I love my uncle. He annoys and frustrates me, he has no common sense, he can be blustering, but watching the gears in is his head turn is like watching a fine timepiece...that occasionally throws a spring. I'd say I want to be like him when I grow up, except he hasn't grown up yet.
Of course I've been keeping my uncle apprised of all my antics across the pond, but he's been particularly keen on the whole Jessica situation:
Saturday, June 7:
Is that why I haven't heard from you lately? Jess? Did you take her up on her offer of a free lunch? Did you succumb to the Vegan temptress? Has Lord Gregg finally [edited for decency]. Take a moment and apprise me of your latest fuck-up. Good news is hard to come by these days, sonny.
Sunday, June 8:
Don't fiddle dick around with Jess. Get her in your sights as soon as you can before she runs a check on you and your cover is blown.....assuring that [edit for decency].
Monday, June 9:
I was hesitant to mention this, but hey, in for a pence in for a pound, wot? Women adore gay men. I am not suggesting you tell her you're gay and you don't have to curl your pinkie around the tea cup or swish your hips when you walk. What you do is adopt a hangdog expression and sigh longingly whenever some dude in tight jeans saunters by. Here's the thing, women ALWAYS believe they have the power to change us, boyo. I was the exception to the rule, because they recognized how hopeless a task that would be. No woman can ever accept that any man could reject her, no matter how much he [edited for decency]. By that time, it won't matter how you strive to belie her assumptions, it is far too late and you will have her right where you want her, [edited for decency]. Well, don't go overboard in your gratitude, sonny, it's always possible you might have found your way [edited for decency] without my help, but one never knows, do one?
Tuesday, June 10:
Is it this coming Sunday you'll be making your assault on Jess...or was it Sunday past, in which case its too late to save her. I hope my subtle dating hints were helpful, boyo. Please remember you are an American and conduct yourself accordingly. All American tourists are not the low living scum wads depicted in the Limey media. Not every single one. There's bound to be exceptions.
Sunday, June 15 (before the date):
Do I start preparing for the inevitable arrival of a new niece? One that will be thrilled and honored to make my acquaintance? One that will be relieved to know that meeting you was not a total loss after all? One that will embrace your aunt B. and envy her for her good fortune? Come on, Sonny, I can't stand the waiting. Shout her name to the Gods! OR..........did you just go and fuck up......again? Told her you were recently divorced. Told her you were unemployed and borderline broke. Told her you didn't know where your next tuppence was coming from. Told her you were voting for Bob Barr for president. Told her your uncle Georgie will cry himself to sleep once he hears from you and how you blew the only [edited for decency] that will come your way while you're in London.
Monday, June 16:
Oy. you are going down like the twin towers! Time for you to suck it up and prepare for some serious [edited for decency]. This chick is beginning to take on weight....in a manner of speaking. I may not be able to save you.
Tuesday, June 17:
Sonny, you have GOT to stop leaving your jugular exposed the way you do. Your Email letter revealed the fact that you ignored my advice and spilled your guts like a terrorist being water boarded. Told her you were divorced, unemployed and broke.....did you also tell her you were [edited for decency] to compensate for these negatives? Luckily she's willing to give you another round. Either she's a sweet and loving, not to mention moronic, person, or didn't believe a word you said and thinks you're an undercover wealthy beach rat on the prowl for a cheap lay by playing on her sympathy. Don't you realize, dummy, that honesty is NEVER the best policy. I'm an honest man and look where it got ME! Wise up and shut up! Your poor aunt B still believes I have a fortune stashed away somewhere. I never said I was ALWAYS an honest man, did I?
Wednesday, June 18:
I just hope you can maintain your mysterious man from La Mancha persona without crashing and falling on your petard. Going back to your July 5th date, you could have scheduled it for July 4th and established your independence from the git go. Show those tea taxing bastids who [edited for decency] now! In summation just let me say that this Romance promises to be 'a bit of a dust up, what'? Just don't Britishize your ass too much too soon. Good luck with the Jess, boyo. She doesn't appear to be the nanny type, so watch it and don't walk around with your thumb in your mouth or you'll end up with it up your ass. Stay off that friggin 'date site' until you've sorted this one out. You may have a winner.
Thursday, June 19:
Oh my. the plot thickens....and I ain't talking about the cemetery plot. LIKE WOW! Wait til she meets your uncle! You may as well quit surfing the date sites now, sonny. I hearby pronounced you hooked, hat, ass, line and sinker.
Keep me informed about your adventures in Camelot.
Saturday, June 21:
Here's how I see your situation, sonny. You are beginning to get a little stressed out. You've got a few things going at the same time. I think you should take a deep breath and recoup before you proceed with this thing with Jessica. You're trying to learn too much too soon and if you don't back off a tad you're gonna crash and burn. There's an aura of hysteria in your Emails. You're trying to promote her interest in you and you're creating an atmosphere of panic (paranoia). STOP ALREADY!
Of course he's right, albeit a day late. I really got my brain tied in knots, culminating at 4am Saturday morning when I sent an email to Jessica suggesting she "run away." Not with me, from me. She wrote back "No," and just like that the brain fever was gone. I guess I just needed some reassurance, as silly as that sounds.
