Fish Update 37 (July 1995)

I think this was the last one I wrote, and ironically it had nothing to do with fish. It was a rambling mess and I'm not certain I ever sent it. (At least, I hope I didn't.) The previous one had been shortly after my father passed away, and this covered from March 1994 to July 1995. I include it here for completeness, but I don't recommend reading it.

I can't believe we’re halfway through 1995 already and it’s been over a year since the last Fish Update. So much has happened, I just couldn't keep up. At one point I tried to keep an audio accounting, but by the time I filled the second tape, transcribing all of it was too daunting. (I’m thinking of releasing fish updates in audio format, though. Bobcat Goldthwait could read it.)

Employment Update

As everyone knew, I was not satisfied with my job. Sure, coming in at 9, leaving at 4, and taking two hour lunches was nice and spending most of the day surfing the 'Net was fine, but in two years all of the projects I worked on had been cancelled before implementation, so it was not very satisfying. More than that, though, I wanted a raise. 

Last July I started floating my resume. Launching a river might be more accurate, as I must have sent out nearly 200. I got my first interview almost immediately, and a job offer two days later. It was a good offer at a good company, but I turned it down because I wanted to see what else was available. It took another two months before I got another offer.

The most ridiculous moment was when I realized I had an interview in Newport Beach at 1pm, and another in Simi Valley at 4pm. Even in light traffic that was a two-hour drive, and there's no such thing as light traffic in LA. I ended up cancelling the first interview. About five months later, that guy called me and said he was now selling nutritional supplements and wondered if I was interested. Very odd.

I applied to a consulting firm that specialised in Unix. My only experience with Unix was with one particularly awful system the Air Force rolled out to all of its bases. I'd volunteered to support it because it meant I got to attend a Unix system administration course. When I got back, the first thing I did was accidentally delete every file on the server. (Thankfully I knew enough that I was able to restore all the files before anyone noticed.) I bluffed my way through the interview and was quite sure I'd never hear from them again.

However, they called back that afternoon to set up a second interview, and the day after that, they called to make an offer that was 25% more than what I had asked for! My first thought was the Groucho Marx line, “I don’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as one of its members.”. I accepted immediately.

I started two weeks later, terrified I was going to be discovered as a fraud. However, I was put on a project supporting some old code for an investment company *by myself.* It was ideal because I didn't have to worry about other people seeing my mistakes! I put in a lot of long hours but I loved it. I was also working in downtown LA and, after some trepidation, I really came to love the downtown area. 

The only downside of working downtown (besides the traffic) was that faded jeans and t-shirts cut it; I need some suits. I ended up spending my first two weeks' salary on clothes. 

School Update

I had taken an auto repair class at the community college just so I could change my own oil. Ten days before Christmas we had a final, but the teacher said everyone who had an "A" was exempt. I was genuinely surprised to find I had an A, but I didn't tell Dawn. Instead, on the night I should have gone to class, I went to the mall and did some Christmas shopping. When I got home, Dawn asked how the final went and I said something vague, like I thought I might get an A. I'd never gotten away with anything before, but she bought it!

The next day Dawn called me at work and asked what I'd been doing at the mall last night. Apparently her boss saw me. I wondered if I could get home before she changed the locks. I imagined all my nice new clothes laying out on the lawn. I thought about telling her that must have been somebody else, but in the end I just said, "I love you." "Uh-huh," she replied.

Las Vegas Update

My parents' accountant moved to Las Vegas about five years ago, which my parents were thrilled about because it meant they could write off a trip to Las Vegas once a year to get their taxes done. (They were also personal friends.) After my father passed away, my mother filed an extension and then completely forgot about her taxes. One Thursday she called and said she had to file by the end of the month! We checked out calendar and discovered the only weekend we were available was...the next day.

The plan was to leave work early on Friday, get on the road by 6 and arrive by 10. The reality was I left work an hour late and my mother arrived two hours late. By the time we'd eaten dinner it was 8:30. Somebody told me it was a four hour drive but it turned out to be five and that didn't include the hour I spent trying to drag Dawn and my mother out of the first casino we passed. We finally arrived at 3:30 in the morning and our hosts were not amused.

The last time I'd been to Vegas was about six years before, and it was pretty dull because I was underage. Now it was dull because I didn't drink or gamble. I did check out the new casinos that had been built: The Luxor was fairly impressive from the outside but the interior looked like it had been slapped together by a fourth grader. The Mirage had a 10,000 gallon salt tank but it was filled with tacky day-glo fake coral. The pirate battle outside Treasure Island was actually quite cool, but hard to appreciate when crushed in by 3,000 people. One building still under construction was Bob Stupak's "Stratosphere." Or, as the locals call him, "Bob Stupid." His idea of building the tallest structure in the world was fine, but putting it on the flight path for McCarran airport was not.

