The future

When I asked for feedback on my personal ad, one of my friends referred me to a guy who writes a blog on dating for men. I checked it out but came away with the impression that he was taking the “job interview” approach to dating -- get as many offers as you can, so you can choose the one that is right for you.

I personally take umbrage at this -- employers are not emotionally invested when they extend an offer -- but he did make some interesting points about what women generally look for, and one of these was security: She wants to know not only where he is, but where he is going. (Apologies if I'm just perpetuating male/female stereotypes.)

So that naturally begs the question, where am I going? For so many years, I was so focused on where I was going that I felt like I missed everything along the way. So when I had the chance to start over, I consciously chose not to worry about the destination, to be more flexible and open, and enjoy the ride. (Of course I still contributed to my retirement account -- I'm not an idiot.)

And now I'm being told that this very approach will sabotage any relationship I might have.

So I pulled out my Magic 8 Ball and tried to divine my future. Now, most people never plan for the future, they just have a general idea of what they want, and then work within their current situation. My problem is, I don't have a 'current situation' to constrain me; every option is on the table: Get married again? Have a child? Get a 'real' job or continue consulting? Start my own business? Retire from IT and do something else? If so, what? When (and where) to retire? What to do when I retire?

The problem is that I'm not really committed to anything, in part because I know it will all change once I'm in a relationship. Sure, I could make something up and then look for someone with similar plans, but I'd much rather find someone I like and then figure it out together.

So it's a catch-22: I need to plan my future to have a relationship, and I need to have a relationship to plan my future.

Where am I going with this? I have no idea. If I had a direction, I wouldn't be dealing with this in the first place.