a 3 1/2 mile slot-car race track, and a 37-mile electric train track).

Friday, November 13, 2009

On turning 40

It's a grey and dreary (ie, typical) day in London, perfect for contemplating my latest trip around the sun. (That, and my work is both frustrating and tedious, a deadly combination.) I'm drinking a cup of tea and eating a slice of birthday apple streudel--an inside joke, and a subtle reminder of how clever Jessica is; she has a long memory and a dry sense of humor. She also gave me a hot water bottle, a scarf, and a bread maker, which were all well and truly appreciated, although a less charitable person might note how practical these gifts are. (For her birthday, I may get her some athritis rub, warm underwear, and a vacuum cleaner.)

She also tried to organize a surprise trip to Norway to see the northern lights, but I went to see my family instead (surprise!), so that had to be postponed until January. She may hate working for British Airways, but I certainly appreciate it.

So I've been thinking about my life, and how tightly I controlled everything in it. I did some good things over the years, and I certainly stretched myself, but everything was strictly on my terms, and if anyone challenged that, I left -- jobs, friends, family, it didn't matter. After the divorce, I took the opposite approach: Just like I got rid of the few possessions that remained mine, moving to England was my way of getting rid of the few things that were still under my control. It was an extreme (and probably irrational) move, but I've always seen the world in black-and-white. Perhaps its time I began to appreciate grey. (Which would be perfect for an English winter...)

So I've been learning to accept things that I can't control and, ironically, the more control I give up, the more content and less anxious I am, and the happier Jessica is with me. As you may recall, last February we tried moving in together, but when that fell apart (because of the landlord, not us) I wasn't able to deal with it and I had my little breakdown, resulting in us breaking up. (Granted, it was only for a day, but it was a very long day.) Now that I've been settled for a while, we're going to try again, and last week we started looking at some areas in north London. (Totteridge was very nice, but I refuse to live in a place called 'Cockfosters.')

So this year hasn't been particularly productive, I haven't done anything crazy, it was in no way remarkable--except, perhaps, it may be when I finally grew up.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Looking forward

I've been in London for a year now, and am starting to see some of the annual events come around again--Wimbledon, Kenwood House concerts, the Shoreditch festival, Hyde Park Calling, BBC Proms, etc.--but I realized I don't have anything to look forward to.

That is, when I was in downtown Los Angeles for a year, there were many things I looked forward to -- the farmers' market on Friday, the downtown art walk on the second Thursday, Cal Plaza in the summer. If I took the subway in the evening -- to see a movie or play on the west side -- I treated myself to a chile relleno burrito and agua de jamaica at Ye Olde Taco House; if I went to Union Station, I stopped at Olvera Street for taquitos de papa. I spent many hours at Disney Hall, the Ahmanson Theater, and McCabe's guitar shop.

I've done so many things in London, but there's no routine, no structure, no rhythm to my life here. There's not even anything on television that I look forward to. (I do watch the Daily Show just to keep up on American politics.) I think part of the problem is the weather--life is more compressed in LA, whereas here everything is tied to the seasons--and part of the problem is choice; there is just so much more to do in London. But more than either of those, I think the problem is I've been working so hard to 'experience' London, I really haven't spent any time 'living' in London.

These emails stopped being a travelogue long ago, focusing on my own issues and using London only as a backdrop, a bit part in a bit play. So to that end, I think I should stop writing for a little while, and focus my energies on enjoying the terribly brief summer here. And who knows, when the trees are bare, the days are six hours long, I'm wearing five layers and still freezing, and all anyone talks about is taking a holiday to Mauritius to see the sun, maybe I'll have something new to say. (And I will definitely be looking forward to the spring lambs and the bluebells.)

In the meantime, I'm still available for private emails, suggestions, jokes, etc. You can even reach me via a US number -- (678) 389-9123. I'll be back in California in September, though I don't know if I'll have time to see anyone. And if you're going to be in London, you're welcome to crash at my flat.

Have a great summer!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Citizen of the world

I knew I was ignorant, but this is embarrassing: Given a blank map, I could only identify 64 countries, out of 194! Plus I didn't know Greenland was part of Denmark, I thought Bangladesh and Bahrain were cities, and I thought Qatar was an airline. (In my defense, I did overlook a few that I should have gotten, such as Finland, Lebanon, Kuwait, Ethiopia, Indonesia, Nepal, and the Philippines. And yes, I know I mis-label Malaysia and Swaziland, but I was close.)
If I'm going to be a world citizen, I need to do some more studying. So I'm setting myself a goal that this time next month, I should be able to identify twice as many. Hopefully this will go better than my Italian studies.
If you want to take your own test, get a blank map here. (If you want to cheat, you can get a list of countries here. Answers are here.)

P.S. Hopefully I won't cause an international incident if I recognize Taiwan as well.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Anniversary

It was with no small amount of irony that I disembarked from a British Airways flight this morning, exactly one year to the day after I moved here. The difference, of course, was that now I had a home, a job, friends, and Jessica. I didn't feel stressed or confused, and I wasn't lugging everything I owned in three large suitcases. I just had a small carry-on after spending the weekend with my aunt and uncle in Georgia.

Looking through my diary from a year ago, my first month is filled with scintillating entries such as: Buy voltage converter, unlock cell phone, and open bank account. There was nothing romantic, hopeful, or even whimsical. (There was one entry that read, “Explore Notting Hill/Camden,” but even that was just a practical task in search of permanent housing.) Reading it, one would think I moved here because I was bored.

But the reality is that I came here to explore, to learn, and to have fun. I could have stayed in Los Angeles and been comfortable and successful, but that wasn't enough. I wanted to stretch myself, and that is exactly what I've done. I had a lot of lessons to learn, but now that I've achieved the basics, I feel like I can finally get started. The UK is a very small place, but the whole world is practically within my grasp. I just need to stretch a little more.

And so, getting off the plane this morning, I thought to myself: It's good to be home.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

The high cost of failure

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: My life is blessed. It may not be ideal, of course, but everything always seems to work out for the best. For example, I did not want to commit to an apartment until I found a job (because I was worried about a long commute), but just after I signed a lease, I found a job that lets me work from home. I'd also stopped looking for a "good" job, and was willing to take any job, when I found this practically ideal job. But the most incredible thing of all is that just last month, I learned that to renew my UK work permit next May, I would need to prove my income for the previous 12 months. That meant I needed to be employed May 1 or I was going to get booted out of the UK next year. I started this job April 27.

But even though these things work out, that doesn't mean they are easy, and sometimes they leave scars. A year ago, I was so sure of myself I was willing to change continents, alone and unemployed. I met an amazing woman, experienced a whole new city, and really learned a whole new way of life. I felt invincible, my life was wide open, and everything seemed possible.

Today, though, despite achieving more than I'd hoped for, I feel much smaller. The possibilities have closed in, and I am feeling all my years, my fears, and my failures. I think the problem is, I moved to England to find myself, and I don't like what I found.

