Things in my life

I saw my therapist yesterday, for the first time in three months, and it was such a pleasure.  I hadn't seen her simply because my job has me travelling all week (although I'm trying to get that reduced to three days a week.)  I had already compiled a list of things that are broken in my life, although some of them (such as my car) were pretty mundane, and in fact I already have an appointment to get that fixed.

The biggest thing, of course, is my 'indefinite leave to remain,' which I've been waiting five years for, and should have in less than a month.  That's huge because it was the one thing rooting me here, the one thing in the UK that had worked out for me. In addition, I didn't expect to get that until November, so the idea of having it by the end of April is quite a shock.  It has uprooted me and unsettled me, even more so because I hate the project I am on, and am expected to be on for another nine months.

So everything is open again: I can move anywhere, I can do anything, but what do I really want?  That is the crux of the matter.

What will happen, in all likelihood, is that I will stay in the UK another year to achieve citizenship.  (Indefinite leave to remain gives me the right to live and work in the UK, but not full citizenship.)  I could, of course, change jobs, or I could just move up north -- most of what I hate about my project is the travelling and staying in hotels.  While I would certainly feel lonely moving up north, it's just another opportunity to establish myself.  (Plus there is a sizeable Jewish community in Manchester, as well as an excellent vegetarian restaurant.)

What it all comes down to, though, is that I'm not moving *to* anything.  I'm not running away, I'm just changing seats, which I find very unsatisfying.  However, right now I'm just wasting time, filling it up with pointless distractions, which makes me feel even more depressed.

These are all thoughts I've been internalizing for a while, but it was lovely to voice them with the therapist, which gives me a certain strength, a platform to move on from.  However, as she pointed out, Spring will be arriving here at some point and the world will start to look a bit rosier (or at least daffodilish) and so perhaps I should wait a bit longer before making any drastic decisions.