In the end we all got our  taxes done and our hosts were so lovely I've already arranged to come out next tax season.

Consultant Update 1

About a year ago, Dawn started noticing problems with her server at work. The person who installed the system suggested changing the motherboard, but I said that was ridiculous, motherboards don't go bad.  Unfortunately I said that in front of Dawn's boss and the next thing I knew I was their new computer consultant.

I had no idea what I was doing, but I'd come in after my day job and spend hours fiddling with the system. At first, I thought it was one of the network cards. I swapped it with a new network card, which worked fine for about 12 hours. The next day, Dawn called and we ordered pizza and spent the whole night trying to figure out what was wrong. I tried a different network card with no success, and in desperation I tracked down a network card that was exactly the same model as the original card and it worked fine. (So much for generic, interchangeable parts!) after all this I wrote up a bull for the new network card and two hours of labor. I was too embarrassed to admit how much time I'd actually spent on it. I also forgot to include tax in the bill and had to pay that out of pocket. As a computer consultant, I was effectively charing about $6 per hour, which was less than minimum wage. 

Dawn's boss of course was thrilled, and asked me to upgrade the server. Of course the first thing I did was take a backup. (No, seriously, I did.) The tape backup unit had about three years worth of dust and it indicated it would take about 2.5 hours so I wandered off to the mall for two hours. When I returned, I was greeted with this message, "Tape full, insert new tape."

I took a look and decided it had backed up the important stuff, so I aborted the backup. I pulled the hard drive out just to get its specs; it also had about three years worth of dust. I couldn't read how big the hard was so I decided to turn on the PC and check that way. As soon as I flipped on the power, smoke started pouring out of the hard drive.

I immediately turned off the computer and prayed the smoke was just from the dust, but when I tried to reboot the computer it told me there was no hard drive. Thankfully I'd started this on a Friday night so the next morning I was able to run out and buy a new hard drive. I went to install DOS but I had 5¼" disks and the computer only had a 3½" drive. Thankfully I was able to pull a 5¼" drive from another machine and got it sorted. By now it was late Sunday, I still needed to restore the backup and it had to be ready for Monday morning.

When you use a program to backup data, you typically need that same program to restore the data. Of course, when I changed the hard disk, I lost the backup software, as well. Miraculously, after ransacking the boss' office, I found the original disks in the back of an unlocked drawer. I installed it, started the restoration process, went and got dinner, then came back for a victory lap only to find two directories were completely empty. After a panicked phone call, Dawn said she wasn't sure what those folders were for, or even what might have been in them, so I quietly decided to ignore it and see if her boss noticed. (She didn't.) 

After spending an entire three-day weekend on it, I submitted a bill for the new hard drive and...five hours of labor.

Tile Update

After the earthquake destroyed my parents house, my mother rented a condominium. One day there was a water leak by the front door and the plumber had to pull up some tiles to access it. The tiled section was tiny - maybe four square feet - and my mother worked for a tile company so she got a quote and the landlord just gave her the cash to take care of it.

Meanwhile, I happened to be at Home Depot one night and saw they were offering a free class in tile laying the next day. It was a one hour lesson and the instructor made it look quite easy, so I convinced my mother to let me do the job.

The following Saturday I drove to her place and the first thing I did was mix up a batch of the cement, as it takes a while before it's ready. Then I started removing the old tiles only to find an ants nest colony under there! I found some ant spray and took care of them, then proceeded to remove the old cement. Nobody told me this would take over two hours! (I also managed to get several large chunks of cement in my eye, which is not a pleasant experience.) 

I then laid out the new tiles but all I had was a manual tile saw so it took forever to cut them properly.  (I butchered about 15 before I finally got the hang of it.) By this time, the cement I'd mixed up five hours ago was almost past its usable life, so I decided to quickly set all the tiles and then move them as needed. That's when I discovered you can't move them after they're in. But it was okay; they actually looked pretty good.

The next day, I came back to do the grouting. Again, it actually looked pretty good...from the ground. Dawn went up the stairs and looked down, then ominously said, "Uh, could you come here for a second?" I replied, "If it's a problem, it's too late to do anything about it." She told me I needed to come up so I did and discovered that what had looked straight and level from eight inches away looked ragged and crooked from ten feet away! 

If I was a good son (or even a good person) I would have ripped everything up and started over, or just let a professional fix it. Instead, I decided that since it was a rental, it didn't really matter. My mother covered it with a throw rug and we never discussed it again.