But the reality is that I'm still learning, and still growing. Off the top of my head, I can count a dozen experiences I would have never even known about had I not moved here and met Jessica, including bluebells (photo attached). Perhaps the real problem is that I'm looking at myself through a new context -- moving from a small pond to a big pond, as it were, and finding I'm not as big a fish as I'd imagined.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

11 months

I left my job in LA on 24 May, and will start my new job on 28 April. In 11 months I could have written a book, travelled the world, lost 30 pounds, learned to play the guitar, gotten a teaching certification, learned Italian, taken an art class, given 4 pints of blood, started my own business, or taken a minimum wage job and earned £10,000. Instead, I spent at least 1,000 hours looking for a job.

When I first arrived in London, I was confident I'd find a job quickly, so I posted my CV on the job boards and waited for recruiters to call. And call they did--I have seven interviews in the first two months, but I was so cocky that I was being very selective, and they could tell. (Feedback from one of my interviews was that I did not seem to be the type of person who would "pitch in and contribute as needed.") Then in August the credit crunch hit and I didn't get a single phone call the entire month. I re-evaluated my options, and considered taking a minimum wage job, but decided I would be better off working full-time finding a programming position. Thus began the process that, five months later, would result in severe depression and a near breakdown.

Of course, at the time, I thought the credit crunch was a blip on the financial radar, not the start of a global depression. So each morning would begin with perusing the job boards -- of which there are many -- and applying to various openings. (In the beginning, I was quite selective, but near the end I was applying to just about everything, with equal results.) In six hours I could go through a hundred listings, of which five might be appropriate, and I was lucky if one person called me back. Usually I never heard back from anyone. I had only six interviews over the next seven months, and most of those were not a result of my applying to positions, but of recruiters finding my CV online. Occasionally, friends would give me contacts in London, only to find their company was in the process of layoffs, or they had just been laid off themselves. (This actually happened five times, and I was afraid to call anyone else.)

It was frustrating, depressing, degrading, and although I kept telling myself it wasn't my fault, the constant clutch of failure was oppressive and inescapable. If I took any time off to do something fun, I criticized myself for not working harder on finding a job. Much of the frustration, of course, was the amorphous nature of the task: Although the goal was clear enough, I had no idea what steps, or timing, or circumstances were necessary. As I result, I probably worked harder finding a job than I've ever worked at a job. (And it was unpaid.)

In February, I got a call from the most annoying recruiter I've ever met. While I appreciated his diligence -- which was in marked contrast to most of the recuiters I'd dealt with -- he would call me two or three times a day just to let me know he had no updates. That first call, however, while on a tube to Ruislip to check out a flat, he told me about a small consulting firm building database systems for utility companies (which weren't affected by the depression). He set up a two-hour phone interview with the company just before I left for Israel.

Of course, in Israel I had my little melt-down, and upon returning to the UK I recognized I could not continue as I had been. I stopped looking for a programming job and first focused on finding a place to live, then started looking for a retail job. Of course, if I thought being rejected from a highly-paid, highly-skilled position was bad, you can imagine my horror to find I wasn't even qualified for unskilled labor! I shouldn't have been surprised -- unemployment was at a 20-year high, and in some areas there were 30 people for every open position -- but it was still rough. It was an employers market and they were being very picky, looking for people with previous retail experience, or their own car, or a full driver's license (I still only have my learner's permit). I couldn't be a cashier, a waiter, a mini-cab driver, a cook, a security guard, a meter maid, or a pizza delivery driver!

Then, in an unrelated (and unexpected) turn of events, the owner of the B&B I had stayed at fired the front office clerk and offered me his job! I eagerly accepted the offer -- after all, I had no prospects other than this one company I talked to six weeks ago, and even though I got daily calls from this annoying recruiter, he didn't have any updates. I was scheduled to start 7 May.

The consulting company finally called me in for a face-to-face interview with the three directors who started the company. It turned out the company was only 8 people, and they were scattered across the UK and did most of their work from home, which was why it took them so long to schedule the interview. I was expecting a decision after the interview, but instead they asked me back for a third interview, which they couldn't schedule for another week.

By now I'd spent six hours interviewing with them, and about 22 hours talking to the recruiter, who was driving me insane. (I tried not taking his calls -- sending them straight to voicemail -- but then I just got 10 voicemails, plus a couple of texts, asking me to call him back.) When they finally offered me the position, I took it with no negotiation whatsoever. The salary is fine, and I certainly can't complain about the commute since I'll be working from home 3-4 days per week. I don't know about the other benefits, but I get 20 vacation days per year plus 10 bank holidays.

Oh, and the company name is "datb," which actually stands for "Day At The Beach." You can check out their website at datb.com, although if you can understand it then you're probably qualified to work there. (It begins with, "datb offers a real alternative to the business constraints imposed by off-the-shelf packages and lengthy, expensive and risk-laden bespoke development.")

And as for the B&B, the owner wasn't surprised -- she said six months ago that as soon as she offered me a job, that's when I'd find work. It turns out she was right.

P.S. Thanks again for everyone's support and encouragement through this ordeal, especially to my similarly-situated friends who commiserated with me. (See? There is hope!) Many thanks to Luci at the Merlyn Court B&B, who always looked out for me, and of course my eternal gratitude to Jessica, who has dealt with so much in such a short period, and believed in me the entire time. It is with no small amount of irony that I got the job on her birthday!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I am...

employed.

Monday, April 13, 2009

4 more days...

