Spring is in the air, the birds and the bees are up to their old tricks, and while I actually hate to admit it, I met a girl who makes my heart skip a beat whenever she smiles, and all I want to do is lie in a field with her and watch bunnies.
Which, incidentally, is exactly what we did today.
In some sad, self-loathing way, I was actually hoping to find out our first date was just a fluke, that she couldn't possibly be as wonderful as I thought, or as lovely, and that I've been obsessing over her for nothing. However, in those terms, it was a spectacular failure. Not only was she just as pretty, but I went to her neighborhood and in the process of walking down the street, half a dozen people came over to say hello. And she'd only lived in that area for a couple of months! I've been in Reading for 9 months now and I can't think of a single person here who would recognise me, never mind say hello. :-(
Which brings me to the other major emotion I've been feeling: Inadequacy. It's funny, at some level I recognize how much I've accomplished in my life, but I don't derive any pride from it. On the contrary, it feels like it's no longer relevant. Years ago I took a personality profile (of one sort or another), and one of the things it said was that the clock started over every single day. I think that is absolutely true, and I wonder how that comes across.
In any case, I have no idea how she feels about me, or if anything will come of this, but the important thing is that she reminded me how dating is supposed to feel like. I've spent a lot of time with some really lovely people and I've certainly enjoyed every experience, but I haven't been "dating." So I've ended communication with everyone else I've been talking to, which wasn't easy but was necessary.
Watch this space.
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