When I grow up

I wrote this in 2007 or 2008. At the time I was trying to grow my hair long because I liked how Willie Nelson looked. (He was about 80 and I wasn't yet 40, so I'm not sure what I was thinking!)

When I grow up
I will wear my gray hair in a pony tail
Tied with a bright red band
And faded blue jeans
Sometimes with a vest and fedora
Or a shirt and cap
Maybe even a fishing hat or baseball cap
I will have a closet full of hats
And wear a different one every day

When I grow up
I shall sit on the park bench
And watch the people scurry by
And wonder why I didn't sit down long ago
I will smell the roses, and
Pluck a petal, to rub between my fingers,
Then give it to a small child

When I grow up
I will remember what it was like to be young
To fall in love, to discover new music,
To be passionate about everything
But long after the passion is gone
The love remains, a smoldering connection
Imbuing all of my senses
I shall not wish to be young again
But I will appreciate my life

When I grow up
I will finally be as old as I feel
I will cry at happy moments
And laugh at sad ones
I will love everyone (even if they don't know it)
And I shall find such peace
That when my time comes
I will not begrudge it

When I die
I want to be buried with my gray hair in a pony tail
Tied with a bright red band
And faded blue jeans
With a white shirt and a vest
But no hat
I will leave my closet full of hats
To someone who will
Wear a different one every day

Music to break up by

Dido's "Life for Rent" came on the other day and it took me back 9 years ago, to my breakup with Jess. In fact, I associate a specific album with every breakup in my life; or more accurately, I credit a specific album with helping me get through those dark periods. Dido's lyrics resonated with me at the time, like "Life for Rent"

I haven't ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
...
But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
'cause nothing I have is truly mine

"White flag"

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again

"Sand in my Shoes"

I've still got sand in my shoes,
And I can't shake the thought of you
I should get on, forget you
But why would I want to?
I know we said goodbye,
Anything else would have been confused
But I want to see you again

and "Stoned"

When I feel loved baby, I join the road
And the world moves with me
When I feel lost I just slip away
Silently, quietly take my things and go
And think what's the point
Think where's the hope we're coming home

In 2006 it was Mindy Smith's "One Minute More" helping me get to grips not only with my divorce, but my entire future falling apart, with songs like "Raggedy Ann"

So when did I get so broken?
I wouldn't notice...
Everything just breaks away from me.
Hey! When did I get so broken?
I wouldn't notice...
Everything important leaving me.
Falling apart at the seams.

"Angel Doves"

When it's hard for you to breathe
Keep a clear mind
When it's hard for you to be
Just to be yourself sometimes

"Down in Flames"

And I would tell you I am happy
If I wasn't so damn sad
And the loneliness both overwhelms and keeps me empty
That's how it's been for a while
And life's so hard
It's the little things that seem to be getting me today, yeah
Life's so hard
But I'm doing what I can not to be getting down
I'm going down in flames
Going down in flames

and "Hurricane"

I need a hurricane
To empty out this place
Seems it's the only way
To salvage any sense I have left
To move on

In 1992, Steve Winwood's "Back in the High Life" got me through the end of my first relationship with songs like "Higher love"

Worlds are turning and we're just hanging on
Facing our fear and standing out there alone
A yearning, and it's real to me
There must be someone who's feeling for me

 "The Finer Things"

I've been sad
And have walked bitter streets alone
And come morning
There's a good wind to blow me home
So time be a river rolling into nowhere
I will live while I can
I will have my ever after

 And "My Love's Leaving" (a bit on-the-nose, I'll admit, but more poignantly she kept our dog, Shadow)

Can't believe, only me
Shadows in purple thrill me
I cry myself awake each night
I can't believe that it's true
Here am I, oh, where are you

Recently, I've noticed these songs I thought were about break ups could equally apply to death. Songs like Hall & Oates' "She's Gone," Willie Nelson's "Always On My Mind" and "Loving Her Was Easier," Bill Withers' “Ain’t No Sunshine,” Alison Krauss' "Baby, Now That I've Found You," Frank Sinatra's "One for My Baby" -- all take on a very sombre tone when you imagine the singer lost someone they loved. In particular, Crosby, Stills and Nash, "Southern Cross" is haunting.

When you see the Southern Cross for the first time
You understand now why you came this way
'Cause the truth you might be running from is so small
But it's as big as the promise, the promise of a coming day

So I'm sailing for tomorrow, my dreams are a dying'
And my love is an anchor tied to you, tied with a silver chain
I have my ship and all her flags are a flying'
She is all I have left and music is her name

Think about how many times I have fallen
Spirits are using me, larger voices calling'
What heaven brought you and me cannot be forgotten
I have been around the world looking' for that woman girl

Who knows love can endure
And you know it will
And you know it will

The twenty-tens

Having dredged up "the noughties" in 2020, it seems only appropriate to repeat the exercise now.

	2010	2020	In between	What's next?
Work	Working for a small consulting company	Working for a medium-sized weather company	Worked for a large consulting company, worked for a tiny start-up	Get AWS certified and become a New Zealand citizen, then start looking for new work next year.
Computers	Running a crappy old laptop, that is still 20 times faster than my old desktop	Using a Microsoft Surface Pro 4 from work, possibly the only thing from Microsoft I've ever liked.	Bought a new (crappy) laptop when I moved to New Zealand in 2014, then when I joined the startup in 2016 they gave me a MacBook Pro. (My son has since claimed that.)	No plans.
Mobile	After toying with the idea of an iPhone, got a Motorola Razr that doesn't do anything	A Samsung Galaxy S7.	A Samsung Galaxy S3, S4, S6, S7 edge, S7, S8, S7. (I hated the S7 edge and broke my S8.)	I haven't bought a new phone since my S3 so I'm always a few years behind.
Music	My laptop, phone, alarm clock, and electronic organizer can play MP3s, but I stream most music over the Internet.	All of my songs are in iTunes, plus a family subscription to Spotify.	Last.fm was fantastic for finding years; I was so sad when it died. I hate using iTunes but the other music players I used all died or couldn't sync with my phone.	Get my dad's old records out of my mom's garage
Television	Have a 32" TV set, which I bought for $30	My wife had a 40" TV when we met, but she never watched TV.	I watch Daily Show, Stephen Colbert and Last Week Tonight on YouTube. Recently finished Good Place Ozark, Community, A Family Man and Upload on streaming TV.	Waiting for new seasons of Mrs Maisel, Mandalorian, Ozark and Upload.
Home	Renting a 1-bedroom flat in London	Renting a 5 bedroom house in Wellington.	Moved in with Jess, bought and renovated a home with Jess, broke up with Jess, lived in Reading for 3 years, was homeless for a few months, moved to New Zealand.	My wife and I are hoping to buy a house in February but I'm not allowed to do any renovation as that seems to be the death knell for my relationships.
Car	Don't have a car; have been using public transportation for 3 years :-)	Own a 2008 Volkswagen Touran 7-seater.	After living in the UK for two years, I bought an old, red Peugeot convertible that I had to scrap when I moved to New Zealand. My wife had a Toyota Wish but we bought the Touran off some friends who moved back to the States.	I've been saying "my next car will be electric" for 20 years now, but this time I mean it. Just waiting for one more child to fly the nest.
Microwave oven	Don't own a microwave	Don't own a microwave	When I moved in with Jess, she had a microwave, and when we broke up I rented a furnished apartment that had a microwave.	My wife feels the same way about microwaves that I do. They are evil bastards.
Photography	Just bought a Canon digital SLR camera	I take all my photos on my phone.	The SLR just can't compete with the convenience of a phone.	I should sell my SLR to someone who will use it.
The Internet	Regularly blast my friends with email spam	I've stopped spamming my friends.		God knows. I already feel like a dinosaur.
Comics	xkcd	Dilbert. (I write a monthly summary for the department and I always include a Dilbert cartoon, so I have to read a lot to find one that is relevant.	I loved User Friendly.	Any suggestions?
Books	"King Solomon's Ring" by Konrad Lorenz (published in 1952)	I've been reading biographies of late: John Cleese, Bryan Cranston, Trevor Noah.	Mostly everything I read now is technical, generally off the Internet and not cohesive. (A little bit here, a little bit there...)	Need to study for AWS certification.
Movies	Can't think of anything I loved, but still want to see Nowhere Boy, Up in the Air, and maybe Avatar	Anythingffrom Taika Waititi.	Lots and lots of Marvel films...	I really want to share the classics with the kids but they don't have the attention span for a 90-minutr film.
Health	Overweight, not exercising.	Overweight, not exercising.	I joined a gym, started taking a lot of yoga classes again, even went a year without eating gluten...and didn't shed a pound.	Need to join a gym again.
Relationship	Engaged, talking about having kids.	Married, three stepkids (about to turn 16, 18 and 20!)	Hard to believe they were 8, 10 and 12 when I first met them!	The eldest has moved out and is attending uni; the middle child graduates high school this year and hopes to spend a gap year in Israel.