A week ago I was wheeling a TV around town in a suitcase, so it shouldn't surprise you to learn that the next day I carried a barbecue two miles across town.
It looked shorter on the map.
The guy who gave it to me was moving back to Texas, and he gave me very specific instructions on how to smoke meats and grill steaks. I just let him talk, figuring if he knew I was vegetarian, he wouldn't let me have the barbecue. But I've already got a bag of charcoal and I'll be grilling asparagus, corn, veggie kabobs, and mangoes on my little patio this summer. :-)
What else have I done this week:
  • I planted four tomato plants that I got from a neighbor. I am also going to plant some ivy in large pots (to try and cover the wooden fence), a few herbs, and maybe a deck chair. (The fence isn't strong enough for a hammock.)
  • I stained and varnished the TV stand as Jessica suggested, and it now looks like a piece of furniture instead of Ikea junk.
  • I went to a Passover dinner (Seder) with another 20 or so of Jessica's family. (This is on top of the 40 I met in Israel.) It was like Thanksgiving except with some reading, a few rituals, and followed by singing (mostly in Hebrew, plus Bohemian Rhapsody).
  • On Good Friday I took Jessica to hear "Messiah" at the Royal Albert Hall. (Interestingly, it's tradition here to stand during the "Hallelujah Chorus," apparently started by King George II.)
  • I watched the "The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas," which was just unflinching in its story of the holocaust. Highly recommended.
  • I went to three yoga classes. (I planned on going to six, but I caught a cold and was just miserable for several days. Some of the classes are not much more than "stretching for seniors," but a few are quite challenging.)
  • I bought tickets to see Chris Barber's jazz band next month. My uncle told me how he had invited the band back to his house after a gig one night, some 50 years ago, so I googled them and found they were still touring! (I also planned to see Dave Brubeck at the Barbican in June, but unfortunately he withdrew for health reasons.)
And a few things coming up:
  • I am (hopefully) going to hook up with a new tennis partner next Sunday. (My old tennis partner got a job. How rude was that?)
  • I should recieve my bike lock tomorrow, so I can go riding. (And you do want to watch this video all the way to the end.)
  • I should also get my ZipCar membership card, so I can go driving again. (I'd looked them up when I first got here--because I'd been a member in Los Angeles--but they wanted £50 to join! Now you can join for £25 and get £25 in driving credit, so its effectively free.)
  • I was going to see Lord of the Rings with live musical accompaniment (by the London Philharmonic Orchestra!) at Royal Albert Hall, but it's standing room only and the movie is 3 hours long.
  • I'm getting cable TV + broadband in 4 days. In 5 days I'll be complaining there's nothing on TV.
  • The British Film Institute is doing a James Bond program on IMAX, including an all-nighter with 4 movies starting at 11:30pm. (It costs £26, too rich for my blood-shot eyes.)
  • Saturday is the "Incredible Veggie Show" and Sunday is Shakespeare's 444th birthday.
  • I'm having lunch with Sue, whose flat I rented while she was in Africa. (Apparently she sold the flat just after I moved out!)
  • Jessica's birthday is also coming up, and in spite of my fear of heights I've offered to take her to Go Ape.
  • I have an interview tomorrow with a small consulting firm. Wish me luck.
Hope everyone had a good Easter. (And in case you ever wondered, Easter is the first Sunday at least 13 days after the first new moon after the vernal equinox, and it has absolutely everything to do with Passover.)

Sunday, April 5, 2009

On your bike

Getting a bicycle has been on my to-do list since I arrived in London, but I put it off for various reasons--mostly because I wanted a folding bike which cost £600. This morning, as part of my "putting down roots" campaign, I finally picked up a used mountain bike just to ride around the bicycle trails in Ealing park. (Only an idiot would ride on London streets.)

Except, to get the bike home, I had to ride on London streets. Worse, I had to go straight to the gym for a yoga class, so I had my yoga mat and workout clothes in a bag slung over my shoulder. And I haven't ridden a bicycle in three years. Needless to say, it may have been the scariest 20 minutes of my life, and my yoga mat fell out three times, unrolling itself into the middle of the street each time. Did I mention the yoga mat is bright purple? When I bought it (in LA) the gym lady assured me it wouldn't stand out at all. Well, it stood out alright. I finally lashed it onto my back like a sword; I'm sure the locals thought gay liberation had finally come to Ealing.

Then I realized I would need a bicycle lock when I got to the gym. I could have stopped at a store and gotten a cheap lock, but what do you do with your bike when you're buying a bicycle lock? It would be embarrassing to have owned a bike less than an hour before it was stolen...twice. (The first time I was only 12, and I'd like to think I am a little smarter now.) But it didn't matter because I had a brilliant idea: I could use the lock I had for my laptop! Now, if you're familiar with computer locks, you'll immediately recognize the fallacy in this plan, but it wasn't until I was at the gym did I realize that the computer cable just slips through a loop and then plugs into the laptop. With nothing to plug into, effectively all I was doing was tying the cable around the bike like a piece of rope, and hoping a thief didn't notice. But again, it didn't matter because by this time I was too late to join the class, so I just came home. (I ended up ordering a lock over the Internet which cost as much as the bike itself! However, London has a very high theft rate, so a cheap lock is just an invitation to steal, and I figure the inconvenience of losing my bike while away from home would be much worse than just the financial loss.)

In the afternoon, I went to a "drop-in" tennis class at the park, except I was the only one who dropped in. I asked someone and he told me they hadn't done that in two years, and I must have been looking at an old web site. (I was.) He said they'll have classes on Friday if he can get at least four people signed up, but including me I think he only had two people, so I'm not holding my breath. There's another tennis school nearby that has drill sessions on Sunday, but they are expensive (£12 for non-members!) so I'm thinking about going there once just to see if I can find someone who will play me on the free courts.

So that was the normal part of my day.

I mentioned in my last email that getting broadband + phone line + cable TV was cheaper than broadband by itself, but neither would do me much good because I didn't have a phone or TV. I found a cheap, second hand TV on gumtree (the UK equivalent to craigslist) that was just a short bus ride away. Of course it wasn't a flatscreen, but it was only 21" and I figured I could carry it to/from the bus. However, no doubt because I haven't been to the gym in two months, I could barely lift it. The seller offered me a large rolling suitcase that he was getting rid of, which he taped shut, tied off with a yellow LAN cable, and then wrapped two wire coat hangers around. It looked like something out of Sanford and Son, but it worked, and I rolled the TV a mile back to my place. (See attached photo.)

The TV is still in the suitcase, however, as Jessica suggested I stain the TV stand a darker color. I'm also going to see if I can string up a hammock in my little patio space.

P.S. "On your bike" is the British equivalent of "get lost" or "take a hike."

Friday, April 3, 2009

Comfort food

My brother was in LA this week, taking his kids to some of the places our dad took us. You have to understand two things about my dad, though: He didn't have any money, and he loved to drive.  As a result, we used to go all over for cheap food..  Of course, this is now comfort food to me, even as I would never go back to most of these places.
(Before it got trendy, when it was attached to a bowling alley)
Of course, there were many places that I don't even remember the name, and could never hope to find pictures of.  He kept a large crock pot in the car, and would often pick up egg drop soup on his way home.  Near his work was a Mexican stand that made the best taquitos.  And near church was a home improvement store that we would invariably stop at every Sunday, and the only thing that made it tolerable was the hot dog stand outside.  I can remember waiting in the car, listening to Chuck Cecil on KFI playing "The Swinging Years."  I hated it then, but of course I love it now.  (And amazingly, 30 years on, Chuck Cecil is still at it.)

My dad also loved The Magic Cork in Bellflower, which was a 90 mile round-trip from our house, but the food was incredibly cheap, and quite good. (I remember a sign on the table that said, "Our steaks have gristle.") He would also drive to Redondo Beach Pier for a $10 lobster dinner that my brother and I would share, and he introduced me to shawarmas, which I thought were the greatest food on earth.

Of course, there were some places my parents liked that I was not a fan of...
I was never a fan of Tommy's or In-n-Out. The Pantry, downtown, is also disgusting. I guess if I have any regrets, it's not visiting Roscoe's Chicken 'N Waffles before I went vegetarian, as that place is legendary.

