This really is not my week

I thought I set up my phone system (yes, I have a system) so if anyone called me on my VOIP number, it tried both my sim cards before going to voice mail. However, what it was doing instead was ringing for 10 seconds, then telling the caller there was no one available at this time, and disconnecting them! No message, no voice mail, nothing. So if anyone did try to call me last week (like say, an employer) I got screwed.

My computer went bananas a few days ago--for some reason, my firewall started chewing up all available memory, so the computer ran dog slow. It took me two hours just to boot the PC, start the task manager, and kill the process. Two hours! But here's the fun part: When I tried to uninstall the offending program, it said the program wasn't running (because I'd killed it) and so it couldn't uninstall it! So every time I reboot (and with Vista, that's daily), I can look forward to doing this again...

If you thought I was annoyed that my bank took five days to open my checking current account, get a load of this: I went to deposit my traveller's cheques and was told, "We don't take those." When I pointed to all of the signs around the lobby that read, "Ask me about 0% commission for your travel money," the teller went and talked to his manager, then told me he would take them. Then he gave me (get this) a hand-written receipt. I asked when the funds would be available and he looked me square in the eye and said, "I don't know."

Now, I'm really trying hard not to be an "ugly American," but this guy was really pushing it. I'm sure I said something sharp, and he had another huddle with his manager and told me "within 10 days." So I no longer have any money, I have a hand-written receipt, and I'm hoping the money just shows up within two weeks. (I wonder if they have a Western Union out here. I wonder if anyone would send me money.)

Meanwhile, I'm trying to transfer my retirement funds out of my old 401k and into a new account and, not surprisingly, the company that has my money (Fidelity) is making it impossible for me to withdraw it. I sent in a withdrawal form months ago and they rejected it, demanding a signature guarantee. So I went to every bank within walking distance and all of them refused, because I wasn't a customer, except my bank, which said they no longer do signature guarantees for anyone. So I sent the form to my investment advisor, who said she could get a signature guarantee, and she sent it in a month ago--Fidelity claims they never received it. So I've spent countless hours on the phone with Fidelity, letting them know that if it was so hard to get a signature guarantee in the US I certainly wasn't going to get one in the UK, and that they better figure out another way for me to get my money, and they've basically told me to sod off.

Oh, and did I mentioned that I've gotten zero calls on the resumes CVs I've sent out? Lovely, just lovely.

Fish in a barrel

I've been trying to write a personals ad, so I looked to other adverts for ideas. Well, I didn't get any ideas, but I got a lot of laughs:

london-101 - 37 - Seeking Women 18-30 - "I'm a regular kind of guy. I'm looking for someone hot, petite and fun. Not over size 10 please."

SexyEncounter342 - 37 - Seeking Women 18-35 - "make me 'obsessive' about you"

james_gy - 40 - Seeking Women 30-44 - "BOING! rebounding back...I'm decent looking, intelligent, amusing, interested - obviously in my own opinion. I do care, but I'm not obsessed. I can think of others. I'm not looking here for one-night stands, though I wouldn't..." [Sorry, the search screen only shows so much, and I wasn't about to open his profile because it would have recorded my 'interest.']

NickB69fab - 38 - Seeking Women 26-36 - "Fabulous is my middle name so I'm looking for a similarly fabulous girl.... No doom and gloom merchants please"

xsuperstarx - 38 - Seeking Women 27-37 - "the best god damn lovable rogue one is likely to stumble upon"

dwcmatch - 37 - Seeking Women 25-40 - "I'm the dating equivalent of the worst friend to get presents for...as nobody really knows what I want"

newhandsome - 36 - Seeking Women 18-35 - "Somehow he is bored filling out this one with smart comments, but lets see. Perhaps he comes up with some brilliant lines by the time.... Sorry, no brilliance in sight."

malerogue - 38 - Seeking Women 25-32 - "For sale: tall, intelligent and confident early 1970s model. One of a kind, produced in Scotland."

Vito142 - 40 - Seeking Women 25-35 - "The greatest gift anyone can give to another is love. Love is the greatest gift because love is our true nature; our untainted nature. All of us were born a clean slate. No one was born a criminal..."

christophermark6 - 36 - Seeking Women 25-35 - "Hello, I'm 34 years old and have been living on my own for just over a year now. Single life getting a bit boring now..."