The noughties

I wrote this in 2010 but never published it...
 
The end-of-decade celebrations have included a lot of timelines, so I thought it would be fun to contrast my life then-and-now.

	2000	2010	In between	What's next?
Work	Working for a large consulting company	Working for a small consulting company	Became an independent contractor for Honda; opened a bed and breakfast	Renew my work permit in May, and then who knows?
Computers	Running a 486 on Windows 98 with a dial-up modem, hooking up to a public server in Colorado to access the Internet.	Running a crappy old laptop, that is still 20 times faster than my old desktop	Went through 3 computers, including building a desktop from scratch two years ago; now it's a doorstop; bought laptops for nieces and nephews	Upgrading to a new netbook next year, with Chrome OS
Technology	After years of saying I would never have a mobile phone, finally bought one	After toying with the idea of an iPhone, got a Motorola Razr that doesn't do anything	After years of saying I would never get an electronic organizer, finally bought one (and when that broke, I bought a used one that was even older)	Again toying with the idea of an iPhone
Music	Ripped most of my albums to CDs. This was a laborious and time-consuming process, and took so much space I deleted the music off my hard drive	My laptop, phone, alarm clock, and electronic organizer can play MP3s, but I stream most music over the Internet.	All of those CDs died, so I lost all of that music again. Ripped all of my CDs to MP3 files. Bought a record player, but sold it when I moved to London.	Get my dad's old records out of my mom's garage
Television	Had a 20" TV set which was already 10 years old	Have a 32" TV set, which I bought for $30	Didn't watch much TV until I got Tivo in 2003. Only shows I watch regularly are Doctor Who and The Daily Show.	Get rid of my TV. (Went 6 months without one and didn't miss it.)
Home	Had a 3-bedroom house in LA	Have a 1-bedroom flat in London	Moved 9 times (twice back to LA)	Moving in with Jessica, and buying a house together in May
Car	I had just bought a '98 Pontiac Sunfire convertible, forest green	Don't have a car; have been using public transportation for 3 years :-)	Left it in Pennsylvania; I have no idea why	Moving out to the countryside, and will need to buy another car :-(
Microwave oven	Didn't own a microwave	Don't own a microwave	Never bought a microwave	Jess has said if we move in together, a microwave is non-negotiable
Photography	Had just bought a Canon SLR camera	Just bought a Canon digital SLR camera	Got really into photography for several years, then lost all interest	Jess just gave me her old digital camera, because I kept complaining the SLR was too heavy to lug around
The Internet	Didn't know anyone who had an email address	Regularly blast my friends with email spam	Started four blogs, built three web sites, and still completely missed the digital revolution	Toying with a Twitter account
Comic strips	Dilbert	xkcd	I still miss Calvin & Hobbes	Fail blog
Books	"A Sand County Almanac" by Aldo Leopold (published in 1949)	"King Solomon's Ring" by Konrad Lorenz (published in 1952)	Read a whole lot of books on business process management and historical home restoration	Haven't read any fiction for about 15 years, so I have a lot of catch-up
Movies	Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon	Can't think of anything I loved, but still want to see Nowhere Boy, Up in the Air, and maybe Avatar	Lord of the Rings!	Alice in Wonderland, The Rum Diaries and the A-Team :-)

Washington, D.C. (September 2008)

Every year, we spend one week's holiday with Dawn's family and one week with my family, which leaves zero weeks to go any place new. To cope with that, I've tried to add side-trips to Philadelphia, Maryland, etc. This year we weren't going to do that. In fact, I booked flights into Lancaster Airport, just 15 miles from the farm, so we wouldn't even have a chance to go elsewhere!

We planned to go over Memorial Day and I bought plane tickets on sale in February. Dawn put in a leave request which was...denied. Apparently Dawn had told her co-worker about the trip the day before, and her co-worker then submitted a leave request for that same weekend, and the firm didn't want both of them on holiday at the same time.

To say Dawn was furious would be an understatement, but I was equally upset because the sale was over and rebooking the flights would cost twice as much! However, I was able to get flights into Baltimore for a small increase. That's when I realised we could make a side-trip to Washington, D. C.

Friday night we took the red-eye to Baltimore, arriving Saturday at 6am, drove an hour to Washington D. C. I'd been watching the weather and it had been hot and muggy, so I convinced Dawn not to pack any heavy clothes. Of course that night a storm had moved in and it was raining and cold! We stood in line in 50-degree weather wearing light windbreakers for an hour and a half to get tickets for the White House. Considering all of our holidays, this was not a bad start.

The White House was a very understated experience, but in a good way. Having been through some of the more ornate castles in Europe, I rather liked knowing that the President of America lives in something less than opulent. (And that he gets kicked out when his term is finished.)

We went to the Smithsonian which, I quickly learned, is actually nine separate museums along The Mall. We started in the Aviation museum, which has the original Wright flier, the Spirit of St. Louis, and several of the Apollo capsules. Dawn summed it up neatly when she said, "It’s just a bunch of dumb planes and stuff." Fortunately she found something she liked--the Albatross Condor, a precursor to the Albatross Gossamer that flew across the English Channel under human power.

We walked back to our hotel and crashed for a couple of hours, then headed off in search of food. We headed for a french restaurant just a few blocks away, but to get there we had to go through three empty parking garages, down two dark alleys, and across an open field. What I gained from this experience was a stark appreciation for the homeless problem in DC.

We walked into the french restaurant and quickly realized our jeans-and-t-shirt ensemble would not fit in with their black tie affair, and quickly departed for a seafood restaurant a block away. It was much more laid back and the reason quickly became obvious: The "rum buns" they served as dinner rolls were about 40 proof! Since I don’t like alcohol, I couldn’t eat them, but they did serve as excellent candles.

After dinner we drove to the Lincoln Memorial. It was surprisingly crowded considering it was midnight, but I got a couple of nice pictures while Dawn memorized the Gettysburg address. We then went to the Jefferson Memorial, which (I thought) was even more impressive. By this time, however, our legs had completely collapsed and we had to be carried back to our hotel.

The next morning, we drove into the outskirts for a wonderful french breakfast (eggs benedict seemed so appropriate in the capitol), then walked past the Supreme Court and through Congress. Again it was gratifying to note that these buildings were still reserved and stately without being ornate or showy. We walked to the front of the Congress and watched several ducklings cavort in the reflecting pool. By this point we were already hopelessly late so we grabbed a sandwich and raced across town to the Vietnam Veteran’s memorial. We had about ten minutes to appreciate it, so we took about an hour. Of all the historic sites, natural wonders, and scenic splendor I have rushed past with barely time to snap a few pictures, the one place I slowed down was just a list of names on a wall, many of whom died before I was even born.

I also recognized, with no small amount of indignation, that there was no memorial to WWI and WWII veterans. Being a pacifist, this may be a strange thing for me to say, but it seems to me that of the billions Congress wastes each year, it could find a little decency to "waste" some of it here.

We finally moved on, racing back to Pennsylvania before it got dark. The farm was essentially unchanged with the exception of five new wolves. Lucky and Lady, two black wolves, had been born in the pack, but not to the alpha female. She had tried to kill them so Dawn’s mom was hand-raising them. Fortunately we missed the hourly feedings (and hourly clean-ups) and had arrived just a few weeks after they had moved outside, in a pen of their own.

The rest of the week I spent planning for the rest of my life. Essentially, I’m looking at a major money pit out in the middle of nowhere and being told that is where I’m going to retire to. Now a sane man would just walk away, a brave man would just say no, and a smart man would convince Dawn that she would really rather retire in Hawaii. I did none of these. But before I sank my entire retirement portfolio into a piece of property that I didn’t even own, I wanted to shore up this investment somewhat. So Dawn's mom and I squared off and started negotiating, the practical upshot of which is that I’m going to sink my entire retirement portfolio into a piece of property that I don’t even own. But, as my uncle would say, at least I get to pet the wolfies.

House update (Jun-Sep, 2000)

We'd been told the roof needed to be replaced four years ago. It was "wood shake," which had since been banned in California because of the fire hazard, and was well past it's 20-year lifespan. We preferred the look of shake over shingles, because it's thicker and has more character, but composite shake costs about $8,000 more! So we ate PB&J all year and saved our pennies, but when we were finally ready to commit we found a company that had just started producing a thicker shingle, so we could do the roof and save the $8,000!

Dawn did some back-of-the-envelope calculations and figured $1,500 to remove the acoustic ceiling and $3,000 to put a cover over our deck, even though neither of us could remember why we wanted to do that in the first place. That left about $3,000, so I started calling spa places.

The cheapest new spa was $5,200 but I found a used spa for $950. He even delivered it, but I didn't have anywhere to put it--I didn't want to leave it in the yard while the roof was replaced--so I put it in the garage. On Dawn's side. She did not take having to park in the street for a month well.