Ironically, Philippes is where I went vegetarian, back in 2002 or so.  I had (accidentally on purpose) not eaten meat in about six months, but had no intention of going vegetarian, and was quite looking forward to a lamb sandwich covered in mustard.  One bite, though, and I realized I no longer had any interest in meat, and haven't touched it since.

Thanks to "LA Time Machine" for several of these photos, and lots of memories.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Day One

I have to say, I did an amazing job clearing out the refrigerator and pantry before leaving Brentford. Granted, I ate some very...unexpected...combinations of food during my final week, but I threw out very little, and I only took with me some soba noodles, two packets of instant oatmeal, a bottle of sherry, some ketchup and bbq sauce, and half a packet of fajita spices. These stayed packed while at Jessica's and so arrived at my new flat, where they practically filled the available cupboard space. (Did I mention the place was small?)

Today, I took an inventory of everything I needed for the flat. Now, bear in mind that I was essentially housesitting in Brentford, so it was fully stocked with dishes, cutlery, utensils, spices, etc. I only bought a few things to complement what I had; now all I had were those few things. So I had a rice cooker, but no pots. I had a mixer, but no bowls. I had an apple corer, but no peeler. You get the idea.

I took my (rather long) list down to the Robert Dyas store, which bills itself as an "ironmonger," but it's more like a Big Lots in that they have a bizarre selection of household goods, from hammers to tupperware. I bought some ice cube trays, a soap dish, and a screwdriver. (I can't imagine anyone who knows me being surprised that, of all the things I needed, these are the things I bought.) I also added a number of things to my list, such as a water filter, a colander, a cheese grater, a can opener, a kitchen timer, a kitchen scale, a toilet brush, coat hooks, candles, an hibachi grill, a bird feeder, and a printer/scanner. (I told you they had a bizarre selection.) However, I didn't buy any of these until I could do some price/quality comparisons.

I also got my utilities in order. The landlord took care of water and council tax (similar to property tax), and gas and electric just took a phone call. Internet, on the other hand, took six hours, cost £10 in cell phone charges, and I ended up doing exactly what the landlord suggested I do, which was ordering phone service from the local cable company.

The thing is, I didn't want a phone or a TV. I just wanted Internet, because nowadays you can make phone calls and watch TV over the Internet. I checked the local cable company--Virgin Media--and they charge £20 per month for Internet, or £25/month for phone, TV, and Internet, plus a £50 credit if you order all three. In other words, a phone and TV would only cost £2/month more, so it seemed silly not to take them. The only thing I didn't like was that Virgin required a 12-month contract, and I don't know that I'll be in this flat more than six months.

My other option was DSL, which was cheaper -- about £18/month -- but then I had to get a phone line. I called British Telecom (BT) and they said they could activate the phone line "within 4 weeks" and it would either be free or £122, but they couldn't tell me which until I placed the order. Then they told me they required a 12-month commitment as well. I also looked at a dozen DSL providers; O2 was the cheapest, but to get the lowest rate I would have to switch my mobile!

So cable was looking pretty good--it was £5/month more than DSL but twice as fast, included TV, I only had to deal with one company, and I'd probably get it sooner. But the real death knell for DSL came when Jessica pointed out the telephone jack: it was by a window, three feet off the ground, next to the dining table. There wasn't even an electrical outlet nearby, so I'd have to run a wire across the entire room, and hide the router behind a chest of drawers. The cable, on the other hand, was conveniently located, so I called Virgin and signed up. Even better, the rep not only gave me the £50 credit, but also gave Jessica a £60 credit for referring me.

My final goal was to go to the gym, since I haven't been in two months, but it was almost 7pm before I packed my gear and headed off. Then I realized I didn't bring any water, so I popped into the market on the way. Then I realized I was starving--I only had 2 bagels and a biscuit all day--but they didn't have anything that was appetising, and I thought eating a candy bar before going to the gym was self-defeating. Then I saw flour tortillas, and I remembered the half packet of fajita mix in the cupboard, and a little light bulb went on in my head and I bought a bell pepper, onion, and a big mushroom. Then I realized a) I was still starving, and b) what the hell was I going to do with this stuff at the gym? So I went home.

I mentioned in my last email that there were two markets on Pitshanger Lane, but I didn't mention they were both the same market. It's called "The Co-operative" and it's just a chain, but it's kind of weird having two on the same street, one block apart. This evening, though, it was very convenient because I realized I forgot cooking oil, so I popped inti the other one. When I got home, I also remembered I didn't have a knife, a pan, or a spatula. Instead, I sliced the vegetables with a plastic knife, cooked them in a pot Jessica had loaned me to boil water, and used a potato masher as a spatula. I also used the serrated edge of the cake server to open the pack of tortillas (scissors are on the list) and ate off a paper plate.

Oh, and did I mention the sofa was in the kitchen? The landlord was supposed to clean the carpet before I moved in, but naturally that didn't happen. He assured me it would be done today, so this morning I moved everything out of the living room, pushing the sofa into the kitchen. Naturally, he called in the afternoon and said it would be the next day, but it was too much effort to move the sofa back, so I just cooked around it.

Well, I think that's enough adventures for one day. Tomorrow I will pick up the rest of my belongings which I left at the hotel, including my camera bag, tennis racket, and all of my clothes hangers. (Why I didn't bring those with the clothes is beyond me; right now my clothes are literally stacked in the bottom of the closet.)

P.S. Here is a photo from Wadi Rum. From left: Martin, Anita, Gerald, Marcelle, Jessica, Ella, me, Yael, and Simon. (There was another photo of us all doing the high kick.)

Monday, March 30, 2009

Pitshanger Lane

OK, so I was having a breakdown, far from friends and family, and I'd pushed away the one person who'd been sustaining me. I was completely devastated, and unable to cope with anything. It couldn't get worse, could it?

Of course it could.

I moved back into the hotel and I don't think I left my room for eight days except to go to the bathroom, which was upstairs and down the hall. (I couldn't get my old room with the private bath.) I saw a doctor, expecting her to prescribe anti-depressants or refer me to a therapist, but she did neither. Instead, she spent the entire appointment telling me about her own qualifications in treating mental health issues, and then told me to make a follow-up appointment in two weeks.

I asked the doctor if there was anything I could do in the meantime, and she recommended the book, "Mind Over Mood." I checked online and the local library said they had 3 copies; I went down and they had none. But they did have quite a few other books on depression -- in fact, they had a disproportionate number given the size of library, which makes me wonder about London in general. I thumbed through one book which politely but firmly told me that depression is indicated by a lack of sleep and loss of appetite. Since I was sleeping ok and eating constantly, I thought to myself: Damn it, I can't even get depressed properly.

