Crisis of faith

Who knew coming to Israel would result in a crisis of faith?

I guess they call it a "journey into Judaism" for a reason.  There's no "a-ha" moment, no accepting a saviour, no submitting to God.  It is all about learning and growing; the conversion process is only intended to give you a foundation to build upon.  It is like leaving college thinking you know everything, and quickly realizing you don't know anything.

Of course, if you're a born Jew, you know that no one can challenge you, but I lack that confidence.  Worse, as I converted Reform, about half the Jews in the world would not even consider me Jewish!  In the UK, I've associated with secular and progressive Jews, where I am often the most observant Jew!  However, in Tzfat there are many Hasidic and ultra-orthodox Jews who put me to shame.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to join them--far from it!--but their mere presence makes me feel like less of a Jew.  I can't read Hebrew, I don't understand a lot of their rituals, I don't feel comfortable in their synagogues, and I've heard at least six versions of "L'cha dodi"* that I've never heard before!  Rather than making me feel connected, it makes me feel alienated, and makes me question if I'm actually Jewish at all.

Hopefully this gives me the incentive to start learning Hebrew--not just being able to read it, but understand it--and perhaps it's just a reminder that there is still a lot to learn and experience.  I keep thinking that if I had a Jewish partner, this would be easier, but this is my journey, and no one can take it for me.


* Video from the Tzfat klezmer festival 2010