Still in the garage were the sliding french doors we bought in '97 to replace the regular french doors that lead out to the deck-cum-spa. We hadn't planned to buy new doors but I'd mentioned my plans for the hot tub to my neighbor John (the general contractor) and he was picking up some doors for a job one day and saw these selling for half price. Apparently it was a custom order that had been cancelled, so they were just trying to get rid of them. John agreed to buy them, dropped them off at my house and gave me the bill. (In hindsight it was a great bargain and they fit perfectly, but at the time I was a bit...perturbed.)

First the roof guy came out. The first thing we learned was that all of the quotes we received weren't for the thicker shingle Dawn liked; that cost $1000 more. Then we found out the fascia around the house would cost another $1000. We cancelled the acoustic ceiling and the cover over the deck, but then Dawn decided she needed gutters, so the cost went up another $500.

Over the deck-cum-spa was a large opening in the roof. We'd talked about installing a skylight but somehow I convinced Dawn that it would be nice to keep the opening--you could see the stars, you didn't have to worry about steam, etc. The day before the roofer arrived, Dawn took me to the deck and pointed at the two inches of leaves, and let me know she had just cleaned the deck last week. I ordered the skylight that afternoon, for $700.

The next week the spa guy came. He looked at our five-foot-wide deck, then at our five-foot-wide spa, and asked us if we knew what the hell we were doing. Then the door guy came out. He looked at the current French doors, then at the sliding French doors which were one inch short and five inches wider, and asked us if we knew what the hell we were doing. Then the drapery guy came out, because we wanted tiebacks on the sliding door, just like the ones on the french doors in the guest room. The drapery guy pointed out that you can't attach tiebacks on a sliding door, announced we didn't know what the hell we were doing, and left.

Next came the paint. I looked at the French doors, then at the 1" paintbrush I had, and I asked Dawn if she knew what the hell I was doing. Dawn also re-painted the back deck, partly because it desperately needed it, but mostly because we'd replaced a couple of the boards to hide the last vestige of the pine tree that had once grown through the deck, and we needed the paint to match.

Finally the plaster man came out. Two years ago we had replaced two doors with windows but decided not to repair the plaster until the spa was in. He looked at the spa butt up against the stucco and asked us if we knew what the hell we were doing.

I thought we were done, but one of Dawn's coworkers announced that they'd just taken down a brick wall, and so had 600 bricks they were giving away. The house used to have brick walkways on both sides of the house, but when we moved in they were both in bad condition and we ended up scavenging the (rarely used) west side to finish the (high traffic) east side. Dawn decided this was an opportunity for us (read, "me") to refinish the west side. After three truck-loads of bricks, I declared the walkway finished. (And every time Dawn points out the big gaping holes, I again declare the walkway finished.)

And then we were done. We'd spent almost $17,000. Dawn got a new roof, a new set of doors, a new brick walkway, four new dining room chairs, the deck was fixed, the stucco was repaired, the carpets were cleaned and I GOT MY HOT TUB!!!

Before and After photos

Living room. Note the "atrium" is two levels and goes down to earth. Unfortunately it's north facing so doesn't get much sun. We put in a koi pond and a ficus tree.

Back yard. Originally a wooden fence overgrown with ivy; when we pulled that all out we were pleasantly surprised to find the neighbors had built a nice cement block fence on their side. We planted more ficus trees; in two years they were over ten feet tall.

Master bedroom. We installed a giant skylight to try and increase the sunlight in the atrium.

Front fence. The original was only finished on the outside and was in very poor condition. We decided to replace it but the local by-laws now said a front-fence could only be two-feet tall! We decided to ignore that, but put in trellis so it looked more open, and some bushes to soften it. The city never noticed.

 

The front yard. 20 years of neglect had left the yard barren and rock-hard. After turning it over, we ordered some turf and in one day had created a lawn.

 

The garage. I have no idea what they were thinking when they decided to build a garage but no door into the house. Dawn's truck barely fit in the garage, so the stairs had to be specially built to accommodate that.

The back yard. I originally tried to make a grass path but the walnut tree did not allow enough sunlight, so it was eventually replaced with brick.

 

The guest room. Later it became the piano room.

 

The deck-cum-spa. I don't have an after photo but imagine new doors, a spa taking up the entire deck and a skylight.

 

The kitchen. It was hideously ugly but perfectly functional, so the only thing we did was put in the curtains.

 

More of the split-level living room. Including the koi pond, I had over 1,000 gallons of water. Thankfully we never had any major quakes while we lived there.

The west side. This was almost inaccessible and I had no plans to do anything, but the neighbor wanted a cement block fence so we ended up splitting the cost. Unfortunately it damaged the roots of the avocado tree and it didn't produce for several years.

Gender is not binary

Or is it?

(at a McDonald's in Wellington) 

Fish Update 37 (July 1995)

I think this was the last one I wrote, and ironically it had nothing to do with fish. It was a rambling mess and I'm not certain I ever sent it. (At least, I hope I didn't.) The previous one had been shortly after my father passed away, and this covered from March 1994 to July 1995. I include it here for completeness, but I don't recommend reading it.

I can't believe we’re halfway through 1995 already and it’s been over a year since the last Fish Update. So much has happened, I just couldn't keep up. At one point I tried to keep an audio accounting, but by the time I filled the second tape, transcribing all of it was too daunting. (I’m thinking of releasing fish updates in audio format, though. Bobcat Goldthwait could read it.)

Employment Update

As everyone knew, I was not satisfied with my job. Sure, coming in at 9, leaving at 4, and taking two hour lunches was nice and spending most of the day surfing the 'Net was fine, but in two years all of the projects I worked on had been cancelled before implementation, so it was not very satisfying. More than that, though, I wanted a raise. 

Last July I started floating my resume. Launching a river might be more accurate, as I must have sent out nearly 200. I got my first interview almost immediately, and a job offer two days later. It was a good offer at a good company, but I turned it down because I wanted to see what else was available. It took another two months before I got another offer.

The most ridiculous moment was when I realized I had an interview in Newport Beach at 1pm, and another in Simi Valley at 4pm. Even in light traffic that was a two-hour drive, and there's no such thing as light traffic in LA. I ended up cancelling the first interview. About five months later, that guy called me and said he was now selling nutritional supplements and wondered if I was interested. Very odd.

I applied to a consulting firm that specialised in Unix. My only experience with Unix was with one particularly awful system the Air Force rolled out to all of its bases. I'd volunteered to support it because it meant I got to attend a Unix system administration course. When I got back, the first thing I did was accidentally delete every file on the server. (Thankfully I knew enough that I was able to restore all the files before anyone noticed.) I bluffed my way through the interview and was quite sure I'd never hear from them again.

However, they called back that afternoon to set up a second interview, and the day after that, they called to make an offer that was 25% more than what I had asked for! My first thought was the Groucho Marx line, “I don’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as one of its members.”. I accepted immediately.

I started two weeks later, terrified I was going to be discovered as a fraud. However, I was put on a project supporting some old code for an investment company *by myself.* It was ideal because I didn't have to worry about other people seeing my mistakes! I put in a lot of long hours but I loved it. I was also working in downtown LA and, after some trepidation, I really came to love the downtown area. 

The only downside of working downtown (besides the traffic) was that faded jeans and t-shirts cut it; I need some suits. I ended up spending my first two weeks' salary on clothes. 

School Update

I had taken an auto repair class at the community college just so I could change my own oil. Ten days before Christmas we had a final, but the teacher said everyone who had an "A" was exempt. I was genuinely surprised to find I had an A, but I didn't tell Dawn. Instead, on the night I should have gone to class, I went to the mall and did some Christmas shopping. When I got home, Dawn asked how the final went and I said something vague, like I thought I might get an A. I'd never gotten away with anything before, but she bought it!

The next day Dawn called me at work and asked what I'd been doing at the mall last night. Apparently her boss saw me. I wondered if I could get home before she changed the locks. I imagined all my nice new clothes laying out on the lawn. I thought about telling her that must have been somebody else, but in the end I just said, "I love you." "Uh-huh," she replied.

Las Vegas Update

My parents' accountant moved to Las Vegas about five years ago, which my parents were thrilled about because it meant they could write off a trip to Las Vegas once a year to get their taxes done. (They were also personal friends.) After my father passed away, my mother filed an extension and then completely forgot about her taxes. One Thursday she called and said she had to file by the end of the month! We checked out calendar and discovered the only weekend we were available was...the next day.

The plan was to leave work early on Friday, get on the road by 6 and arrive by 10. The reality was I left work an hour late and my mother arrived two hours late. By the time we'd eaten dinner it was 8:30. Somebody told me it was a four hour drive but it turned out to be five and that didn't include the hour I spent trying to drag Dawn and my mother out of the first casino we passed. We finally arrived at 3:30 in the morning and our hosts were not amused.