Then I stopped at a deli for lunch and there was a hyperactive young man in line in front of me who -- without prompting -- told me he was schizophrenic, HIV positive, and so depressed that he'd been cutting himself. (Both his arms were bandaged from wrist to elbow.) My heart went out to him, but in the back of my mind I thought to myself: Damn it, I can't even get depressed properly.

That evening, to cheer myself up, I treated myself to a folk concert at Royal Albert Hall. The concert was excellent, but it turned out to be a charity fundraiser for teenagers with cancer, complete with video interludes of these kids trying to lead normal lives while undergoing chemotherapy. In the back of my mind I thought to myself: All right, I get it, I have no reason to be depressed: I have my health, friends, family, some money, a roof over my head, and even though my life isn't going exactly the way I'd like it to at the moment, that's just a challenge to be overcome, so get over yourself and get on with it.

A friend helped me accept the fact that I wasn't going to move in with Jessica at this time, and that I still needed a place to live, so I did a fresh search online and found a dozen places within my budget that all looked dreadful except for a one-bed flat in Pitshanger Village. I called the agent and she said it had just come on the market the day before and several people were already considering offers, but if I came immediately then I still might be able to get it. I went down and it was actually perfect -- completely refurbished, light and bright, quiet, with a little private outdoor patio in back. It was on the ground floor of a 2-storey conversion, across the street from a church, and two blocks from a large park with tennis courts, bicycle paths, and a golf course. Just down the road, Pitshanger Village is a cute little "main street" with a book store and library, a couple of cafes and restaurants, and two markets. The area is well served by buses and trains, and there is a gym about a mile away with six (!) yoga classes per week. (I haven't been to the gym in two months, and I'm sure that contributed to my emotional slide.)

I should mention that I know all of this because Jessica used to live in Pitshanger Village, and she highly recommended it. I'd looked at a couple of places before, but everything in my price range had been dark and dingy including, ironically enough, the flat above the one I was looking at, which I'd seen a month earlier. (I didn't take that one, in part, because they were doing construction work on the flat downstairs.)

So I told the agent I would take it. It was impulsive, but it was the best place I'd seen since I moved out of Brentford seven weeks ago, I didn't want to spend any more time looking, I really didn't want to continue sharing a bathroom at the hotel, and I knew that what I really needed in my life right now was stability, which is exactly what this would provide. Then the agent told me that since I wasn't employed, they would require six months in advance, plus security deposit.

I had just transferred money to the UK, and so I ran the numbers: They wanted £7,125, and I had £7,125.81.

I didn't plan on living off 81 pence--I had some more money in the US, and it was easy enough to transfer it over--but there was obviously a huge emotional cost of giving away all of my money, especially since I was feeling so insecure. However, my cousin was quite pragmatic: Since I was going to pay them that money anyway, paying up front was just a way of budgeting, and once I'd given them the money then it would reduce my stress because I wouldn't have to worry about rent. The lease was for a year but there was a "break clause" after six months, so if I still didn't have a job then I would just give notice and move out. (We didn't talk about what I might do then, and I'd still rather not think about it.) I couldn't argue with her logic, so I agreed.

Of course, my new landlord wasn't quite through wringing me emotionally: She wouldn't take a check, only cash. If this were a private landlord, I would have run away, but the proprty was actually owned by a charity (the Marr-Munning Trust), which was set up in 1970 to help students from third-world countries come to London for education. They bought a number of properties and converted them into student housing, but now they rented those properties and used the income to fund other charitable work. So it wasn't a question of trust, it was simply that when you're giving away all the money you have, somehow it's easier to write a check than to count it in cash.

In the meantime, Jessica and I have basically started our relationship over. It's very awkward, of course, considering where we were just a few weeks ago, but it's a lot better than where we were two weeks ago. I know what she is looking for right now is consistency, and I'm just grateful she is willing to work through this. Last night I took her to a comedy show in Soho; today she took me into the countryside to see newborn lambs. (They were so adorable, but unfortunately I didn't bring my camera, so you'll have to find your own sheep.)

So that's where I'm at. Tomorrow I will be moving my stuff out of the hotel; in the evening, Jessica will drop off everything I'd left at her place, and then -- for the ninth time in three years -- I have to set about making a home for myself.

Attached is a photo of the flat, and here is a map. (Those colored lines are the Underground routes.) Any care packages should be addressed to:


  Flat 2, 197 Pitshanger Lane
  London, W5 1RQ

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Poetry

You know you're in love when you're reading a poetry book at midnight by lamplight on stairs overlooking the Thames. However, in my case, I was all by myself.

The book was "London Underground Poetry" 10th edition, which were poems displayed on the tube. Perhaps not the most romantic, but the local library didn't have the greatest selection. I jotted down some of the poems that I liked:

Now sleeps the crimson petal, now the white;
Nor waves the cypress in the palace walk;
Nor winks the gold fin in the porphyry font.
The firefly wakens; waken thou with me.
Now droops the milk-white peacock like a ghost,
And like a ghost she glimmers on to me.
Now lies the Earth all Danaë to the stars,
And all thy heart lies open unto me.
Now slides the silent meteor on, and leaves
A shining furrow, as thy thoughts in me.
Now folds the lily all her sweetness up,
And slips into the bosom of the lake.
So fold thyself, my dearest, thou, and slip
Into my bosom and be lost in me.

Alfred, Lord Tennyson, from The Princess


Once, in finesse of fiddles found I ecstasy,
In the flash of gold heels on the hard pavement.
Now see I
That warmth's the very stuff of poesy.
Oh, God, make small
The old star-eaten blanket of the sky,
That I may fold it round me and in comfort lie.

Thomas Ernest Hulme, The Embankment


Come live with me and be my love,
And we will all the pleasures prove,
That valleys, groves, hills, and fields,
Woods, or steepy mountain yields.

And we will sit upon the rocks,
Seeing the shepherds feed their flocks,
By shallow rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sing madrigals.

And I will make thee beds of roses,
And a thousand fragrant posies,
A cap of flowers and a kirtle
Embroider'd all with leaves of myrtle:

A gown made of the finest wool,
Which from our pretty lambs we pull;
Fair lined slippers for the cold,
With buckles of the purest gold:

A belt of straw and ivy buds,
With coral clasps and amber studs;
And if these pleasures may thee move,
Come live with me and be my love.

The shepherd swains shall dance and sing
For thy delight each May morning;
If these delights thy mind may move,
Then live with me and be my love.

Christopher Marlowe, The Passionate Shepherd to his Love


Your clear eye is the one absolutely beautiful thing.
I want to fill it with color and ducks,
The zoo of the new
Whose name you meditate --
April snowdrop, Indian pipe,
Little

Stalk without wrinkle,
Pool in which images
Should be grand and classical

Not this troublous
Wringing of hands, this dark
Ceiling without a star.

Sylvia Plath, Child


I shall say what inordinate love is:
The furiosity and frenzy of mind,
An inextinguishable burning lacking bliss,
A great hunger, insatiable to find,
A dulcet ill, an evil sweetness blind,
A right wonderful, sugared, sweet error,
Labour without rest, contrary to kind,
And without peace to have great labour.