Matt20v - 35 - Seeking Women 25-37 - "Hi, I'm a sarcastic, shy and considerate kinda guy..."

I swear that last one isn't me. (I'm 38.) But at least he would consider a woman 2 years older -- every other guy wanted a younger woman. And, although it wasn't displayed, I'm sure none of them would consider "a few extra pounds," either. (None of the names were changed, because these guys are jerks.)

But the good news is, if this is what I'm competing against, I should have no problems whatsoever...assuming I can ever finish the stupid profile.

P.S. If anyone has any good photos of me, I'd really appreciate copies. All of my pictures look like Marty Feldman, except this one that looks like Grizzly Adams.

You say tomato

At lunch today, I specifically asked for chips because I did not want fries...and of course I got fries. (I tried to get olives,but was pointedly told that was not a side.)

This morning I had a long conversation with the hotel owner about wi-fi, and every time he said "router" he pronounced it "rooter," which of course just made me picture the toilet snake. (Apparently that's a "jet" here.) After an hour of checking each room, I told him it would be very difficult to get a signal to all five floors, and since the hotel next door was already providing a free, unsecured signal to every room in his hotel, why bother? Of course, that kind of sucks for me, since I only get an intermittent signal in the basement, which was the whole point of me talking to him in the first place. (We also had a little dust-up over which was the "first" floor.)

Yesterday my computer said it was 17 degrees outside, which I mentally converted to about 50 Fahrenheit, and so I bundled up. Well, it's actually 63 degrees which, in England, is summer weather, so everyone else was out in shorts. Fortunately, I'm getting used to the staring.

Last night I went to see a movie film. Its ironic that I would go half-way across the world to see a Hollywood movie film, but it was that or open mic night at "The Troubadour," and I didn't think I could afford dinner. Then I found out the movie film cost £9 ($18)...

And lastly, I was browsing at the supermarket (a favourite pastime, since it's free) and saw Wensleydale cheese! I was so excited, I called my brother, who was the only person I knew that would get the Wallace and Gromit reference. He didn't. I am all alone in the world...

If you had to choose...

If you had to choose five television stations, what would they be? No, here's a better analogy: What if every state had to provide its own TV programming? No more national broadcasting, everything was strictly local. How awful would that be? I can tell you: You'd have programs based on urban gardening, hotel inspectors, talent shows, and "Strange Love: Men Who Love Cars."

How do I know this? Because that was the prime-time lineup in Britain this evening. On the bright side, I won't be spending much time watching TV here. On the down side, I was introduced to the term "mechaphilia."

Trials and tribulations

Yesterday started with a letter from my uncle that ended, "May you have a fruitless and despairing day fraught with the fallout of dismal failure." (He also said, "Up your giggy with a meat hook, sonny" but I'm not sure what that means.) How do you not love a guy like that?

I mentioned my new cell phone provider offered cheap international calls, but had a dead spot right at my hotel. Two doors down in either direction and I had great reception, but nothing at all in my room. Since the hotel wasn't likely to move, I went and got a second sim card, which has great reception plus cheaper local calls. So now I have one phone number for local calls, another for long distance, and a third for voip. (I also have a sim card for mobile broadband, which has its own number.) How I'm going to keep track of all this, I have no idea, but I'm sure I'll screw up and make a long distance call with the wrong sim card, which will cost me 37 times more!

My only other accomplishments yesterday were picking up my mail, applying for a bank account, and laundry. The bank will let me know within five days if they'll let me open an account. Now that I have a working cell phone, I can return calls for a couple of recruiters, so I hope today will be a little more productive.

Imagine

Imagine the post office selling insurance.

Imagine changing the quarter to a fifth (20 cents), the nickel as small as a dime, and the dime as big as a quarter.

Imagine all laundry detergents being labeled "bio" or "non-bio" (with no explanation of what that meant).

Imagine your checking account being called a "current account."

Imagine toothpaste only available as a paste.

Imagine "chips" being fries, chips being "crisps," and cookies being "biscuits" (sweet or digestive).

Imagine muffins being hard and dense.