The last time I'd been to Vegas was about six years before, and it was pretty dull because I was underage. Now it was dull because I didn't drink or gamble. I did check out the new casinos that had been built: The Luxor was fairly impressive from the outside but the interior looked like it had been slapped together by a fourth grader. The Mirage had a 10,000 gallon salt tank but it was filled with tacky day-glo fake coral. The pirate battle outside Treasure Island was actually quite cool, but hard to appreciate when crushed in by 3,000 people. One building still under construction was Bob Stupak's "Stratosphere." Or, as the locals call him, "Bob Stupid." His idea of building the tallest structure in the world was fine, but putting it on the flight path for McCarran airport was not.

In the end we all got our  taxes done and our hosts were so lovely I've already arranged to come out next tax season.

Consultant Update 1

About a year ago, Dawn started noticing problems with her server at work. The person who installed the system suggested changing the motherboard, but I said that was ridiculous, motherboards don't go bad.  Unfortunately I said that in front of Dawn's boss and the next thing I knew I was their new computer consultant.

I had no idea what I was doing, but I'd come in after my day job and spend hours fiddling with the system. At first, I thought it was one of the network cards. I swapped it with a new network card, which worked fine for about 12 hours. The next day, Dawn called and we ordered pizza and spent the whole night trying to figure out what was wrong. I tried a different network card with no success, and in desperation I tracked down a network card that was exactly the same model as the original card and it worked fine. (So much for generic, interchangeable parts!) after all this I wrote up a bull for the new network card and two hours of labor. I was too embarrassed to admit how much time I'd actually spent on it. I also forgot to include tax in the bill and had to pay that out of pocket. As a computer consultant, I was effectively charing about $6 per hour, which was less than minimum wage. 

Dawn's boss of course was thrilled, and asked me to upgrade the server. Of course the first thing I did was take a backup. (No, seriously, I did.) The tape backup unit had about three years worth of dust and it indicated it would take about 2.5 hours so I wandered off to the mall for two hours. When I returned, I was greeted with this message, "Tape full, insert new tape."

I took a look and decided it had backed up the important stuff, so I aborted the backup. I pulled the hard drive out just to get its specs; it also had about three years worth of dust. I couldn't read how big the hard was so I decided to turn on the PC and check that way. As soon as I flipped on the power, smoke started pouring out of the hard drive.

I immediately turned off the computer and prayed the smoke was just from the dust, but when I tried to reboot the computer it told me there was no hard drive. Thankfully I'd started this on a Friday night so the next morning I was able to run out and buy a new hard drive. I went to install DOS but I had 5¼" disks and the computer only had a 3½" drive. Thankfully I was able to pull a 5¼" drive from another machine and got it sorted. By now it was late Sunday, I still needed to restore the backup and it had to be ready for Monday morning.

When you use a program to backup data, you typically need that same program to restore the data. Of course, when I changed the hard disk, I lost the backup software, as well. Miraculously, after ransacking the boss' office, I found the original disks in the back of an unlocked drawer. I installed it, started the restoration process, went and got dinner, then came back for a victory lap only to find two directories were completely empty. After a panicked phone call, Dawn said she wasn't sure what those folders were for, or even what might have been in them, so I quietly decided to ignore it and see if her boss noticed. (She didn't.) 

After spending an entire three-day weekend on it, I submitted a bill for the new hard drive and...five hours of labor.

Tile Update

After the earthquake destroyed my parents house, my mother rented a condominium. One day there was a water leak by the front door and the plumber had to pull up some tiles to access it. The tiled section was tiny - maybe four square feet - and my mother worked for a tile company so she got a quote and the landlord just gave her the cash to take care of it.

Meanwhile, I happened to be at Home Depot one night and saw they were offering a free class in tile laying the next day. It was a one hour lesson and the instructor made it look quite easy, so I convinced my mother to let me do the job.

The following Saturday I drove to her place and the first thing I did was mix up a batch of the cement, as it takes a while before it's ready. Then I started removing the old tiles only to find an ants nest colony under there! I found some ant spray and took care of them, then proceeded to remove the old cement. Nobody told me this would take over two hours! (I also managed to get several large chunks of cement in my eye, which is not a pleasant experience.) 

I then laid out the new tiles but all I had was a manual tile saw so it took forever to cut them properly.  (I butchered about 15 before I finally got the hang of it.) By this time, the cement I'd mixed up five hours ago was almost past its usable life, so I decided to quickly set all the tiles and then move them as needed. That's when I discovered you can't move them after they're in. But it was okay; they actually looked pretty good.

The next day, I came back to do the grouting. Again, it actually looked pretty good...from the ground. Dawn went up the stairs and looked down, then ominously said, "Uh, could you come here for a second?" I replied, "If it's a problem, it's too late to do anything about it." She told me I needed to come up so I did and discovered that what had looked straight and level from eight inches away looked ragged and crooked from ten feet away! 

If I was a good son (or even a good person) I would have ripped everything up and started over, or just let a professional fix it. Instead, I decided that since it was a rental, it didn't really matter. My mother covered it with a throw rug and we never discussed it again. 

Fish Updates 1-12 (1991-1992ish)

My first "real" job was as an IT trainer at the Los Angeles Air Force Base. It was a ridiculous job -- teaching people how to use WordPerfect and Lotus 1-2-3 and, later, Windows -- but I enjoyed it, partly because I was part of the IT support team so I got to learn a lot of other things, but mostly because the "office" was a large room filled with about 40 cubicles. The cubicle walls were about six feet tall so you could only see your immediate neighbors, and I was in a corner so nobody could see me. Since my parents didn't have a basement, it was the next best thing for a would-be hacker like me.

Because of the way the cubicle was oriented, the corner of the office was wasted space, so I decided to set up a fish tank. What possessed me is a mystery -- my only previous experience with fish was when I was about eleven, I kept a dojo loach in a 1-gallon iced tea jug, but I had no idea what I was doing and he didn't last terribly long. (And who sets up a fish tank at work?!)

For my 21st birthday, my girlfriend gave me a tall 4 gallon (!5 litre) hex tank that was perfect for the space. One of my co-workers said he raised angelfish and he would be happy to give me some once my tank was cycled. I had no idea what "cycled" meant so he dragged me to a fish store and we bought (for a quarter, I think) a feeder goldfish. The owner told me to bring the fish back in a month and he'd feed it to an oscar (a large freshwater fish). That's how the goldfish got his name, "Oscar Appetizer."

Oscar was friendly, alert, and totally hyper. All of my co-workers loved him, but when the tank was cycled and the angelfish were ready to move in, I couldn't keep him. (He was already too big for the 4 gallon tank.) I was going to return him to the shop but another friend happened to see a 30 gallon (115 litres) tank at a garage sale for $25 and decided to "surprise" me with it. I didn't really want it but I set it up at home (not at work!) and took Oscar home. A co-worker had been inspired to get her own goldfish, Horton, and she "loaned" him to me to help cycle the big tank.

Meanwhile, the two angelfish (named Mephestofeles and Lucifer, or Mephe and Lu for short) and an upside-down catfish (originally named "hsiftac" with a silent-h) moved into the small tank at work. A month later, the office was scheduled to be painted so I took the fish home. I then started sending "Fish Updates" to the team to keep them apprised. It was, effectively, my first foray into blogging. (And believe me, it shows.)

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Fish update 1

(Around January 1991)

Well gang, it's been an exciting weekend in the Fish Zone. Noting how enthusiastic most of you have been regarding the fish, and since you haven't been able to get your "Oscar fix" (that early morning rush that came knowing that an animal with a brain smaller than a pea was thinking harder than you were at seven in the morning), I thought I'd keep you posted.

It's been six weeks since I bought my thirty gallon tank at a garage sale, with appropriate assurances that it didn't leak. When it leaked, the tank spent a week at a recommended aquarium dealer. I then took Oscar and Horton home to cycle the big tank, and then I took the small tank with the two angelfish and upside-down catfish home while the office was painted. One weekend, I swapped tanks: Oscar and Horton were moved back into the four gallon tank, and the angelfish and the upside-down catfish were moved from into the 30 gallon.

Now, you must understand that Angelfish are fairly finicky eaters, and in my exuberance I tended to overfeed them. They wouldn't eat the leftover and decomposing food, and so it collected on the bottom of the tank, which I would attempt to clean out occasionally, but not very successfully. Well, I didn't realize just how unsuccessfully until I dropped the two golds in the tank. They ate for three days without my adding a drop of food. The tank is now spotless, and both Oscar and Horton are twice as large. This is a problem, because the tank is still the same size. (By the way, I'm thinking I could set up a children's pool in an empty cubicle for a "koi pond"--what do you think?) Horton has been returned to his mom, Julie.

Meanwhile, the thirty gallon tank housed two small angelfish, one catfish, an inch of gravel, and a rock. It was not the most impressive sight, and my father's attempts to improve things by adding a can of Coke were not appreciated. I added another upside-down catfish. He was temporarily named something I couldn't spell, so it was changed to "Kermit" (from the front he looks a great deal like a brown version of the muppet. He and the other cat got along swimmingly, and I've actually seen them on a couple of occasions!

