Drama

Things move so quickly here, it's hard for me to keep up. Some days I think I should keep a diary, but then I realise I'm much happier living in the moment, rather than recording it. (Hence the infrequent blog updates.)

It's also hard to keep track of who is upset about what. At 10, 12 and 13 going on 16, there is no end to the drama. It was "labour weekend" in New Zealand, a three-day weekend that is primarily used as a marker for when to plant vegetables, which is exactly what I did Friday afternoon--plant vegetables. The eldest wasn't interested but the younger two came out to watch. When I tried giving the middle child a job, she disappeared and was not seen again. The youngest did stay, although he much preferred stabbing things with the fork, so wasn't much help. (Once I'd weeded, turned the soil and added mulch, he did plant the seedlings, so I'll give him credit.)

Friday night, I made borscht, aka sweet and sour cabbage soup. I haven't had borscht since I went vegetarian, because restaurants invariably cook it with brisket, and I never thought to make it myself! And in fact I did cook some brisket separately, as I did not think cabbage soup would be an easy sell with the kids. (They did eat it with the brisket, but turned their noses up when the leftovers were offered without meat.) In the evening, the eldest child -- who has been an absolute angel for the past four weeks -- had a bit of a setback and started yelling, but I honestly can't remember about what.
Saturday, the kids got up at 6am, 8am and 10am respectively, and each one announced they were staying home the entire day and "relaxing." Of course, I have no idea what they were relaxing from, but it didn't matter as we'd made plans to meet their uncle for lunch on the beach. Just like the UK, it always rains on a holiday weekend, and as Saturday was the only sunny day we were determined to make the most of it. The kids, however, were determined to do the opposite. After much groaning and protestation, we finally got them out the door, but at the beach they refused to go in the water, or play any games, and instead just dug holes in the sand.

Sunday morning is usually a hassle because the kids go to cheder (Jewish school) and normally have to be out the door by 9, but it was on hiatus and so we had a leisurely morning and I made hash browns, frittata and toast. (Toast is a luxury in the household because the kids are all coeliac, gluten-free bread is very expensive and they'll go through an entire loaf in a day!) The kids have a terrible habit of starting the meal before it is even served, grabbing food off the serving plates, and I was determined to stop this, and was gunning for the first kid to snatch a hash brown. Unfortunately that turned out to be the middle child, who was also at the receiving end a week ago when she snatched some lettuce off the chopping board and I was quick enough to grab her wrist and force her to drop it. That two-second incident turned into a two hour festival of screaming and crying, and so criticising her a second time was playing with fire. To be fair, all I said was, "That's very rude. You don't even help making the food, and then you can't even wait for us to sit down before you start eating?" Amazingly, there was no crying, but she stormed off and wouldn't talk to me for an hour. (Although she happily ate the hash browns when they were served.)

At breakfast I mentioned I was meeting their uncle for tennis, and then a strange thing happened--all the kids said they wanted to go with me! (Even the one who wasn't speaking to me.) We were actually going to a tennis club, with lots of older people, so it was really inappropriate for me to bring them, but their uncle has been trying to kindle their interest in tennis for a while so I didn't want to quash it. Fortunately the club was great, and gave us a private court to play on. The middle child promptly had a meltdown and went and sat in the car for the rest of the time, but the other two kids had fun, and their uncle and I took turns playing with the club and teaching the kids.

When we got home at noon, their mom was swimming, so I told the kids we needed to pack for the river. The middle child promptly disappeared, but she was in such a foul mood I was happy to let her go. The eldest announced she wanted to bake a cake, which was not on the list of things to do, but I love cake, so was happy to let her go. The youngest said he wanted a lemon cake, and after some argument she agreed. The recipe called for two teaspoons of lemon rind so I gave the boy a lemon and a zester and showed him how to strip off the peel. He told me he was too tired to do it. I snapped at him, a bit harshly, that he had just asked his sister to make a lemon cake for him and now couldn't be bothered to make the lemon? He relented, and I left the two alone while I loaded the kayaks onto the car. When I came back, the kitchen was spotless--even the middle child had returned and helped clean the dishes!

We met some friends on the river and after a few rough starts -- the two youngest kids insisted on sitting in the car, where they proceeded to argue about who-knows-what -- the kids all went on the kayaks upstream, and we had a lovely time. The Met Office predicted rain at 6pm and, although the skies were threatening all day, it did hold out. We got home and everyone helped unload the car, I got pizza for dinner, and the whole family was playing a board game--it was idyllic, so you know it couldn't last for long. Her mom asked the eldest to do something, and she shot back with a rude remark. Her mom wasn't having any of it, and told her to go to her room and think about what she said, but the girl wouldn't back down and announced she wasn't going to her room, and we should continue playing the game.