Anon. (15th century)


I am: yet what I am none cares or knows,
My friends forsake me like a memory lost;
I am the self-consumer of my woes,
They rise and vanis in oblivious host,
Like shades in love and death's oblivion lost;
And yet I am! and live with shadows tost

Into the nothingness of scorn and noise,
Into the living sea of waking dreams,
Where there is neither sense of life nor joys,
But the vast shipwreck of my life's esteems;
And e'en the dearest--that I loved the best--
Are strange--nay, rather stranger than the rest.

I long for scenes where man has never trod;
A place where woman never smil'd or wept;
There to abide with my creator, God,
And sleep as I in childhood sweetly slept:
Untroubling and untroubled where I lie;
The grass below--above the vaulted sky.

John Clare, I Am


The goddess Fortune be praised (on her toothed wheel
I have been mincemeat these several years)
Last night, for a whole night, the unpredictable
Lay in my arms, in a tender and unquiet rest --
(I perceived the irrelevance of my former tears) --
Lay, and at dawn departed. I rose and walked the streets
Where a whitsuntide wind blew fresh, and blackbirds
Incontestably sang, and the people were beautiful.

John Heath-Stubbs, The Unpredicted


peaceful waters of the air
under echo's branches

peaceful waters of a pool
under a bough laden with stars

peaceful waters of your mouth
under a forest of kisses

Frederico Garcia Lorca


Fresh sighs for sale!
Prime doubts a penny!
Scowls going at a loss!
When I'm sold out I'll go
far from me and these among
be born again :
a mango warm from the bough,
a more than feline kiss,
a few objects without name.
Fresh hopes for sale!
Prime sooth a penny!
Smiles going at a loss!
Bargains, bargains, in and out of reason!

Alain Bosquet


Oh, to be in England
Now that April's there,
And whoever wakes in England
Sees, some morning, unaware,
That the lowest boughs and the brushwood sheaf
Round the elm-tree bole are in tiny leaf,
While the chaffinch sings on the orchard bough
In England--now!

And after April, when May follows,
And the whitethroat builds, and all the swallows!
Hark, where my blossomed pear-tree in the hedge
Leans to the field and scatters on the clover
Blossoms and dewdrops--at the bent spray's edge--
That's the wise thrush; he sings each song twice over,
Lest you should think he never could recapture
The first fine careless rapture!
And though the fields look rough with hoary dew,
All will be gay when noontide wakes anew
The buttercups, the little children's dower
--Far brighter than this gaudy melon-flower!

Robert Browning, Home Thoughts From Abroad


Golden slumbers kiss your eyes,
Smiles awake you when you rise;
Sleep, pretty wantons, do not cry,
And I will sing a lullaby,
Rock them, rock them, lullaby.

Care is heavy, therefore sleep you,
You are care, and care must keep you;
Sleep, pretty wantons, do not cry,
And I will sing a lullaby
Rock them, rock them, lullaby.

Thomas Dekker, Cradle song


The season midnight: glass
cracks with cold. From lighted shop windows

girls half-sleeping, numb with frost step out.
We warm their hands between our hands, we kiss them

awake, and the planets
melt on their cheeks.

First touch, first tears. Behind their blue eyes darkness
shatters its pane of ice. We

step through into a forest
of sunlight, sunflowers.

David Malouf ~ Thaw


Such days, when trees run downwind,
their arms stretched before them.

Such days, when the sun's in a drawer
and the drawer is locked.

When the meadow is dead, is a carpet
thin and shabby, with no pattern

and at bus stops people retract into collars
their faces like fists.

- And when, in a firelit room, a mother looks
at her four seasons, her little boy,

in the centre of everything, with still pools
of shadows and a fire throwing flowers.

Norman MacCaig, February - Not Everywhere


The room was suddenly rich and the great bay-window was
Spawning snow and pink roses against it
Soundlessly collateral and incompatible:
World is suddener than we fancy it.

World is crazier and more of it than we think,
Incorrigibly plural. I peel and portion
A tangerine and spit the pips and feel
The drunkenness of things being various.

And the fire flames with a bubbling sound for world
Is more spiteful and gay than one supposes–
On the tongue on the eyes on the ears in the palms of your hands–
There is more than glass between the snow and the huge roses.

Louis Macneice, Snow


For the present there is just one moon,
though every level pond gives back another.

But the bright disk shining in the black lagoon,
perceived by astrophysicist and lover,

is milliseconds old. And even that light’s
seven minutes older than its source.

And the stars we think we see on moonless nights
are long extinguished. And, of course,

this very moment, as you read this line,
is literally gone before you know it.

Forget the here-and-now. We have no time
but this device of wantonness and wit.

Make me this present then: your hand in mine,
and we’ll live out our lives in it.

Michael Donaghy, The Present


Somewhere on the other side of this wide night
and the distance between us, I am thinking of you.
The room is turning slowly away from the moon.

This is pleasurable. Or shall I cross that out and say
it is sad? In one of the tenses I singing
an impossible song of desire that you cannot hear.

La lala la. See? I close my eyes and imagine
the dark hills I would have to cross
to reach you. For I am in love with you and this
is what it is like or what it is like in words.

Carol Ann Duffy, Words, Wide Night


Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

William Butler Yeats, Cloths of Heaven


Time will say nothing but I told you so,
Time only knows the price we have to pay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.

If we should weep when clowns put on their show,
If we should stumble when musicians play,
Time will say nothing but I told you so.

There are no fortunes to be told, although,
Because I love you more than I can say,
If I could tell you I would let you know.

The winds must come from somewhere when they blow,
There must be reasons why the leaves decay;
Time will say nothing but I told you so.

Perhaps the roses really want to grow,
The vision seriously intends to stay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.

Suppose all the lions get up and go,
And all the brooks and soldiers run away;
Will Time say nothing but I told you so?
If I could tell you I would let you know.

W.H. Auden, If I Could Tell You

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Israel

My travelogues are usually a ridiculous combination of information and misadventures, but not this time. In fact, I deliberately chose not to do any research because I just wanted to be open to the experience.

That's not entirely true: I had been reading up on the history of Israel. For a country that is constantly in the news, I was surprisingly ignorant about it. In addition, 17 years in the Anglican church had taught me almost nothing about the Holy Land besides a few place names: Bethlehem, Nazareth, Jerusalem.

I won't go into the history of the Middle East issues--other than to say it was Britain's fault--but suffice it to say, I wasn't there to solve them. I was there for a wedding, which was bringing together 40 of Jessica's relatives, most of whom she'd grown up with in South Africa. (And that's still only a small part of her family; by comparison, I have a grand total of 24 relatives, half of whom I hardly know, and only once have I seen more than ten of them under the same roof.) Her entire family, though, is incredible: they are all open and loving, gracious, and still very close, even though they've scattered across four continents.