My girlfriend chose a black lyretail molly and a white lyretail molly and named the former "The Unsinkable Molly Black" and the latter "The Unsinkable Molly White." When first introduced, the Angelfish chased the black molly all over the tank, but left the white molly alone. Since then, the Angelfish have become known as "The Foothill Division."

On Sunday, another trip to the fish store resulted in a net loss of about a hundred bucks, but in the net gain of two red-tailed sharks (which have orange tails) and six neon tetras, all of which remain unnamed as of this morning. I also purchased another rock, a piece of wood, and some plants, all resulting in a much more pleasant-looking aquarium. Unfortunately, none of you can see it, as Polaroid pictures of moving fish through water and glass do not seem to come out very well.

I decided to try my hand at hatching some brine shrimp. The instructions called for water, epsom salt, and aquarium salt. I used water, eight-year old epsom salt, and Morton rock salt. (The recipe called for two teaspoons of salt, but the smallest bag was five pounds--anybody need some rock salt?) Nevertheless, the brine shrimp still hatched, so I dumped maybe a teaspoonful of shrimp into the tank. BLOOM! Within moments, that tiny amount of shrimp and blossomed and filled the tank, clouding it completely. I thought I'd asphyxiated the fish! Fortunately, an hour later, the fish were just fine. Still, I don't think I'll try that again -- I'll stick to frozen bloodworms and TetraBits.

One of the neons died. It was my first fish loss. Imagine how much easier everything would have been if I could've let Oscar go as easily. I thought about taking the fish store up on their three-day return policy, but I wouldn't have been able to go until tonight, and I don't think many of you would have appreciated my bringing a dead tetra to work and letting it sit on my desk all day. I know I wouldn't have.

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Fish update 2

(Between February and April, 1991)

Less you lose touch with my fish, here is another exciting fish bulletin!

"Flushed" (aka Spike) was taken home last night amidst complaints he was dead. Initial attempts to transport him in his bowl (with no lid) were quickly abandoned, and he was transported home in a manner befitting his station -- in a Taco Bell cup. On the way home I stopped off at the fish store again and dropped another seventy bucks or so. There will be a "Save the fishes" fundraiser taking place in the back corner of the room until further notice. Cash or check contributions, in any amount, are always welcome.

Surprisingly, "The Foothill Division" did not bother Flushed. Therefore, one of the red-tailed sharks beaned him immediately. That shark has since been moved to Oscar's tank as punishment.

The "neon massacre" mystery continues to rage. A quick re-cap of events surrounding the deaths of two-thirds of my neon tetras while the remaining third seem perfectly healthy:

• Sunday, day 1. Six neon tetras are added to the tank. One is found lying on the bottom of the tank later that night, and is flushed down the toilet without inspection.
• Monday, day 2. Nighttime. The remains of one of the neon tetras are found in the mechanical filter. It is impossible to determine the cause of death because of the severe mutiliation, probably caused by the filter.
• Tuesday, day 3. Morning. One of the neon tetras is missing. His body has yet to be found.
• Wednesday, day 4. Morning. One of the neon tetras is floating at the top of the tank. He has a slight depression over one eye, but otherwise appears healthy. Dead, but healthy.

If you or anyone you know has any information regarding this case, please proceed immediately to the "Save the fishes" contribution corner and report your suspicions. Your anonymity is guaranteed. Cash reward if you can state the number of remaining tetras. Amount of your reward based upon the amount of your contribution (required).

Horton and Oscar should be returning tomorrow, depending strictly upon how I feel in the morning.

Next fish update at anytime. Next scheduled fish update when I feel like it.

If anyone would like to be removed from my "fish" group, please visit the "Save the fishes" contribution corner at your earliest convenience.Contribution required.

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Fish update 3

(Between March and May, 1991)

You will all be thrilled to know, the "neon massacre" ended as abruptly as it began, without rhyme or reason.

I went to the fish store again (I gotta stop doing that if I ever hope to be solvent) and added another four neons (to replace the lost ones), four guppies (see paragraph after next) and another betta splenden. I'm calling the new betta "Freebie" because the cashier didn't add him to the bill, and I didn't correct his error. I considered putting the two bettas in the same tank, but I didn't have the heart. (Males bettas always fight to the death when put together. Must be too much testosterone.)

A plant broke free of the gravel a couple of days ago and was floating on the surface of the water. When I went to remove it, I noticed quite a few fish were enjoying its presence. Therefore, this weekend, I bought four guppies, who are all top-water swimmers, and some floating plants. Need I say more? The guppies are quite pretty when you can catch a glimpse of them darting in and out of the plants. I also had to anchor the plant in some airline tubing to keep it from bashing the brains out of the guppies.

The mollies may or may not be mating. Several people have expressed their desire that I do not use the babies as a treat for the rest of the fish. I've expressed my desire that if they want the babies, they can have them, but not in *my* tank.

The two red-tailed sharks are still unnamed. It's kind of a cross-up at the moment between "Snidely Whiplash" (referencing the quasi-barbels on the snout which resemble a pencil mustache), "Red Skelton" (noting their white mouths compared to their charcoal bodies, giving them a clown-like appearance), "Charlie Chaplin" (due to the twitching of the mouth while eating), or "Albert Einstein" (because of the general facial characteristics). I'm not particularly sold on any of these; I'd much prefer two names which take into account the fact that one chases the other all day long, and that they look like they're swishing mouthwash after they eat. Any ideas?

One last comment: I thought I'd try my hand at breeding the next-best thing: Turquoise discus. California Aquariums has a pair for $175. The "Save the fishes" contribution corner will have a special account set up all this week entitled "Breed the fishes," where your donations will be used for the purchase and maintenance of these discus.

Also, you'll be glad to know that the "Save the fishes" contribution corner, while still not accepting major credit cards, will now allow you to deposit your paycheck (or any other check you have) directly into the "Save the fishes" checking account.

Tomorrow I'm going to dump Spike, Horton, and Oscar into a six gallon garbage can and bring 'em back to work.

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Fish update 4

(Around May 1991)

Remember back to the first neon massacre? Of six neon tetras added to the tank, one died or disappeared every night until only two were left. If all of them had died, I would have given up on that fish (for awhile, at least) but two survived. Unfortunately, this is a schooling fish, and I felt guilty, so I bought four more, all of which died, three on the same day Spike committed suicide. But the original two (or what look like the original two) survived!

... So I decided the cause of death was pH shock and this Saturday I bought six more (from a different shop, just in case) and put them in a plastic bucket with water at a strict pH of 7.0, just like the water they came from. (My tank hovers at about 7.2, which shouldn't have been enough swing to kill them, but I don't know...)

I had also bought some more gravel for my tank, so I drained out half of the water and was adding the gravel, when I heard a noise which sounded like a TV turned to a dead station. I glanced up and noticed I'd left the heater plugged in, and it was out of the water! I quickly unplugged it but a moment

later --

The glass heater cracked asunder, sending shards everywhere and generally freaking me out! It was late but I jumped in the car, flew down to the only fish store open at 9 o'clock, bought a heater, stuck it in the tank, and cranked it up. Then I went to bed, completely forgetting to check the tank's temperature. I realized this when I woke up out of a sound sleep. Normally, fish should be kept at between 72 and 74 degrees, but more important than the actual temperature is the stability. My tank was 86 degrees and it had gone from 72 to 86 within six hours. I spent two hours getting the temperature under 80, and was not a happy camper the next day.

To add insult to injury, the next week I went to do a water change and I remembered to turn off the heater, but when I was finished I forgot to turn it back on!

One morning, my girlfriend and I went to the swap meet, hoping to find some equipment (both fish and computer) for a decent price. HAHAHAHAHA. If you want brand-name merchandise for less, don't go to the swap meet. If you want cheap, illegally-imported products which don't look like they'd last until they got to the car, then you go to the swap meet. Fortunately, we were able to pick up some cow hooves for the dogs.

That night, two of the neon tetras were floundering, one was leaning, and one had disappeared! This makes two missing neons! I think I have Cheshire Fish! Three neons survived. Fish update 5 when they've all died, and then a special "Fish Auction" for two indestructible neon tetras. Let's see, I've lost 11 neons (with the probable addition of 3 more) at an average cost of about $1.99, so we'll start the bidding for the indestructible neons at, say, $14? I just want to break even, you understand....

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Fish update 5

(June 5, 1991)

Mephistopheles and Lucifer Angelfish, of Thomson Hatchery, are dead. When I left for work one morning last week, they were fine. When I returned that night, Mefi had passed away and Lu was struggling. I isolated him and he survived until morning, but left us sometime the next day.

The large tank seems very empty nowadays, and watching it is often painful.

I almost wish I had left well enough alone and kept the two angelfish cramped in the four-and-a-half gallon tank. I bought three baby discus, and though they despise beef heart with a passion, they are growing quickly. Looking on the bright side, in a few months I would have had to buy another large tank to house the discus. Now I don't. Some bright side.