This is usually the point where I jump in, just to sever the "casual rudeness" that the children displayed toward their mother, except I could see how this was going to play out -- the eldest has been working hard to behave, and has been enjoying the fruits of that labour -- talking, playing, laughing, having fun. Rather than escalate the situation, I decided that denying her those things would have a more lasting effect. So I didn't stop the kids from playing, but I didn't play with them, and of course their mother stopped as well. At 8pm I announced it was bedtime, even though we had planned on letting them stay up as Monday was a holiday. The kids were also planning a "sleepover" -- sleeping together in one room -- but I cancelled that. Funnily, whereas before they would have had a meltdown and just started screaming until they got their way, the younger two were quite philosophical, and understood this was because the eldest was misbehaving. In fact, the younger two were so exemplary that in the end I did let them have a sleepover--which turned out to be a huge mistake.

While I was reading to the younger ones, their mom was talking to the eldest, who (as predicted) was crying inconsolably about how she never does anything right and how sorry she was. It was very heartfelt--and heartbreaking--but an important lesson, and she needed to know their were consequences for bad behaviour that would not be waived for an apology. Unfortunately, just as she had stopped crying and resigned herself to this, the middle child came in and pleaded on her sister's behalf to be allowed in the sleepover. Her mom refused and the crying started all over again.

Monday the forecast was for rain all day, so the kids were allowed to do their own thing in the morning. We were going to a friend's for tea in the afternoon, and the lemon cake had been such a smash the day before, the eldest wanted to make another. Again, I was happy to let her. Unfortunately the younger two decided to play Minecraft in the same world (on two different devices), and started bickering about things in the virtual world the same as they might argue over real-world toys! Their mom is a luddite and very intolerant of technology, so she told them to stop playing. Unfortunately the youngest gets very addicted, and does not handle being disconnected well, so he started crying.

We called their grandmother (on Skype) and had a video chat, which was going well until she asked about my job situation. We've been trying to not discuss the situation with the kids until we had some concrete plans, but of course they have been asking how long I'd be here and have been frustrated that we haven't given them any answers. The eldest, in particular, has accused us of keeping secrets, and I feel for them but I think telling them "I don't know" isn't any better of an answer. So when her grandma asked, and her mom fobbed off the question, she got very upset. Very, very upset. It stewed for a while, but by the time we got over to her aunt's house it boiled over, and she and her mom had an hour-long screaming/crying/glaring session. (Fortunately I was inside, with the other two kids.)

And then it was over and she was fine. Her mom was a wreck, of course, but it's amazing how kids can turn it on and just as quickly turn it off! We went over to the friend's house and had a lovely afternoon. We got home, made a quick dinner, and over dinner discussed a Halloween party the girls had been invited to. The issue was over the time they had to leave, as we have to be in the city at 10am the following morning--which means getting up at 8am--and the kids are nightmares if they don't get 10 hours of sleep. The girls assured us that they could be in bed and asleep in 15 minutes, even though it normally takes them an hour to settle down. A compromise was reached with the proviso they could show -- over the next four days -- that they could get to bed on time.

The two girls then sat down to practice guitar for a school show they had the next evening. The eldest was playing her own song, and had invited her sister to play with her. Unfortunately, at 8pm -- bedtime -- the eldest told her sister she no longer wanted her to play, and the middle one went into a meltdown. Interestingly, again whereas she normally would have started screaming until she got her way, the middle one started screaming into a pillow, obviously trying (in some small measure) to control herself. Her mother offered her comfort and she slammed the bedroom door in her face, but later came out and demanded her mother come in and comfort her! Her mom took a hard line and told her to control herself and she started to lose it, but then managed to pull herself back from the precipice and go to bed. It was an amazing turnaround, and I was very proud of her, even though I couldn't tell her that because she was still behaving badly.

So night one of showing us they could get to bed early, the middle one went to bed nearly two hours late. (Tonight we won't get home from the concert until after 8pm, so that should be an even more interesting test.) I expected the middle one to be abominable in the morning, but she was perfectly pleasant, whereas the eldest was arguing vociferously about why her mom should be able to just tell her if the dishes in the dishwasher were clean, rather than her having to go and check! Sometimes it's hard to not just laugh in their face. Their mom, who also needs her sleep, was shattered, so I offered to drive the girls to the train station, leaving her with the youngest who was happy as larry. When I got home 20 minutes later, I found him crying in the hallway.

It was piano day and all the kids are afraid of their piano teacher, because she scolds them when they don't practice, and so Tuesday when they realise they haven't practiced all week -- despite their mother reminding them every single day -- they all get upset. (Although they never seem to learn from it.) So I assumed he was having another "stomach ache" -- which only happens on school days -- but it turns out he had gotten on Minecraft again, and when his mom asked him to come off he had given her lip, and she announced there would no longer be any computer time in the morning. (Oddly, he wouldn't admit that was what had upset him, but this is the same child who will assure you that in spite of the tears rolling down his cheeks, the trembling lips and between the choking sobs that he is absolutely not crying.)

So that's the last four days, in a rambling nutshell. I'm hopeful I'll get some more leads this week, but regardless of my situation I think we'll have to talk to the kids. Their dad may be back in town next week -- as usual, he hasn't communicated at all -- and so I don't want this hanging over their heads. It's not great timing simply because, although their parents divorced four years ago, they still haven't agreed on a settlement, so having someone else in the picture only complicates things. (I will have to do another post on the draconian and neanderthal New Zealand divorce laws...)