Imagine having only five television stations, and having to pay an annual "license" to own a TV.

Imagine adding letters to words for no reason, such as "programme" and "manoeuvring."

Imagine cars no bigger than scooters, and scooters that look like cars.

Imagine driving on the right, but parking on either side, regardless of oncoming traffic.

Imagine double-yellow lines painted along the curb.

Imagine parks with fences and keyed entrances.

Imagine paying more to eat in rather than take out.

Imagine being in Britain.

Misery rain

They say Eskimos have 27 different words for snow; I just invented a new word for rain.

Today it drizzled all day, accompanied by a cold, blustery wind that made an umbrella both futile and frustrating. Apparently this isn't unusual, as most of the locals went without, walking about like it wasn't raining at all. I'm sure I stood out in my heavy coat and inverted umbrella.

In America the rain is more decisive--it either is raining or it isn't; in England, it thinks about raining.

Today was Memorial Day in the US and Spring bank holiday in the UK, which meant that everything was closed. As a result, my only accomplishment was getting a new sim card for my cell phone. When I got back to the hotel, however, I found I had zero coverage, so tomorrow I have to get a new sim card. Meanwhile, I made a couple of calls over the computer (using VoIP), which was like screaming at someone on the other side of the Grand Canyon, and did nothing to end my sense of isolation.

On a whim, I also got a mobile broadband account, which gives me 1GB of data for 10 pounds. However, given that I have no signal at the hotel, I'm not sure when I'll use it. Fortunately, I can generally get a wireless signal from the hotel next door.

I also spent a couple of hours at the store buying toothpaste and tissues. Most of the time was just spent looking around, since I recognize almost none of the brands, and very few of the products. Cheese here is not a food, it's an institution. Crackers take up two aisles. Cereal has the most unappealing names, such as "oaty breakfast." And they have "Kleenex for men," which is just an over-sized tissue, as if men had bigger noses. (Of course I bought it--I wasn't going to have some store clerk question my manhood.)

I was actually quite depressed today, partly because of the rain, partly because of the culture shock, partly because I can't talk to anyone, but mostly because London is much more expensive than I expected. With the weak dollar, my spaghetti dinner last night cost US $22! ($6 was because I forgot in Europe asking for water means a bottle of expensive imported water. I think the biggest industry in the EU is countries selling water to each other.)

Tonight was a US $10 take-away at a Lebanese restaurant, in the sitting room watching the UK version of "Weakest Link," finishing the rest of my bottled water. (For $6, you're damn right I took it home.)

Tomorrow I can finally get my mail, hopefully open a bank account, and start looking for a job...

Day One

Well, I'm a year late, but I finally made it to England. And naturally, I've already had several adventures:

• Everything went smoothly--getting to the airport, checking in, the flight, customs, right up until I got off the tube. There was a "way out" sign so I followed it, not realizing that there were two exits--one with a lift, and one with three flights of stairs. Needless to say, I took my two 50 pound (23kg) suitcases, large carry-on, and computer bag and went the wrong way. It was a cool day (60 F, 16 C) but I was sweating hard when I got to the hotel.
• My cell phone doesn't work here--I can't call out--and the handset is "locked" so I can't switch to another provider. The phone system at the hotel is broken--I can get calls but I can't make them. And the phone centre down the street is closed because it's Sunday. I promised my mom I'd call as soon as I arrived -- 7 hours ago -- so she's probably quite upset by now.
• I think I'm suffering jet lag in reverse. I advanced 8 hours, so theoretically I should be up all night. On the contrary, it's 6pm and I can barely keep my eyes open.
• I thought "takeaway" was fast food, but when I tried to get something cheap that I could eat while walking, all I could find were a McDonald's, KFC, and Subway. I did find a Whole Foods, however, so I bought a loaf of bread and a chunk of cheese. (That's more French than British, but I was still happy.)
• My "room" is 8' x 5' (2.5 m x 1.5 m). The sign on the door says "BROOM CLOSET". Still, it holds a twin bed, a desk, and a bureau--what else could I ask for? Oh yeah, a bathroom.

Just kidding, there is a private bathroom, and it even has a window. (The bathroom, not the bedroom.)