The remaining fish appear quite healthy. Someone keeps nipping my guppies tails, and Red keeps chasing Al (the two red-tailed sharks) unrelentingly, but they're all fine. The live plants I had put in the tank never really seemed to take root, and they developed snails, so I finally just threw them all out. I'll pick up some plastic plants one of these days and stick with that until I know more about that aspect of aquatic life.

The turquoise betta has finally stopped chasing The Unsinkable Molly Black around the tank. I would be hard pressed to make a "Foothill Division" joke about this, everything being what it is. The Unsinkable Molly White is, presumably, gravid (or extremely fat) and has been for nearly a month now. If she's waiting for "greener pastures" before she gives birth, she's got a long wait. I've already set my mind that this batch is going to replace the frozen food I usually feed the fish. Anyone want to start a pool on how many will survive? The guppies also seem pregnant but they'll eat their own, anyway, so don't bet on any survivers. (I wonder if they eat their own on the assumption that the ones they can catch wouldn't make it anyway, or if it is strictly a "culling" instinct which they only practice in cramped quarters...? If it's the latter, why can't Man follow the same practice?)

Well, it is extremely difficult for me to write about the other fish's minor problems with Mefi and Lu gone. Also, it is simply impossible to be light-hearted about fish at the moment. Thank goodness Oscar is still kicking, despite the recent passing of Horton and Who.

Look for Fish update 6 when I can keep more than 15% of my neon tetras alive more than four days, learn to douse plants in salt water to kill snail eggs which may be hiding on them, remember to turn off my heater when it's out of the water, quit introducing fish carrying deadly diseases, etc., etc., etc.

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Fish update 6

(June 10, 1991)

Thursday night, while saying good-night to my fish, I noticed some dark, flitting motion at the top of the tank. At first I thought it was some ugly insect I was going to have to remove, but instead I discovered about a dozen tiny fish swimming about. Judging from their size, and the fact that some were white, some were black, and most were grey, I quickly surmised that the gravid white molly had finally given birth.

At first I thought it was some cosmic activity which had caused, in the shadow of Mefi's and Lu's death, this re-juvenation within my tank, this show of life overcoming death. But then I realized that these babies, while too large for any of the other fish to eat, would have been just the right size for Mefi and Lu. So much for a cosmic consciousness.

Anyway, I counted thirteen mollies and then left them there for the night, partly because I didn't have any other tanks to move them to, and partly because I didn't care what happened to them. I did, however, feed the other fish a little more food.

In the morning, I counted thirteen fish, so rather than go and buy a new tank, I just bought a breeding trap. This is a plastic box you put on the side of the tank (presumably in the water) with slits to allow water to circulate. I put the fry in, only to find within seconds they were all over the tank again! Now it was time to read the directions....

It seemed the trap was actually supposed to expel the fry into the main tank, but keep the mother away. This isn't what I wanted at all! There were lots of little plastic pieces in the box that the directions didn't bother to mention, but I finally pieced together how you were supposed to cover the slits in the breeder trap, and I tried again. Within seconds, the fry were all over the tank again, and I realized they were swimming under the plastic piece!

In desperation, I took my thermometer, shoved it against the bottom plate, and suctioned it to the side. It held! I scooped up the fry and dunked them in and they stayed! For a little while at least. By morning, two were free, a third one that night, and another the next morning. Ad infinitum. I still don't know how they're escaping, but I've still got thirteen.

In other news, I had great fun (read: not) when I tried to take the top off my undergravel filter tube, and the entire tube came up! Gravel immediately filled in the hole, so I couldn't just shove it back down. Instead I had to drain some

of the water so I could reach the undergravel plate, and it wasn't until too late that I realized the mollies, trapped in the breeder near the surface, had been beached! I quickly dropped the entire trap in the water, and they all swam out into the tank. That's okay; I'm becoming quite the expert on rounding the little guys up.

Other than that, all of my live vegetation has now been replaced by plastic. I had too many troubles with the stuff, first not rooting, then just rotting, then finding a snail. Maybe in a couple of months, when I am settled in my new apartment, I'll try again.

Well, that's it. No heaters exploding, no fish dying, just thirteen new editions. I think I'll hatching some more brine shrimp for the babies...

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Fish Update 7

One, or possibly both, of my guppies gave birth a few days after the mollies. Unfortunately, while the molly fry were too large for anything currently in the tank, the guppies were "just right." Trying to save them was like trying to take candy away from a baby -- easy in your mind, difficult in reality. I only had a shot at four, but I threw them in the nursery where, of course, they swam right out again and got eaten. My biggest concern was not for the guppies, however; I'd heard about discus getting a hold of live food and never returning to powdered/frozen food again. I don't want to deal with live food, mainly because I would more than likely raise it instead (see "Oscar Appetizer"). Fortunately, they had their little party and then ate the frozen bloodworms and frozen water fleas when they were proferred, so we're okay.

In the confusion, I lost track of one of my baby mollies. It was nowhere to be seen, so I gave it up for "eaten." For the next solid week I consistently counted 12 mollies every day. Then, a few days ago, I counted 13, and it has been 13 ever since. Clearly, I have a David Mollyfield in that batch! Anyway, the mollies are becoming much better defined. They no longer look like strings with eyes.

By the way, the white molly, after having her fry, has stayed as plump as the day she gave birth. It has been suggested that she is simply an old fish and not capable of "snapping back" like these young fish. I do not know. The black molly is clearly still interested in her, but then again, she is still the only other adult molly in the tank.

Cory and Kermit have slowed down quite a bit since I removed the live plants. I guess they just don't like imitations.

The discus are becoming bluer (if that's a word) by the day. Perhaps in a couple of months, when I'm settled in my new apartment, I'll invite y'all over to see the tank. Tanks, I suspect, by then. Of course, I'll probably have to sneak them in using 10 gallon water jugs.

And Oscar, good old Oscar, often overlooked in these fish updates, is keeping me company in my corner. If you haven't seen him recently, perhaps you should. People who saw him three days ago come over and say "Wow has he grown!" Unfortunately, his tank still hasn't. It's getting kind of scary.

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Fish update 8

Well, of my original thirteen molly fry, less than half survived. My second fry were the guppies, of which none survived. If they ever become pregnant again, however, I've got a nursery and everything. They'll live, or else! (What the heck am I talking about--the last thing I need is more fish!) My third fry was the molly's second, and estimates placed it between 25 and 30. (Do you know how hard it is to count thirty strings-with-eyeballs in a fast current??) We'll see how these fare. And if they do fare well, they'll still up for grabs. No choosing, please.

In other news, the discus were finally officially christened: Papa Bear, Mama Bear, and Baby Bear, respective of their size. I had been contemplating Steven, Tom, and Harry, in honor of the Chapin brothers, but A) I didn't think I could keep track, and B) Nobody knows who the Chapin brothers are.

A little over a week ago I saw Cory (one of the upside-down catfish) with a swollen abdomen. I assumed he/she/it was pregnant, and so subsequently panicked. The next day I noticed Kermit (the other upside-down catfish) had a similarly swollen belly. I figure the odds of having two females who had been able to hide their pregnancies for over seven months was a little too unlikely, and that they'd just had a really good feast after I went to bed.

Sightings have since borne this theory out.

Beyond that, one of the neon tetras looks pregnant. However, it is an egg-scatterer, and I vacuum the tank gravel every other weekend, so unless it has a really short gestation period, and have very large fry, don't hold out much hope.

Oscar bids you peace. And asks you for a handout. I pray you do not feed him; I worry about coming in one Monday and finding him wrapped around the inside of the tank, biting his tail, without enough room to move.

I've been thinking about investing my life's savings to develop, produce, and market a fish tank for the automobile. I can't decide if it should rest on the dashboard or hang from the interior light. Anybody want to go in on this with me?

Finally, the Save the Fishes Contribution Corner has been renamed the Save the Fishes Investment Corner, where you can buy stock (small fish) that are guaranteed to grow! See me today!

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And when I kissed a cop down on 54th and Vine, he broke my little bottle of

FISH UPDATE #9

For Lennon fans: Number 9...Number 9...Number 9...Number 9...

Number 9...Number 9...Number 9...Number 9...Number 9...Number 9...

Number 9...Number 9...Number 9...Number 9...Number 9...Number 9...

Number 9...Number 9...Number 9...Number 9...Number 9...Number 9...

Well, first off, I'd like to thank all of my kind supporters, as well as my constructive detractors, for making the Fish Update series one of the most successful ventures ever attempted about my fish. We're up to #9 and there's no telling when these fish stories and anecdotes will ever, if ever, stop. Kudos to everyone who has refrained from threatening me with bodily harm as a result of having read the first 8 fish updates.