Plus, Israel itself is achingly beautiful, and a stunning collection of contrasts. My stereotypical view of a crowded market in the desert represents only one small aspect of the country: I saw suburbs, meadows, forests, mountains, metropolises, communes, ancient ruins, brand new resorts, coral reefs and bird sanctuaries. I even swam in the triumvirate of seas: Dead, Red, and Med. (I didn't go to the Galilee, but it doesn't rhyme, anyway.)

We also went into Jordan to see Petra and Wadi Rum, which were completely beyond my expectations, and absolutely stunning. My pictures are a terrible injustice, but that doesn't mean I won't subject you to them anyway. (Rough order is Masada, Cesarea, Jerusalem, Petra at night, Petra by day, Wadi Rum, and Eilat. I didn't get any photos of the wedding—I left that to the professionals.)

However, it didn't really matter how wonderful the people were or how incredible the land was, because I was having a bit of a breakdown.

In retrospect, I should have seen coming. I've been quite depressed over the job search, of course--not just the money, but the fruitless efforts, the lack of direction, and the stream of rejection--and then in January I had to dip into my retirement savings, which had a large financial penalty and a huge emotional penalty as well. Then in February I had to move, and I ended up staying with Jessica, which was the last thing I wanted to do.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely wanted to live with her, but I didn't want it to feel like I needed a place to live. (In fact, I had been planning on going back to the hotel, but the day before I moved they had a pipe burst and had to shut the hotel for two weeks!) Jessica actually did find us a two-bedroom place to rent on Eel Pie Island, and talked to an agent about renting out her place, but the day before leaving for Israel, we went sign the paperwork and the owner threw in some surprises, so we ended up not taking it. (It's a long story that involves a boat yard, an asbestos hazard, another agent with a different price, and some really awful cabinetry.)

So, as my uncle would say, I was feeling mighty puny—withdrawn, antisocial, and vulnerable. That probably wasn't the best time to go on a 10-day trip with Jessica's family, feeling out of control and dependent on others, and spending a bunch of money. And on top of that, I had no time to myself--we were even staying with family--so I couldn't even recharge my batteries. My fears and insecurities overwhelmed me, I only saw the negatives, I blew everything out of proportion, and I got caught in a vicious spiral: fearing rejection, I pushed Jessica away, which ensured that I was rejected. Every time Jessica tried to resolve an issue, I felt like she was attacking me, and I pulled away further. She kept trying to reassure me, but I couldn't deal with any of it, and at one point I told her I had nothing left to give.

It doesn't really matter what happened or what my reasons were; the fact is I really hurt her, so when we got back to London she asked me to move out. I'm now back at the hotel, trying to get everything straightened out in my head. I'm seeing a doctor next week to see what else can be done, because I need to resolve this. Jessica is, without a doubt, the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, and I can't believe that just a few days ago I tried to throw that all away. But, for the first time in my life, I'm trying to deal with my emotions instead of just running away. Unfortunately, I'm not very good at it, and I may have done irreparable harm in the process.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Israel itinerary

We've (finally) set our itinerary for the Israel trip next week:
WedFly from Heathrow to Tel Aviv at 10:30pm
ThuArrive 5:30am, spend all day with family, stay with Jessica's cousin, Marcelle, near Tel Aviv
FriBorrow Marcelle's car and drive to Ein Gedi, swim (float?) in the Dead Sea, and visit Masada, then back for Friday night dinner
SatTour Jerusalem with Tracy and family
SunTracy's wedding at 7pm
MonDrive to Kibbutz Lotan (southern Israel); stay overnight
TuesBirdwatching in the morning, then drive across the Jordan border to Wadi Musa
WedVisit Petra in the morning, taxi to Wadi Rum in the afternoon, sleep in Bedouin camp
ThursTour Wadi Rum, taxi back to Eilat (Israel) in the afternoon
FriEilat -- lay on beach, snorkelling in the Red Sea
SatMore Eilat
SunFly back to Tel Aviv, meet Tracy for lunch, then fly home to Heathrow

Masada is a fortress built on a mesa overlooking the Dead Sea. In 73AD, during the Great Jewish Revolt, a group of Jewish rebels captured Masada and made their last stand, but committed suicide rather than surrender. Right now I'm reading a book about the 1966 excavation of Masada, and the pictures are just stunning.

Petra is an ancient city carved into the desert rocks, and was recently voted one of the "new seven wonders of the world." (Interesting side note: Of the original "7 wonders of the ancient world," only the pyramid of Giza still exist.)

Bedouin are nomadic farmers (think "Lawrence of Arabia") and "wadi" is Arabic for a dry river bed. The desert around Wadi Rum is supposed to be breathtaking.

Eilat, the southernmost tip of Israel, is on the northernmost tip of the Red Sea. That also happens to be the limit where corals will grow, so snorkelling will be amazing.

So all in all, looks like a fabulous trip, weather permitting. Right now it's perfect -- sunny with a high between 65-75F -- but it's been quite variable over the last couple of weeks, from freezing cold to pouring rain. Still, I'm traveling to the Middle East and my main concern is the weather--that's got to be a good sign. :-)

P.S. Still no job or house--I may have my priorities confused.

Monday, February 2, 2009

A day in the life

Over the past 3 years, I've moved 6 times, to 4 different cities, held 3 jobs, gotten divorced, and met one amazing woman. My financial situation has varied as dramatically as my emotional state, as each change has been a completely disruptive experience. It hasn't been easy, but it has been interesting.

Three years ago, I'd wake up around 7am and put in a couple of hours of work on the B&B, planning, marketing, web design, financing, business plans, fixture selection -- even 2,000 miles away, there was always an overwhelming amount of work to do. I'd go to work until 8 or 9pm, then come home and spend a few more hours on the B&B, getting to sleep most nights around 2am. It was an exhausting death march that lasted almost a year and a half. I was making excellent money, but the B&B was burning through my life's savings, and I was watching every dime.

Two and a half years ago, I'd wake up around 6am and prepare breakfast for the guests--freshly baked bread, toasted granola, fresh fruit, and a main dish (all vegetarian, of course). After helping plan itineraries, I'd clean rooms, take reservations, and deal with the contractors who were still working on the last two buildings. In the evening, after serving coffee and cake and mingling with the guests, I'd work on marketing--local associations, brochures, media coverage, etc. Unfortunately, the stress of the past year had taken its toll, and divorce was inevitable. In spite of that, it was a surprisingly easy transition from software developer to innkeeper. The B&B was doing better than I'd predicted, and the cash flow was covering the bills, but my savings were gone and I was over a million dollars in debt, primarily because the house in LA still hadn't sold.