It's been a hard couple of weeks in the fish corner, almost as bad as the time we lost 16 neon tetras. Almost as bad as losing Mefi and Lu, the angelfish. Almost as bad as losing Horton, although there is still an investigation going on as to whether or not Horton died of natural causes, or if someone took out some hostility in a really inappropriate way...

Three guppies died last week, one after the other, with no apparent cause nor reason. The fourth one, a male, is just as healthy as can be, although noticeably less happy than when there were two females in with him. One of my teen-age mollies also died. Apparent cause of death: Choking. I found him with food hanging out of his mouth. I've got to teach those guys the heimlech (sp?) maneuver...

I brought Oscar home with me on Saturday, because everyone kept saying he was too big for the tank. As a temporary measure, I put him in the 30-gallon tank, with the baby mollies and the discus, none of which are too happy with me at the moment. Surprisingly, though, Oscar hasn't bothered anyone. He's just as hyper in the big tank, but he doesn't bang his head nearly as often. Current contributions to the "Save the Fish corner" will be dedicated to a pond for Oscar.

I rinsed out the small tank which, of course, is a terrible idea if you want to keep the good bacteria alive, but I was more interested in getting the brown algae dead. I then started to move the teen-age mollies into the small tank, when I noticed a smaller-than-usual molly. I checked the momma molly -- svelte.

Uh-oh. I pulled the top off the tank -- hundreds of mollies everywhere!! Aiiiiiigh! A third batch!

I started collecting baby mollies, which wasn't easy because I hadn't fed Oscar. It wasn't that he was eating the mollies; he was just his usual rambunctious self, he'd nip at the net, bump against the nursery, rub against my hand, and wriggle at the top of the tank, splashing water everywhere! I'd estimate this batch to be well over 50!

The five teen-age mollies (as opposed to the pre-teen and baby mollies) went with me in the small tank to work, where they will be hanging out until further notice. Two have been claimed; the other three are free to good homes. Good homes means, of course, that they are not to be used as feeder mollies, that they receive heat and filtration, and they are regularly fed. If you don't have a home, please feel free to visit, but kindly refrain from feeding them -- I don't want another full-blown brown algae attack going on in there.

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Fish update 10

What a week it's been in my life, never mind the fishes!

I am now, for the first time in my life, living alone. I can do things like play the radio all night, throw the towels in a canadel (sp?) on the floor, have dirty dishes scattered about the apartment, and leave the toilet seat up!

I can also sleep right through my alarm clock, watch my towels evolve into another life form, spend hours scrubbing my dishes, and put the toilet seat down to avoid a mess.

That empty apartment that looked so small suddenly shrank to half its size. And that closet which I thought was way too big for my needs -- well, let's just say that you might be able to squeeze in there now, but I wouldn't place any bets on your ability to squeeze out.

(Look, if I'm not funny, it's because I mangled my right-hand middle finger in the move, making typing difficult.)

(Look, I realize I have a track record of not being funny, but THIS TIME I would have been funny! Really, I know I would have been hilarious, had it not been for the death complaints.)

So I moved in, and all of my stuff moved in with me. Then I went out and blew most of my savings on more stuff. My fish have been lacking so I could have such amenities as towels, and pots, and some beach chairs. I'm telling you, convict me of fish abuse and lock me away!

As I mentioned, this was the first time I've lived by myself, and so I had to buy all the "little things" in life, and I missed a few things. First, I forgot to buy shampoo. Of course, I didn't realize this until my hair was completely wet. Second, I forgot to buy a comb. 'Nuf said.

When I started writing this, it wasn't going to be a Fish Update. It was going to be a Gregg Update. But I know that if I labelled it "Gregg Update," nobody would read it. So I called it Fish Update and, serendipitously, I went and picked up my fish last night and moved them to the apartment. I'll cover that just as soon as I tell you all of the neons and the betta are dead. I'm pretty sure Oscar ate all of the neons, and I think the betta died of obesity. At least it didn't commit suicide like the last betta did.

First, poor planning was evident from the start. All I had was a six gallon garbage can, a two gallon jug, and a car. I drained the water from the tank into the garbage can, realizing (again) that I'd "beached" the mollies that were trapped in the nursery box at the surface. I put the whole nursery into the garbage can which, in hindsight, probably caused most of the carnage. (I know how sensitive most of you are, and so I'm trying to lead up to this tragedy in a gentle way, only occasionally dropping subtle hints like "carnage" and "tragedy.")

I then proceeded to terrorize all of the fish with a net, and throw them into the garbage can. Imagine three discus, two sharks, two catfish, an adult molly, a dozen pre-pubescent mollies, and about fifty baby mollies in a small garbage can. Then I threw in Oscar, and everybody freaked.

The fish waited while I drained the thirty gallon tank using the two gallon jug. After about twenty gallons, I decided that was enough, and with muscles that were going to make me pay later, I was able to hoist to my car. What I'd forgotten was that when I first moved this tank, I had to lay it on its side in the back. Well, now I had five gallons of water in it, and that wasn't an option. What I finally ended up with was the tank perched precariously in the passenger seat, threatening to go through the windshield every time I hit the brakes, the fish in the back seat, and the stand sticking out of the hatchback. Incredible, that I can summarize forty-five minutes of back-breaking agony into such a short and pleasant paragraph, isn't it?

When I arrived, I pulled the utility can off the front seat and found there was a baby molly in the puddle I used to call my back seat. I picked it up with the intention of making friends with a local alley cat, and the darn things leapt from my fingers, did a double-pirouette, and landed squarely back in the middle of the seat! Not too bright, these baby mollies. I picked him up and threw him back in the garbage can (I overcame my aversion to touching fish a long time ago -- last week, I think). I smuggled the fish into my apartment because, while the manager doesn't care, I think if my neighbor downstairs found out, it would strain our relationship.

I set everything up and started filling the tank, in two gallon increments. The sink wasn't large enough to accommodate the jug, so I had to use a piece of tubing to redirect the water. Twelve-odd trips later, having soaked two shirts, the entire floor, and my toaster oven, the tank was full, and I started to plug in the appliances.

I get the filter and the air pump and the heater going, finally. I go to transfer the fish and that's when I saw the mass of non-wriggling bodies at the bottom of the utility can. I dumped everything that moved into the big tank, and then started to total the bodies. Fifteen baby mollies and one pre-pubescent molly, died in transit and were given a burial at sea. (I wonder which sea I was dumping them into, now that I'm south of Santa Monica bay?)

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Fish Update 11

(...and Bachelor update 2)

Commute update: My commute takes almost exactly as long now that I'm living 28 miles away as it did when I was living 41 miles away, which is about an hour. The only difference is that before I was averaging 41 miles per hour, and now I'm averaging 28 miles per hour. That additional 13 mph was apparently a critical part of my mental health; I no longer have any.

If you guys have ever taken the 405, there is one thing you'll find lacking: Trucks. Relatively few big trucks take the San Diego freeway. While I had noticed this before, I hadn't realized its significance until I started driving a truck-commuter freeway. Monday, there was a car involved in an accident between two trucks; the car was missing most of its outer body panels. You know, you see a steel skeleton rotting in a junkyard and it isn't very interesting. But to see a steel skeleton and realize that Friday you may have passed that car on the way to work...it's a whole other story.

Warning: Readers who may be offended by strong language and graphic situations should not read the following passage. Parental discretion is definitely advised.

Bachelor update: While I've never actually lived by myself before, I believed that I'd learned most of the lessons. Wrong. Tuesday I realized I needed some clean underwear (there! I said it!) but it wasn't enough to fill the washing machine, and I couldn't wash my polyester clothes in the same temperature, and my sheets didn't need cleaning, so I thought I'd wash my towels with my underwear. Now, don't think me stupid, when I first bought the towels last week I immediately washed them, by themselves, in hot water. Thus, I assumed it was safe to wash them with my whites. Wrong again. I am now the proud owner of a complete set of pink socks, underwear, t-shirts, and even a pink business shirt, though I'm sure I don't know how that got in there. ...

As a bachelor, I'm proud to say that I already have food rotting in my refrigerator! Yesterday, I threw away some ground beef (unopened) which had passed away on the 25th or so. Yesterday my milk expired, but I have yet to throw it away. Then again, I have yet to open it. I always wondered why powdered milk had been created, and who used it. Now I know.

The only sore point is my bathroom. I keep the toilet clean, the lid down, the towels hung up, and the cap on the toothpaste. What do you expect from someone who goes home every night and has to desperately fight the urge to alphabetize my paperbacks? I finally threw away all of the boxes that the dishes, the toaster over, the clock radio, etc. came in. So it shouldn't be long before they start breaking down. I'm still in search of a sofa, so if anybody has a brand-new, never-been-used sofa they'd like to sell at a decades-old, worn-to-the-nub sofa price, I'm your man! I'm also looking for a hide-a-bed, in consideration of all the people who have expressed interest at crashing at my place rather than driving all the way to their home. Of course, not as many people have wanted to crash at Buena Park as they did in Valencia, but I suspect that is a result of the hamburger and milk incidents.