Two years ago, I'd wake up at 7am to let in the builders, who were carpeting, painting, plastering, tiling, and landscaping my house in LA, which had been on the market for over 7 months at that point. I'd borrowed heavily against the house for the B&B, and I could no longer afford the payments, so my options were to fix it up and hope it sold quickly, or let it go into foreclosure. (The third option, which I didn't like to think about, was to spend all of this money fixing it up only to watch it go into foreclosure anyway.) I didn't tell my friends I was back in LA, I had no money, and I had no car (I'd left it in Pennsylvania), so evenings and weekends were spent walking around the neighborhood, trying to figure out what was 'next' in my life. The house did sell, but between the cost of the work and the drop in the market, I didn't see a dime, but at least most of the debt was paid off. I'd also decided that was was 'next' was to go live abroad, and I applied for a UK work permit.

18 months ago, I was living with my mom, in northern California. That was pretty humiliating, although my family was very supportive--my brother let me use his truck, and my mother ate my vegetarian food. When my UK work permit was denied, I started looking for a job in San Francisco. Two weeks after that, I got a job offer in LA. I did not want to move back to LA, but my financial situation was such that I didn't really have a choice.

1 year ago, I was living in a converted loft apartment in downtown LA. My job was painfully boring, but that gave me plenty of time to enjoy Los Angeles in a way I never had before. I went to the gym most nights, went to the Farmer's Market on Friday, and took yoga classes on Saturday. Two or three nights a week, I went to see a movie, a play, a concert, or a gallery, and I took the subway all over town. On weekends, I'd rent a car and go see friends, run errands, or just hang out at the beach. I was making good money, had paid off all remaining debts from the B&B, and was saving quite a bit. It took me a while to find myself again, but I was really enjoying it. Plus my second attempt at a UK work permit was successful.

6 months ago, I was living in a B&B (life comes full circle) in London. My room was about 40 square feet and the only window was in the bathroom, but I loved it. Every morning, I'd walk across the hall for breakfast (tea, toast with marmalade, and muesli), then go to the gym. In the afternoon, I'd see plays, concerts , or museums (mostly free), take long walks along the Thames, or play tennis with a couple of ex-pats I found online. In the evenings, I'd often see Jessica, or we would talk over the computer. I was reading a lot, eating fantastic food, and having a great time--I loved the city, and I was quickly falling in love with Jessica. The job market was tight because of the credit crunch, but I had some savings and I was sure I'd find a job within six months, so I wasn't worried.

Today, I'm living in a flat on the edge of London. I still try to go to the gym in the morning, though the new gym is a mile away and it's a workout just getting there and back. I spend the rest of the day scouring job sites, and I usually get a few calls from recruiters, but almost no interviews, and certainly no job offers. After 7 or 8 hours of this, I can be pretty despondent, and so stressed that I can't even concentrate--just trying to read a book, my stomach cramps up. (This has not been helped in the past week by wildcat strikes across the UK demanding "British jobs for British workers.") It's been a very frustrating, very trying time for me. I see Jessica about every other night, and I don't know what I would have done without her love and support.

Of course, I'm thinking about this because I have to move again. I have no idea where -- I have 6 days to figure that out -- and I have no idea what my new 'routine' will be. After I move, I'll start applying for part-time work anywhere--doing anything--just to find a little normalcy and feel like a productive member of society again. I'll keep looking for an IT job, of course--I'm not planning on starting my career over again, too. It's been an illuminating experience, but now I want to settle down and move on to the next stage of my life.

P.S. A blizzard hit London today, with over 10 inches of snow overnight. Public transportation came to a standstill, as did the motorways, and they're saying tomorrow may be even worse. I put some photos on the web. (I also set up an album of my London photos, but keep in mind those were taken with my mobile phone.)

Thursday, January 22, 2009

[Insert caption here]

So...I ran out of money in December. No great surprise--in fact, I'm amazed it lasted that long, considering how expensive London is and how bad the exchange rate was when I moved here. The only thing (literally) that I got out of the divorce was one investment account, but for tax purposes I didn't want to touch it until 2009, leaving me about a month where I had literally no cash, but I still had to pay rent for January.

I considered several options--borrowing, stealing, sleeping on the street--and decided to take a cash advance against one of my credit cards, and pay it back next month with the distribution from the investment account. I have two UK cards and two US cards, so getting the money was not going to be a problem...I thought. I needed a PIN from Citibank so I requested it in November, but for some reason they wouldn't mail it outside the US, so I had it sent to my mom's. I was going to be there in December, so I figured I could pick it up then, but of course it didn't arrive until after I left, and then my mom (bless her) took a month to send it to me.

I wasn't worried because I had three other cards. I went to use my American Express, but could only get £200. I called to raise the limit, and they told me not only could they not raise the limit, but the limit was £200 per week. At that rate, I wouldn't be able to pay my rent until February!

So now I was down to 2 cards, one of which would have taken me over the limit, and the other which I'd managed to transpose two digits of the PIN, and locked the card. So I was screwed, and the rent was already two days late. I finally asked my mom to just open my mail and read me the Citibank PIN, but she had finally sent the mail...the day before. So my mom offered to loan me the money, but her bank wouldn't do an international wire transfer. In the end, she wired it to my Wells Fargo account, and I was able to withdraw it in cash at the ATM outside the branch, then walk inside and deposit it. The whole situation was beyond ridiculous, but then so is my life.

At the same time, the UK had one of its worst cold snaps in years, with temperatures in London down to -3°C. Now, that's only 27°F -- 10 degrees warmer than the average temperature in Chicago in January, and even Pennsylvania is colder -- but I can't think in Celsius, so when I hear -3° I imagine frostbite, gangrene, and eating other people just to stay alive. To entertain myself, I watched the water birds skidding on the frozen lakes. How cruel is that?

To deal with the cold, I've focused on three dates, two of which have already passed:

  • December 21 -- The winter solstice, or shortest day of the year, when London had less than 8 hours of daylight. (Los Angeles, by comparison, had almost 10 hours.) After this date, the days (slowly) start getting longer.
  • January 19 -- Calculated as the most depressing day of the year in the UK. (I have also learned that most suicides occur on Monday, and most suicides on the Underground occur around 11am. Try not to read into this.)
  • March 20 -- The first day of Spring. In my head, that means long days and warm temperatures. In reality, that means average temperatures of 6°C (43°F) and average sunlight of 4 hours per day.

You'll notice I differentiated between "daylight" (when the sun is up) and "sunlight" (when you can actually see it). In Los Angeles, those are generally the same, but in England January may have 8 hours of daylight, but average sunlight of only 1 hour per day! (Now you see why January 19 is so depressing.)

I should mention that Jessica and I were invited to Egypt for New Years, which was 24°C (75°F). However, the invitation was made on December 30, and while Jess can travel with no notice (she works for British Air), it would have cost me a small fortune, so we stayed home and watched fireworks on TV. We are going to Israel in early March, however, and I'm not about to let a little thing like not having any money get in my way...

P.S. Look, I cut my hair!