Fish update: I bought another copy of Aquarium Fish Magazine along with a couple of cow hooves for my pets. Even though I've never gotten a single bit of useful and accurate information from AFM, I keep buying copies, probably because of all the articles they have on koi ponds. Speaking of which, I've already got the sight of the koi pond set; I'm just waiting for my landlord to go on vacation before I build it. I tried convincing them that the pool would make a nice showpiece if we converted it to a fish tank, but they shot that down pretty quickly. Anyway, the magazine stated that synodontis nigreventris (the common upside-down catfish) did better in schools, and in African lakes they could often be found schooling by the thousands.

Now, much as I love my cats, at six bucks a pop I wasn't about to buy a thousand more cats just to make both of mine happy. Still, I was flexible: Monday I bought two more. They're making a brief appearance at my corner tank, but they're almost acclimatized to local water conditions now, and will therefore be disappearing home soon (where they will undoubtedly hide under a rock and never be seen again, just like my present two cats). If you've never seen a fish swimming upside down, clearly you've A) not had enough to drink, or B) ought to make a beeline for my corner.

Other than that, the discus did something this morning they haven't done before: Actually come to the surface when I fed them. Maybe I'm starving them, maybe they're just getting comfortable, maybe they prefer the significant lack of fish in my tank (although one Oscar makes up for a whole lot of baby mollies, guppies, bettas, neons, and whatever else has died in there).

Meeting update: This will be in a separate message, as I plan on inviting everyone, not just my aquatic aquaintances. (i.e. the .Fish group) Also, I understand some members of the .Fish group do not read the Updates in a timely manner. (This wouldn't be you, would it?)

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Fish Update 12 -- The final chapter

Once again, it's been an exciting week or two in the underwater realm!

About two weeks ago, I decided to acquire another tank. A friend of a friend suggested charity shops and Sundays at Harbor college.

I went to my local Salvation Army but nobody spoke English well enough to understand "Do you have any fish tanks?" so early Sunday morning I drove to Harbor College. For some reason, I assumed he'd suggested this because some local fish group got together and sold equipment on the side. However, it turned out it was a flea market.

I HATE FLEA MARKETS!

Still, I was already there so I wandered all : One a large, empty forty gallon tank, another a small, dirty, twenty gallon tank. The latter I didn't even bother bartering for, but I offered $30 for the forty gallon tank. He accepted immediately, so I know I made a bad deal.

One quick note: The tank was designed for snakes and did not have a glass top. Instead, it had a screen which slid out the side of the frame, rather than lifted off. This becomes important later.

I loaded it in the car and brought it immediately to the base. (This was over the three-day weekend, which was a four-day weekend for me, so I had to feed my mollies sooner or later). My plan was simple: Fill the tank, see if it leaked or burst, empty it into the plants, and take it home. I placed the tank on some paper towels on the table out back (the one with the astroturf), slid open the top and inserted the hose, which immediately fell out. I turned the tank around, shoved in the hose, then shoved the tank against the umbrella pole so the sliding lid would hold the hose in. (Got a good mental picture of this? You'll be quizzed on it later.) I started filling the tank, and stopped it just below the top and checked it. Not a leak or a bust in sight! Wonderful!

I decided to fill it to the top then, and here's where that mental picture comes in handy. Because the lid slid out, the top lip of the front glass was not attached to anything. I didn't think of that as I attempted to fill it to the top of the wood frame. Only when the water started cascading off the table did I think, "Hmmm...maybe something's wrong?"

I spent the next half hour and most of the towels in the men's bathroom (I don't know if I would have resorted to the ladies' bathroom if I needed to) soaking that up. Then I went to empty the tank. How was I going to empty the tank? Well, I hadn't thought of that. It held 40 gallons and one gallon of water weighs roughly 8 pounds...picking it up and pouring it out was not the most realistic possibility. Okay then, how about scooping out the water? No problem, except I'd shoved the tank against the center umbrella post, and it was too heavy to even slide over, leaving me with roughly an inch of access. I could deal with that. I got one of my plastic cups and started in.

Half an hour later, I'd removed about ten gallons and could slide the table out far enough to use Tanya's orange scoop. Another half hour went by and almost all the water was gone, so I leaned the tank against a flower pot and collapsed in a heap. When I'd recovered, I collected my belongings and went home.

I didn't have any place to put the tank at home, of course. In fact, the only table I had was where my borrowed TV was sitting. Good enough; I removed the TV, hoisted the fish tank, and then worried over the fact that the fish tank hung out about four inches over each edge. Let's see, that was 40 gallons at 8 pounds each, if that were suddenly dumped on the downstairs apartment...?

I spent roughly $150 over the next two days buying support equipment for the $30 tank, installed it, poured in about twenty gallons of water, and then went to get Oscar to cycle it. I couldn't do it, though. I couldn't just throw my precious Oscar into an unknown body of water! I threw in a baby molly and, when it was still kicking the next day, -then- I threw in Oscar.

Two days later, the molly was missing. While I was scolding Oscar, I saw Red, the aggressive red-tailed shark, pegged Al, the submissive red-tailed shark, so I grabbed a net, snatched up Red, and dumped him in with Oscar.

Then I remembered Red had been the one terrorizing Oscar for the past couple of weeks! Oh, well...

The next morning, Red was dead. Another apparent suicide, although at least this time his body wasn't found across the entire room! (You do remember Flushed's (aka Spike's) suicide, don't you?) Also the last remaining guppy was dead, for reasons which remain shrouded in mystery.

I had been gradually adding water and was now up to the thirty gallon mark when someone pointed out this 250#+ fish tank was balanced on a sewing machine table that it didn't fit on, which had four spindly legs which, furthermore, were designed to collapse! I grudgingly agreed and we moved it down to the floor, where it currently waits for a new home. (Anybody have any coffee tables they want to distribute freely (or at least very cheaply) which are a minimum 36" wide by 16" deep, and preferably around 24" high? The appearance of the table top is -not- important.)

On Friday, I decided I wanted to restock my supply of neon tetras -- the kind Oscar ate before. It wasn't until Sunday that I found a fish store with tetras in stock, and I bought 4 neons and 4 glow-light tetras, which are roughly the same shape but have a neon orange line down the sides. One died in transit, so I opened the bag and removed it. The rest were dropped, still inside the bag, into Oscar's tank, and hooked onto some airline tubing to keep it from drifting. (I needed to gradually equalize the waters they were in with the waters they were going to be in). About two hours later, someone told me the tetras were escaping! Sure enough, the bag had worked its way free and Oscar was having a field day chasing neon tetras around the tank! Everyone immediately pitched in to save the tetras (save for a few individuals who shall remain nameless that were cheering Oscar on), and dumped them in the other tank. Several people say they saw Oscar eat a neon (and another neon was already half-dead from natural causes, so we fed that one to Oscar), leaving 5 in the small tank. All were accounted for and the party, perhaps a little sadder and wiser, continued.

After the party, when I was collapsed on the day-bed, I noticed a flash of movement in Oscar's tank. I leaped to the tank and there was a neon tetra swimming about the tank! A-ma-zing! We had five people actively searching the tank previously, so I find it hard to believe this neon could hide in the tank anywhere other than Oscar's stomach. But, regardless, he was alive, so I flipped him into the small tank. On Tuesday morning, the remaining 6 were alive and healthy. Must be that adrenaline rush they got which helped them survive. I should try that with all my new fish!

Finally, this afternoon I was sitting in my cubicle, talking on the phone, watching my fish, when I noticed a small speck drift past in the tank. I looked closer and discovered it was a very small fish. I glanced up and saw lots of very small fish swimming at the top of the tank. The mama molly had given birth to the fourth batch of babies, right here at Small Computer Support! I guess that makes most of you Aunts and Uncles!

I whisked a few people over to the tank to see, and they politely pointed out that Julie's betta and my mama molly were quietly munching away on the fry. I grabbed Julie's recently-abandoned tank, added some water, and dumped in as many babies as I could, while the other fish ate as many as they could. In the end, though, I had quite a few babies in the tank. They're available for viewing anytime you are. We may even organize a "Guess the number" lottery to see who can come to the closest to the number of babies there are.

Of course, the tank was hardly suitable for life forms, so I rushed off to various pet stores and dropped $25 on miscellaneous stuff. I should be able to squeeze the rest onto a ten-spot. Remember: The Save the Fishes Contribution Corner is going strong. The Fin and Tuna Bay Taker television show is currently being produced to bring our message to everyone who's ever had the urge to reach deep into the pockets to keep someone from being "called home," so that same-said person can continue to preach about how wonderful it will be when we are all "called home."

Well, that's it for this week's edition of the Fish Update. Hope it was enough to satiate your appetite. And you don't have to worry about that "Final chapter" bit -- I'll never stop inundating you with mindless and meaningless fish anecdotes. But then again, you pretty well knew that, didn't you?